Caught in the Middle

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away." Ecclesiastes 3:1,6 (NIV)

People who are surrounding me always tend to ask me, "bakit hindi ka pa lumipat sa Public [School] e licensed [teacher] ka na pala? Mas mataas ang sweldo dun, madami pang benefits." As a response, I just always nod at them and utter, "darating din tayo diyan. Naghihintay lang po ako ng tamang timing."

I am currently teaching in a private college. People think that I earn much since I was considered a professor already. The fact is, I am not. I only receive a basic salary, which is thousands lesser than I could get if I teach in a public school, with a higher tax to get paid monthly. I always tell my colleague that I want to live a life in accordance to my calling—to what He wants me to do, to my purpose, my destiny. Honestly speaking, I found my purpose in my current job. I believe I am living the way I am supposed to be living. However, things are changing. I have to consider a lot more things now than before.

Since 2014 started, I ask myself whether to stay or to go. If I choose to stay, I could spend more time learning and re-learning the things I have to understand, however compensated little. If I choose to go, a lot more opportunities could knock on my door: some would give me higher compensation. I was caught in the middle, and I definitely hate it. Before, when I am about to make a big decision, I tend to say "let destiny drives me to where I suppose to go." It is not applicable today, though. I have to make a decision on my own, with His guidance of course! It is, I think, one of the breakthroughs I have long been waiting for [to happen].

I always explain that if it is the salary that pushes me to quit my current job and look for a new one, I'd rather quit teaching FOR GOOD. I'd rather look for a job which will give me the same amount as how much I would earn when I teach in a public school. Being a teacher and being a genuine one means working selflessly and giving everything that can be given (or even more) without receiving much [in terms of salary]. It is a profession that demands passion over compensation. Anyone who wants to teach needs to be passion-driven rather than compensation-driven. A teacher is someone who works for more than the hours he stays in school. For most of the time, even at home he works. That is a life of a teacher!

For a newly graduated job-seeker, the main reason in searching for a job is to gain experience. For an experienced worker just like me, it is different, way deeper than gaining experience. As for me, it is more of searching to where I can render my service rather than having served; it more of fulfilling my destiny and responding to my calling, though not compensated much, rather than fulfilling my earthly desires and earn much. 

Definitely, I will be moving out of my recent job in due time. As per the moment, I have four reasons to quit. However, I found these reasons not enough to push through my plan, though. I still have to accumulate much courage and diligence in order not to regret whatever decision I have to make. I still have six months to think. 

2013: Year of Explorations

  Few hours ago, we literally waved our goodbyes to 2013 and embraced 2014 with joyful hearts. Today, everything will be refreshed—hoping for a good start. Almost everyone is doing such a wonderful review for all the things happened last year. As for me, and for what I have been doing for the past three year now, I am looking back to what happened in my 2013 journey—both good and bad, beneficial or not.

The year 2013 is a year of unexpected achievements, explorations, and discoveries to me. I have achieved things that are not literally included in my 2013 goals. I have explored many things in life that I could possibly consider as good tries. I have discovered some treasures that are considerably priceless. Let me enumerate some of them.

November of 2012, in CCSI, I was assigned to handle the Speech Laboratory classes for the six grade levels. Although it was not really related with my area of specification, the school administrators trusted me with my amateur skill in this course. We agreed to begin the class early the next year. The Speech Lab classes I facilitated were filled with laughter and fun. I enjoyed the experience of being an English teacher, and I think it is when the journey of me majoring in English has started.

It was in January 2013 when I was asked to edit the Graduation script of CCSI. At first, I don’t want to accept this task for several reasons, but since they trusted me a lot, I did. I challenged myself to have the Graduation script written in an untypical manner, quite innovative from the previous scripts they have had. I passed the first draft; they said it’s good and different. I wasn’t satisfied, so I edited the drafts and had I think three more drafts before the final draft was written, proofread, and passed. They were amazed by how the script was written. In effect, they asked me to become the Program Director as well. I never had a chance to direct a big event such as school graduation. I am doing this directing stuff while working as a part-time school administrator (checking students’ profiles, updating their folios, etc.). I was also assigned to layout the student handbook of CCSI. That happened in February to March 2013. My first quarter was filled with unexpected jobs and unexpected experiences.

Unfortunately, I’ve got my first conflict with a colleague during the graduation rehearsal. We had had a misunderstanding during the last day of rehearsal.  I told the teachers that they could change some minor parts in the script, which she didn’t get well (I think). Out of frustration to perfect the event flow and out of tiredness, I yelled at her saying she should not do what she had done. It was a wrong move, yet I only stood in my position as the Program Director. I actually planned not to attend the ceremony, yet the sense of obligation pushed me to do so. We achieved our ultimate goal to make almost everyone in the room cry. The ceremony was filled with intense emotion that was tattooed in everyone’s heart. It was unforgettable.

I resigned from my position as a Math teacher after the graduation not because of the conflict but because I thought I have done my job well and I need to move from Elementary level to a higher level of education, Secondary perhaps. I was officially unemployed for the entire summer, not to mention my summer job in Math Works Tutorial Center which is also one-of-a-kind experience. I worked in MW for two months, I think. That was during the Advance Lectures in Math and for the UPCAT Review we are organizing during summer. I have the chance to contribute in the handbook we used in the Review.

I took the LET last March 2013. Unfortunately, I was hooked up with lots of things to do so I had no time to review. Luckily I passed and I’ve got a high grade. The result was released May 2013. When I had a chance to drop by the PRC, that was sometime in May, I went there. Some strange voice told me not to push through, but I was stubborn. I went there though it is nearly evening. What happened was some big guy followed me through, grabbed me and robbed all my valuables—phone and around P3, 000 cash. I was hopeless. I was helpless. I learned my lesson to always listen to the small voice. Another mishap happened last August 2013, when a group of unidentified people robbed us inside our house. My new phone and new tablet, together with my cash and important ID’s were taken. Luckily, no one in the member of the family was hurt.

When June came, I am still unemployed. I passed my resume to almost every school of my dream. In fact, I was accepted in one school when I applied the month before I resigned. I only pulled my application back for several personal reasons. So I was then praying while waiting. Some phoned me and interviewed me, then either I fell short of the qualifications or I turned the offer down. One day, that was sometime in May 2013, an International School called me and scheduled me for an interview and demo teaching. I agreed. I was known as a Street Smart person, but when I was on my trip to the said school, I got lost. Funny it was, then, and heartbreaking was the fact that I wasn’t able to attend to my schedule and lost another opportunity to work in an International School. I was also become broke, then. On the other hand, my sister sent me an SMS saying STI is scheduling me for an interview and demo teaching. It was June 4, 2013, if I am not mistaken. I expressed my intension to apply right after I arrived home, and waited for the confirmation. I was schedule for an interview the next day and had my demo teaching the day after next. I was hired and was asked to report on June 7. That was the start of my STI journey.

The first semester was okay. I was adjusting from teaching small cute kids to big stubborn childish college students.(kidding on the stubborn part). I get to know some professors: some became my friends, some became my tropa. It was nice to be teaching in collegiate level especially when you are mistakenly identified as one of the students. I enjoyed my first semester. I gained a lot of experience, shared some to my students. These people who happened to become under my supervision become my friends. Well, I consider them friends because this is how I teach. The start of the second semester was quite difficult. I was assigned to teach six Math subjects, which is not advisable. However, I chose to enjoy the months of November and December 2013 just to lighten up the load.

The college week is done during December. It is when the students get the chance to explore things they didn’t try in a formal class. Last year’s college week was different as per the colleagues who are teaching in STI for more than a year. A Faculty Cook-off challenge was organized and I became one of the representatives of our department. We won the third spot. The college week also happened to have a Fashion night. I was invited to become one of the Male Professor models. I accepted the invitation. That was when I became a ramp model for the first time. I didn’t get the title as the Best Mode yet the experience added some spice in my ever adventurous life.

The week after which was the only week when I get to realize what I have and what I have had—the ministry I used to be involved in, the work God wants me to do, the love of my life who happens to be the star which lead me to the manger, the manger and who was in there, the lessons in every up and every down of my life, everything. I had once told 2012 was the year of wandering for me, and now I am telling 2013 is the year of exploration. I explored all throughout the year: gained new experiences, acquired unexpected achievements, unlocked new discoveries, and found the path back to my first love. I believe everything that had happened in the last year has a part in finding who I really am.

Although I wasn’t able to be on top, just like when I am in my younger years; although I wasn’t able to find the people who took away my valuables; although I fell in love and lost in the battle of keeping that love for a longer time; although I stumbled several times along the way; although I have so much pain and hurtful feelings within me; although I lost some of my friends, I know I am stronger now and I know I am mature enough to face the challenges again. It may be hard to begin, but I will start this year with faith in the Almighty One.

I am excited to what awaits me in the journey I am going through this 2014. I will just let Him show me the way and let His hand guide me as I take it.

Me as a Counselor

It has been a routine that every time I enter my Grade 5 room, they always tell something happened wrong. One time, I saw a kid crying because he is bullied. Another, they asked they haven't had their recess yet. What an experience is it, right. However, despite of all the commotions happened before our Math time, there is this boy who always ask for my hand and "bless" me. He is always greeting me with a smile. Because of his instigation, almost all of his classmates do the same.

Unfortunately, yesterday everything seemed to be uneasy. The boy who is asking and greeting me with a smile greeted me with his teeth gnashing in anger and his fist closed as if he was going to hit somebody's face. I asked what happened. Of course, angles of stories arisen as everyone told his insight of what REALLY happened. I, being a teacher, don't want to start with our lesson with unsettled issues. So, instead of reviewing them for their upcoming exam, I used my time to hear and know what really happened. So, I asked them one by one of their side of the story. I weaved their insights and formulated the whole story. (Of course, I won't disclose what really happened.) I was astonished to what I heard. So, in my position, I asked those who are involved to stay inside their room so I may talk to them privately and rebuke them. I was not satisfied with what I did, so I asked those who started the commotion to have a talk with me, individually. 

The first one, I asked why he mentioned that thing. He said, he just want to add something to burst the issue being built up. I rebuke him and asked him to stop researching about that thing. He promised me he'll do.

The second one was different and a bit intense. I heard a lot about his misconduct. He was always the mastermind of teasing and noise inside their room. When I asked where he got the idea he has raised up, he said on their vicinity. I continuously asked him some questions until I got the very root of the problem--FAMILY.

He shared his problems with his family. All I thought was he gets all the attention of his family since he is the youngest. And that is why he wants to get all the attention in school.  It is a very different story. His father beats him whenever he gets low grades; his mother shouts at him and mocks him for not being an achiever as his other siblings; his ate always pressures him to be perfect; he feels unloved and unnoticed. While he is telling me his story, he is weeping. 

At the back of my mind, I said, "Oh no, what have I done?" But then, I realized it is supposed to happen that way for me to know the reason behind his misbehavior. I finally understand him. It is only when we listen, we understand things clearly. I tell him that if he doesn't feel his parents love him, I love him as my child (though I haven't had one yet). I also assure him that whenever he feels sad and he wants someone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen to his every story. 

The people who supposed to be his refuge and resting arms become now the thorns that hurt his young heart very severely. It saddens me ultimately. But then again, I have nothing to do but to help him out of the sea of pressure he is in, by believing in his potential and guiding him to be the best child he could be.

Reality Checked

My official first week as Elementary just ended last Thursday. And to think it was fun, indeed it IS fun! The chance to touch these kids lives is one of a kind. The opportunity to be their math teacher and help them love the subject is challenging, yet satisfying on my part.

I remember when I was in college, a colleague asked me to shift from B SEd (Secondary Education) to B EEd (Elementary Education) so I would have more chance of molding young minds to love the subject hated by most--Math. I refused not because I don't want the challenge and the chance. I declined for I want to continue what I started with.

So, then, I thought I would not be teaching in Elementary. During summer of this year, I started sending application letters and resumes to my prospect school. My prayer is this: to let God lead me to the school where He wants me to teach at least for a year and to a community where I would learn more about life. Of the six schools I applied in, three responded and accepted me (including the school I am working at). I declined the first two schools for low compensation and lost inner peace. The third one is different. I have been called by the Principal and asked if I could apply for a teaching position. I said yes. Then, I processed my application and accepted just last Tuesday. I was requested to start teaching the next day. So I did.

The first steps are always the hardest. Then, the next ones are getting easier. The key is adaptation. I have never been good enough for this kind of game. I hardly adapt in my environment. But, this time is unusual. The warm welcome of the faculty and staffs, and the hungry minds of the kids to learn more about Math make me realize that indeed I am in a right place.

My first day is quite typical. I came in late for my first class, and unprepared for the second one. This always happens. Because of excitement? Not really. I came in late because of the epic traffic, and unprepared for the second class because I didn't have the materials yet.

Anyway, the first class is in Grade 3. (Wheew!) It is not easy to handle such class as this. There are kids standing and walking to and fro, talking to their seatmates as if there were no teacher; doing stuffs not related to Math, etc. The typical scenario happens in a room full of kids. I felt depressed after the class. I came to the point of questioning whether or not I really can handle elementary classes. I think of whether or not accept the challenge of teaching in Grade 3 or not. But, it is not easy to drop one class down. The students started to know about me, and that is just our first meeting. I decided to accept. I just need some adjustments with my teaching style and my approach.

After which, I met the Grade 5 students. The principal told me that class speaks English fluently so I have to prepare with how I talk to them. OK, I said. It is easy since I have been talking to a student in straight English. Well, I did a good job, the principal commended. But, I still have to adjust since I seemed like teaching big kids. Then, I met the Grade 6 again. They showed interest to the subject and to me as well. And that ended my first official day.

Several days have passed, I started asking and knowing my students in a more personal manner. I asked about their background privately. Some openly tell me their story, some hold back a little. After knowing some of the backgrounds, I re-checked it with their advisers and ask more about them. They said what I observed and what I knew about these kids.

Some of the kids are products of broken families. Yes, it is sad! It affects their performances and their lives. It saddens me. Why are there people who are irresponsible to leave their kids? These kids, though rich in material things, lack in a more important and more significant thing in life--love. And it feels like I have something more to do than mere teaching. It feels like aside from helping this kids love Math, I need to make them feel loved. And I know it is just started to happen not because of what I did but because of what God did through me. Say one of my colleagues, there are more to come and more to experience. I am way excited to teach these kids and make them love Math and realize Math is indeed fun!