Caught in the Middle

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away." Ecclesiastes 3:1,6 (NIV)

People who are surrounding me always tend to ask me, "bakit hindi ka pa lumipat sa Public [School] e licensed [teacher] ka na pala? Mas mataas ang sweldo dun, madami pang benefits." As a response, I just always nod at them and utter, "darating din tayo diyan. Naghihintay lang po ako ng tamang timing."

I am currently teaching in a private college. People think that I earn much since I was considered a professor already. The fact is, I am not. I only receive a basic salary, which is thousands lesser than I could get if I teach in a public school, with a higher tax to get paid monthly. I always tell my colleague that I want to live a life in accordance to my calling—to what He wants me to do, to my purpose, my destiny. Honestly speaking, I found my purpose in my current job. I believe I am living the way I am supposed to be living. However, things are changing. I have to consider a lot more things now than before.

Since 2014 started, I ask myself whether to stay or to go. If I choose to stay, I could spend more time learning and re-learning the things I have to understand, however compensated little. If I choose to go, a lot more opportunities could knock on my door: some would give me higher compensation. I was caught in the middle, and I definitely hate it. Before, when I am about to make a big decision, I tend to say "let destiny drives me to where I suppose to go." It is not applicable today, though. I have to make a decision on my own, with His guidance of course! It is, I think, one of the breakthroughs I have long been waiting for [to happen].

I always explain that if it is the salary that pushes me to quit my current job and look for a new one, I'd rather quit teaching FOR GOOD. I'd rather look for a job which will give me the same amount as how much I would earn when I teach in a public school. Being a teacher and being a genuine one means working selflessly and giving everything that can be given (or even more) without receiving much [in terms of salary]. It is a profession that demands passion over compensation. Anyone who wants to teach needs to be passion-driven rather than compensation-driven. A teacher is someone who works for more than the hours he stays in school. For most of the time, even at home he works. That is a life of a teacher!

For a newly graduated job-seeker, the main reason in searching for a job is to gain experience. For an experienced worker just like me, it is different, way deeper than gaining experience. As for me, it is more of searching to where I can render my service rather than having served; it more of fulfilling my destiny and responding to my calling, though not compensated much, rather than fulfilling my earthly desires and earn much. 

Definitely, I will be moving out of my recent job in due time. As per the moment, I have four reasons to quit. However, I found these reasons not enough to push through my plan, though. I still have to accumulate much courage and diligence in order not to regret whatever decision I have to make. I still have six months to think. 

The Reason Behind My Strictness

It is my second year of teaching in college. Things have drastically changed since the first time I entered my first room and taught my first class. The roster of the students I am handling is getting longer. The lessons are getting harder. The pressure is getting heavier. However, the strength I have remained constant. The passion I have loses as the days pass by. The fire is dying. I am losing my worth.

I supposed not to feel this way. It was just because I never see an improvement in the system, in my career path, in my worth-seeking journey. It was like I am just going nowhere. I have to check my effectivity.

I was known to be an instructor who never considers his students, students, rather friends. I am an instructor who shares my knowledge to the people who I consider special in my life. I teach Maths, and it is given that Math is difficult. The reason I consider my students friends is because I believe they would learn more and love Math more. I was wrong. They didn't learned enough. They just learned momentarily. After a semester, they forgot what we had talked about. This breaks my heart to million pieces. I thought what I was doing is enough for them to learn. I thought when I became their friend, they would spend more time studying Math. I thought, when I became considerate, they would just love Math and become eager to learn more about it. All I was thinking were wrong. I am but a failure. I have to change my strategy.

I choose to be more strict not because I want but because I am thinking this will push them to study Math even more. (Here I am again with my thoughts.) I choose not to show consideration because I just want my students be more responsible especially when studying Math. If you were to ask me if this decision gives me reason to be happy, I'd say not. This is not what I want, now that I am about to leave. However, I am considering the long time effect of this action. If I'd succeed in this experiment, then I would be more confident to say that my students are excelling in Math and I would be happier knowing that they can solve Math problems even without my guide.

My role as their teacher is to prepare them stand on their own. My role as their instructor is to help them develop the attitudes they need in order to face the real-life problems they are about to face in the near future. However, I could only act on these roles if I could see and if I could assess whether they are truly learning. 

It is difficult for me to become strict because it is not really me. I am compromising myself, and that is hard. It takes enough strength, more than just enough actually, and bravery to go against your own personality. However, if it is for the sake of the people who give me worth, who give me reason to wake up and face the day, I'd rather do it than do nothing.

This is not for my own sake, but for my students' sake. I want them to learn Math and be prepared to take any other Math courses with confidence that they can pass even WITHOUT my guidance.

Purpose Seeker

Two weeks have gone so fast. The semester's rolling, but still I was stuck with the thought of doubting whether I am on the right track.

I have been teaching for three years now (not to mention the years I spent teaching in a Tutorial Center). For the past three years of teaching I found my worth as a teacher, as someone who shares his knowledge to his students. Yes, I was happy then. Yes, I was satisfied. Though the work to be done was not compensated properly, the joy of knowing my students learn and enjoy learning is enough. I was idealistic, they said. 

Things are constantly changing, however. The joy of teaching has been diminishing since the last time I stand in front and talk. I had become a seeker then. I was assessing myself whether I am indeed an effective teacher, a sufficient learning facilitator. I promised myself to kill the idealistic part of me and replace it with realistic one. "I am living in a real world, anyway." I said. I think I overkilled the idealistic me and find myself killing the other part of my dying personality. I was facing the reality that not all inside the room is listening and learning. It breaks my heart.

I am losing my drive to teach. I am losing my motivation to continue this journey of being a teacher. I want some diversity. I want to re-learn whether what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. I want to confirm my purpose in life. Sooner, just maybe, I will be resigning from this job and be looking for myself once again.I know it would be harder this time, but I still hope that I would find who I really am and why I am still living (or existing?).

How Happiness is Computed

Everyday everyone is looking for something that will draw a parabolic curve that opens upward onto his face. Everyday everyone is taking his journey to finding that one special reason to keep living and to keep the happiness real in his life—without faking smiles and telling he’s okay even if he’s not. However, not all achieve their goals—some just lost hope in taking risk, some had failed, some just got tired of continuing the trip.

                Happiness is a thing everyone is looking for. Some find their happiness in their loved ones. Some find it in their recent jobs. Some find it in fulfilling their desires. Some find it elsewhere even within the gloomiest moments of their lives. However, what does real happiness mean? Is there such a formula in finding the genuine happiness in this world full of irony?

                Happiness has no definite definition. Its definition is relative. It differs from one individual to another. The definition depends on how things are seen and considered. In the eyes of a child, happiness is receiving a candy from a friend or from his parents. In the heart of a lover, happiness is spending quality time with his special someone. In the mind of a failure or a frustrated person, happiness is achieving his goal on his own, without depending on somebody. In the heart of a rejected, genuine happiness in found in acceptance. In the eyes of parents, happiness is when they see their children succeed on their chosen career. In the eyes of a son or a daughter, happiness is when his parents become proud of him even in his littlest achievements. In the mind of a problematic, happiness is when answers come along his way. In the heart of the unnoticed, happiness is when suddenly somebody spend time listening to every word he utters. In the heart of an artist, happiness is found when his masterpiece is appreciated. For the less fortunate, happiness is taking at least one meal in a day. For an accused, happiness is when he is found innocent. Happiness is not defined, it is felt. It is felt whenever peace overdoes stress in whatever situation at hand. It is felt whenever positivity overshadows the effects of negativity in one’s life.

                Happiness is not measured quantitatively, but rather qualitatively. It is how things are perceived positively despite of all surrounding negativities. It is how things looked brighter though it seemed to be so dim. Happiness, indeed, is a product of the factors taking into consideration. These factors are the variables—relationships, achievements and failures, goals and dreams, even trials and problems—we consider important in our lives. Ironic it may seem failures and problems add some sense of fulfillment though they diminish some portion of happiness. It is sadness that makes happiness well appreciated and treasured. It is failure that helps us keep going to achieve our ultimate goal—experiencing genuine happiness in our lives. It is problem that opens our mind to realize that solutions are just around the corner.

                One amusing fact in science is when you divide something you are actually multiplying the quantity without compromising the quality. It is well manifested in cell division. To have happiness lasted for a longer time possible, one should share it. Nothing worth trying is worth doing. However, when it comes to spreading happiness everywhere, one should always consider sharing it, without faking it. Fake happiness is not worth it because it is not real, no matter what rationale is given. The authenticity of happiness can be proven by the way people live. It is shown by the way they talk, the way they do things, the way they react and the way they act whenever troubles strike them.

                To spread happiness is not easy. You should have experienced it first and it should be real in your life. You could not share something you really don’t have. You can find real happiness by sharing your life with others. You can find real happiness in helping the needy and in comforting the weary.

Happiness is not a treasure to be found at the “X” mark on the map, rather it is found in the journey to finding that “X” mark. It is not a variable to be solved in the equation of life. It is THE answer we have solved after evaluating the equation with the substituted values in each variable. If happiness is written in a mathematical equation, it is somewhat looked like this:

Happiness is the quotient of the products of positive things and negative things in life. If the product of positive things in life is higher than the product of negative things in life, then happiness is relatively big. Otherwise, it is relatively small. I could not enumerate the positive or the negative things in life because these two classifications are relative. It depends on how a person considers things—either positive or negative. However, no matter how big or how small the happiness solved from the equation, it is still happiness. This would mean, whatever comes to our lives, we always experience happiness even if it is little or almost none.

So before you say you are living a sad life, or a problematic one, think about the things that once made you smile. There is always something to look into. There is always something to look forward to. There is always someone to look up. It may be hard for now, but do not stop. It may be dark and scary, but do not give up.  Keep moving on and keep moving forward. Soon you will experience greater joy when you surpass all the challenges life has for you. Soon you will find the things that will make you happy in a way no one could tell you. Soon you can say you have finally found and experienced genuine happiness like no one else.