The Year of Brokenness

The year 2019 has brought a lot of learning in my life. I haven't got a chance to document all, but these newly acquired lessons I had were recorded in my mind and in my heart. If I had to summarize what my 2019 was, I would say it is the year when I wandered a lot; when I've got lost and been exhausted with things I should have not done. Indeed, 2019 was the year of brokenness.

In the beginning of the previous year, I have led our department to celebrate Mathematics Month. However, not everything has fallen into its rightful places. Not all of what we have planned had been executed. There are more revisions than executions. The feeling of being a failure overwhelmed me. I was a man of planning and organizing, and also a man of impulsiveness. Having given an assignment that is big enough to let my obsessive-compulsiveness overpower my impulsiveness, I planned ahead of time. I  planned even months before the celebration. However, I failed to have the plans being approved. I have no idea what I did wrong, or what I did lack. I haven't got the full support of my colleagues, as well. I admit I am an ambivert, My introvert self takes charge when talking to a crowd and asking for their littlest support. I was thinking I would steal their precious time to do what I was asking, even if it would affect their performance as well. It is frustrating to find myself being a failure. I promised myself not to take anymore responsibilities that would lead me to stress, soon depression. 

Came the following months, the feeling of being failure didn't subside right away. My heart was still broken, my mind was filled with frustrations. I promised not to ever try doing the same, if I were given a chance. I promised to spend more time for myself than to always make myself available and free for others. It defied who I was and who I am. Someone told me that your true self will always prevail. It came to pass. I was a giver, they say, so I became. I gave my time to those who need it; I gave my self to those who asked for it, even if it meant having less to none for me. I remembered giving support to those who are dear to me most, though they haven't reciprocated it. You might call me insane, but that is who I am--I give whatever I can provide, and even more. However, as the days passed, I realized it is exhausting to always give and never receive. Life is not a one-way road, but rather a two-way path. You give, you must also receive something in return. I have the former, never the latter.

Summer happened, nothing in my plans came to pass. I've got sickness that prevented me from doing and executing what I have planned. I missed two weddings (one of my cousin, the other of my college friend). I missed out-of-town trips. My body paid for all the exhaustion I had in the previous months.

New school year happened so fast. I promised myself to pursue taking a Master's degree, no matter what happened. I was assigned to teach Grade 9 Math (again) and had my schedule in the afternoon (12:30 PM to 6:50 PM). I became frustrated once again. The MA classes usually starts at 6:00 PM, which only meant I have to leave the school by 4:00 PM. I asked for some consideration, nothing was given. I accepted the fact that I would no longer be able to take my MA that time. Miracle happened when a colleague needed to give up her position and pass it to someone. Her schedule fitted with my projected timeline. We switched places, hence I was able to apply for Master's degree. I was wishful to be accepted, but not frustrated to really get it. All I was praying was if it is God-willed, it will come to pass. It came to pass. I was accepted. I enrolled and took one class for the meantime since all is new to me.

Priorities change when your focus changes. I was focused on giving myself to others, even if it means exhausting my energy and efforts. That changes when I started taking my Master's. I learned it is not bad, not even a sin nor a crime, to think of yourself first; others secondarily. However, it is not really me. I feel guilt whenever I refuse to help someone. Maybe that is who I was supposed to be. I still do not know.

When my birth month came, I promised myself not to have a grand celebration. I chose to celebrate silently since I never had found a reason to have a grand celebration. I have lost a lot of friends who I thought were real and true. I have never been that broken: I expected a lot, gained less to nothing; I have given almost everything, received nothing. 

Our church conducted a worship night on the exact date of my birth. At first, I was hesitant to attend. However, I was reminded of the chances of having such service on my special day. I attended. I cried a lot because of what I have undergone in the previous months. I wept and had all my frustrations, my brokenness, my hurtful feelings be drowned away with my tears. As the night got deeper, the service came to conclusion. I asked our Senior Pastor to pray for me. His prayers overwhelmed me. The words, I believed, were rooted deeply in my heart that I promised myself to hold onto it for the coming year, 2020. 

The year 2019 ended with me being hopeful of what 2020 would bring about my life. I believe that whatever is broken in my life for the previous year will become whole and new again this year. I am hopeful that this year will bring me more peace, more of time spent for myself, for my own growth. I know it will not be easy but I am determined to have all of what I have lost in 2019 be gained in 2020, and even more (if it'll be permitted). I promised to always go back to what I have prayed almost a decade and a half ago--to bring me where I am destined to be, to have His will happen in my life the way He wants.

I was broken, but not crushed. I believe that with all these brokenness that I have undergone will lead me to the wholeness and betterment in the years to come. I am broken, but I believe that in brokenness there is wholeness. I promise that I will be whole again and I will start fixing myself in the year 2020.