It is my second year of teaching in college. Things have drastically changed since the first time I entered my first room and taught my first class. The roster of the students I am handling is getting longer. The lessons are getting harder. The pressure is getting heavier. However, the strength I have remained constant. The passion I have loses as the days pass by. The fire is dying. I am losing my worth.
I supposed not to feel this way. It was just because I never see an improvement in the system, in my career path, in my worth-seeking journey. It was like I am just going nowhere. I have to check my effectivity.
I was known to be an instructor who never considers his students, students, rather friends. I am an instructor who shares my knowledge to the people who I consider special in my life. I teach Maths, and it is given that Math is difficult. The reason I consider my students friends is because I believe they would learn more and love Math more. I was wrong. They didn't learned enough. They just learned momentarily. After a semester, they forgot what we had talked about. This breaks my heart to million pieces. I thought what I was doing is enough for them to learn. I thought when I became their friend, they would spend more time studying Math. I thought, when I became considerate, they would just love Math and become eager to learn more about it. All I was thinking were wrong. I am but a failure. I have to change my strategy.
I choose to be more strict not because I want but because I am thinking this will push them to study Math even more. (Here I am again with my thoughts.) I choose not to show consideration because I just want my students be more responsible especially when studying Math. If you were to ask me if this decision gives me reason to be happy, I'd say not. This is not what I want, now that I am about to leave. However, I am considering the long time effect of this action. If I'd succeed in this experiment, then I would be more confident to say that my students are excelling in Math and I would be happier knowing that they can solve Math problems even without my guide.
My role as their teacher is to prepare them stand on their own. My role as their instructor is to help them develop the attitudes they need in order to face the real-life problems they are about to face in the near future. However, I could only act on these roles if I could see and if I could assess whether they are truly learning.
It is difficult for me to become strict because it is not really me. I am compromising myself, and that is hard. It takes enough strength, more than just enough actually, and bravery to go against your own personality. However, if it is for the sake of the people who give me worth, who give me reason to wake up and face the day, I'd rather do it than do nothing.
This is not for my own sake, but for my students' sake. I want them to learn Math and be prepared to take any other Math courses with confidence that they can pass even WITHOUT my guidance.
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