Two Years and a Loved One

Dear L,

I do not know how to begin with this letter. I do not know if I deserve another chance from you. I know I don't, but please for the last time, if this is it, I want to tell you how grateful I am having you in my life.

Two years ago, you came into my life by a surprise. You have the most wonderful eyes I saw with people around. You have the most precious smile I witnessed. Those genuine smiles you gave assured me of your love for me. Two years ago, I have finally met the person who'd give me love I am longing for. Two years ago, I have finally met the person I could open my heart to once more.

During the early times of our togetherness, I shared you things I rarely shared. I opened my private door to someone I knew I could trust the most. You deserved it. For the past two years, I told you stories from my past that hurt me a lot. I told you how writing broke my heart to million pieces. You read my blog, even the unpublished ones. You told me I should write again. You told me how my blog touched your heart, and how it will to others as well. I replied, "maybe soon. When the wound finally get healed, when all my tears are dried up, maybe I will be able to write again." You encouraged me everyday to write. You didn't get tired of reminding me how beautiful my blogs are; how emotional those were. For the past two years, you never get tired of me. I promised you I will write again; I will go back to writing. I failed.

You knew my vices. I promised you I would get rid of them. You made me promise not to get drunk again. I promised you that instead of spending my money in alcohol, I'd rather save them for future. Something I haven't kept for a long time. I succumbed in my vices. I put them under your very eyes. However, you caught me cheating. You have your ways. You get mad at me, which I deserve. I failed to keep my promises, again.

I also shared how I love to have a dog of my own. A pet I could say mine. You promised me you would give me one when your dog give birth. August of this year, your dog gave birth. You made your promise come true. You gave me a wonderful pup. You provided me a treasure I wanted for a long time. You made me promise to keep him safe and take care of him. I promised you I won't let any bad thing to happen to him. Early this month, he caught a disease. I tried my best to save him. I failed. Our dog, our child, died because of my irresponsibility. You never got a chance to see him grow personally. I failed you once again.

All you did was to love me. All you did was to give me chances to be better. However, I always took you for granted. I know you having a good heart, but I never realized it has its own limitation. You always asked me why. You always asked me what the things you should do that you haven't done yet. You always told me you would do anything just to keep me from failing again and again. I never asked you the same thing. I am the one who falls short of you expectations. I am the one who always breaks your heart. I am the one who never keeps his promises, and breaks them instead. You always cry because of me. You are always broken because of me. Those eyes I have seen the first time I saw you are not as sparkling as they were. Those smiles you throw to anyone hide a deepest sadness you experienced because of me. I admit I wronged you in many ways. I admit I have done something unforgivable. 

The moment I saw our baby's last breathe is the moment I know I lost it all. I lost the dog I promised I would take care of. I failed to keep the last promise I gave you. I lost everything the moment we lost Magnus. During his last moments, I told him I cannot let him go. I cannot let him go. I cannot see him depart. I have never cried for someone that much. I am weeping because I didn't only lost Magnus, but I know I have lost someone who loved me more than anyone else. I miss him very much. I regret the times I should have spent with him. 

It took me two years to realized how fortunate I am having you in my life. It took me two years to realized some good things may never last, and while they are here, I have to enjoy the moment. It took me two years to understand how painful it is to hurt someone I always tell I love the most. It took me two years to realize how actions speak louder than voices.

I know I am way too late to realize these things. I know Magnus will never forgive me for all the things I did. I know you will never forgive me for all the things I did. I cannot even forgive myself for what have happened. I lost someone I love, and I am now at risk of losing you too. 

Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize my faults have prices. Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize I didn't let you feel my love. It took me two years and a loved one to realize all I did to you was hurt you.

I do not deserve your love, even your forgiveness. I did not deserve any good thing you have brought to my life. Magnus had left us. Magnus had already left me. I cannot let you go too. You brought happiness in my life no one has done. You brought sunshine to my world submerged in flood of tears of loneliness. You brought back the sun to my dim world. However, I have taken you for granted, unknowingly you might get tired of understanding me. I haven't appreciated your efforts, your love. I haven't been true to you, to my self.

I cannot let go of the only person who loves me more than anyone else. I know it is selfishness to ask you to stay. I know it is profligate to ask another chance from you. However, if it is way too much, I will accept it wholeheartedly. I deserve nothing of your love, I didn't also deserve another chance from you.

If I have met your limitation, even if it hurts too much, I will let you go. You deserve someone better, someone who knows how to keep his promises. You deserve someone else. I deserve no one.

Thank you for two years of togetherness. Thank you for a loved one we have lost because of me. Thank you for making me feel loved, and making me feel important. Thank you for your love. If it is the end, you are free to go. If there's nothing I can do to make you stay, you are free to go. You can leave me and think of yourself this time. I know it is painful, but I deserve this. I have to pay the price of not being true to my promises. I have to pay the price of all my faults. I love you and I will always do.

Loving you,

J