Page 366 of 366. The last day of the year, on its last hours. They say, it is, well, the loneliest, saddest moments of the year. Ironically, it is also the happiest and the most promising moments when hopes are being renewed, goals and plans are set, and new things are about to come. However, before I totally close this book, let me recall for what happened to me this year.
To start off, let me say this year is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and everything that goes in between. This is not a typical year for me. I have been in a wilderness, not the dark-forest-with-creepy-sound-produced-by-monster-like-animals-unseen wilderness or the plains-with-green-scenery-atop-of-a-peaceful-hill-with-lots-of-wild-flowers-and-sweet-scented-air wilderness. The wilderness I have been through is intangible, unseen yet felt. If I may call it, it is the so-called spiritual wilderness.
Looking at what happened way back 2011, my life isn't well. That year hasn't ended well also. There were things undone and things unsettled. These things needs settlement early this year, supposedly. However, I chose not to think over these things during the first months of 2012. Instead, I chose to set these issues aside, go on with my life without moving on. I lived my life as if I only live to earn money, spend on the things I love, eat and try the bestsellers of famous restaurants, drink and live well as if I am going to die the next day. Sadly, every night I spent sobbing, brokenhearted with uncertain reasons. Until the day I found out what's missing. I forgot God. No, I chose to forget God during these epic moments of my life. Due to the heartbreaking issues and condemnations put about my being during 2011, I learned to focus my attention on the temporary things, rather than on the eternal. I learned to live my life unfavorably for Him.
Despite of my selfish decisions, still His mercy overflew, overflows, and is overflowing. He gave me reasons to celebrate and reasons to give Him the glory and gratefulness. However, I halfheartedly give Him the glory He deserves. I know this is not right and fair, but my heart is still filled with angst. I just ignored, again.
First quarter has come. The much-awaited moment had to happen. I graduated alas! I miss being my family's pride. I became for this moment. Though I was, I didn't feel it much. Yes, I finally graduated from the most prestigious university, but I graduated without any award. That saddens me most. After graduation, I applied for a work, not to a point of frustrating my self to have one. I was accepted in three schools where I passed my resume. Turned down the first two, and accepted the one in which I think I would learn more. (In this time of my life, compensation is not at my top priorities) I believe, God just put me in this place to learn more about teaching kids and loving them despite of their low scores. I am learning. And, I am thankful for this.
Midyear passed. I am still living my life the way I want it. I worked to earn money; I earned money to spend it luxuriously. In the end, my pocket only had coins. Months later, my parents demanded from me to help out paying bills. In this time the fact that I am working not for my own's sake finally sank in. All I was thinking was I work because I need to support my way of living my own--independent, not asking for my parents' support anymore (only in the means of giving me allowance). I repulsed the idea of me paying our electricity bill considering I seemed like a boarder in our house. The resolution was I'd give them at most half of my gross income and let them spend it the way they want. No repulsion nor problem happened during the first months of implementing this resolution. However, I find it very hard to sustain my "other" expenses. I sacrifice my luxury; decided to spend less. It's hard, but I finally find a way to live this way.
During this months also, some relationships I once lost during 2011 have been restored. One is with my best bestfriend. We've been friends since 2007, and it would be hard for me to stay away from him. I thank the Almighty for restoring our friendship. Though not as how we celebrate our friendship together for almost weekly, we spend quality time together in a monthly basis. That is okay, at least we have regular bonding time.
I think it would be enough to have this one relationship being restored. I am wrong. God told me and reminded me of the people who used to hurt me. He's been telling me to at least reach out for them, forgive them genuinely, and hope for the restoration of the relationship we had. Still I ignore the call. Until one time, a close friend reminded me of how good God is in my life, and how much He wants me to live a life that is God-centered--with no unsettled issues whatever. I was convicted. So, inasmuch as I can, I started reaching for people who hurt me, of course, with His guidance and wisdom.
I experienced a lot of new things during this year. I was invited to judge a singing contest though I wasn't a professional one. I became an MTAP instructor, one of the things I wished I could do since elementary. I taught in Quezon City Science High School for MTAP--another dream come true. I achieved a lot during this year. More than anything else, I am getting into the right track again. It's hard, though, but I finally see the light. I am always thankful to the people who never rested from reminding me how beautiful life is and how awesome His love is.
I started 2012 unwell, but as days went by things are getting good, sooner becoming better. There are a lot more things to thank about in the year that is about to end. When one door closes, another opens. When one year ends, another one starts. I promise I will start my 2013 well.
Happy new year every one!
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