What Good Would I Be?

Rejection.

noun.
the act of refusing to accept, use, or believe someone or something.
(https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/rejection)

It was a night of July, when I was 13 or 14, my mother told me a secret in a very untimely manner: I was a product of an unplanned pregnancy. By the time my Kuya reached 2 years old, she planned to return to work. However, even before my Kuya reached 2, I was conceived. She even had plans to abort the child (too bad she didn't). My Lola Maria, dad's mom, intervened. She said that though the baby was not planned, it was still a blessing. To cut the story short, that baby was me. To add some more disappointment, my parents planned to have two kids only, a boy and a girl. When I was born, they have two children, yes, but not as how they planned. 
That night, our church Pastor was invited to talk to me and explain that I was loved, I was accepted, I was good. However, I overheard him saying that rejection was my twin. He told my parents to always make me feel accepted, to make me feel loved, to always make me feel that I was not rejected. They did and they are doing it. I feel secure of their love, of their affection, of their acceptance. However, destiny has its way to revert me to feeling I was, indeed, rejected. 

Just two months ago, my Lola Maria died. I was devastated to say the least. She was my protector. Now that she's gone, who would protect me? Who would wipe my tears away? No one. Several years before, my Lola Josefina passed. I was named after them: Jose from Josefina, and Mari from Maria. Now that both of them are gone, how can I relive the legacy they passed on me? I don't know.

Weeks after my Lola's demise, I lost two close friends. No, they didn't die, they just left me. I only have few close friends, two of them included. I think I was not really worth keeping. I don't know.

Last month, my partner and I chose to be relinquished from our duty in our school. Though we were enjoying the workload, we decided to step down for our own sake. This decision eased our mind from being too stressed and from being too anxious.
To ease my mind from thinking too much, I looked for projects I could do, all while preparing for the upcoming school year. My friend recommended me to write modules for Elementary students. However, I fell short of the standards, leading to my contract termination. It hurt me more than I could ever imagine. Although it is freeing to say the least because while I doing the project, I felt more stressed, I already am questioning my capacity to doing tasks such as this. Am I not really good enough? 

Maybe I should blame my "twin" for all the mishaps in my life. Maybe, I should accept the fact that ever since the beginning of my life, I was but a failure, and all I am to be will be a failure. I just am tired of living this way. I don''t know where I am good at. I don't know what good would I be. I just lost my sense of existence and my sense of purpose. 

I am afraid to try new things because I am too afraid of rejection and failure. I am not courageous because I do not know how to redeem myself from anxiety and pity and misery.