Broken Cup Of Tea

How lovely it may sound to have someone telling you you are his cup of tea. How lovely it may feel that there is someone who considers you special. How lovely it may see that you are loved. How sweet it is to know that you are a reason someone is smiling today. 

However, not everyone is experiencing to be someone's cup of tea. Not everyone is fortunate to be one. If you were someone's cup of tea, be grateful of that person because you mean a lot.

I was everyone's cup of tea, or so I thought I was. It is not because I showed them some things I am capable of, but maybe because they found in me a rare jewel. I only did what I had to do. I followed what are ought to be followed. I was an epitome of a good follower, then. However, things suddenly fell apart. Everything has changed in a snap of a time. I was unaware of what was happening. Everything's seemed perfect and in order. All I was thinking was things would stay the way they were for a longer time. I was wrong. I was looking for reasons why it happened. It turned out it was me who turned everything upside down. It was me who, instead of making things better, made them worse. Maybe, I was the one who was called to be blamed for what had happened. I don't know.

I am not everyone's cup of tea, since then. That's the truth! I was a jewel on a crown, now a jewel in a drawer. I did my best to win back their hearts, I failed again and again. I do not know now what else I could do to feel loved and feel important. 

I am not someone else's cup of tea. Nobody care to let me know I am theirs. That makes things even worse--I. Am. Not. Someone's. Cup. Of. Tea.

My heart is broken, as it has always been. My spirit's dying as it has always been. I am dead tired. I am tired of trying to win back what had lost. I am tired of trying to move mountains on my own. I am tired of trying to work out what's at hand. Everything's falling apart, and it never has ended. I am losing the grip of all the promises uttered on my ears. I am losing the faith that everything would become better in just a matter of time. Maybe it is time to stop believing that there would be someone who will fight for me, and start living as a loser and accept the fact that I am not qualified to be somebody's cup of tea, even before the beginning of time. Maybe it is time to stop believing I am a precious gem, and start accepting I was just a piece of cheap glass pretending to be a diamond. Maybe it is time to stop everything once and for all. No one even cares to pick up a broken cup of tea, literally. What's more to a person with a broken heart and a dying spirit? Maybe, this is the cue to just let the dirt bury me underneath. Well, anyway, I am of no use to anyone anymore because I am just another broken cup of tea. 

Photo Taken from https://d2v9y0dukr6mq2.cloudfront.net/video/thumbnail/Vv8JUGarg/white-mug-breaks-and-splinter-falls-beside-her_vhgemuqmil__F0004.png

ICU

It is not everyday that a door of opportunity opens. It is not everyday that a path to your dream becomes clearer and easier to take. These moments will lead you to choosing between taking or staying. It may put you in another crossroads of your life: to whether choose the path to your dream or to stay where you are. You have to choose only one path.

It happened to me just recently. I found an advertisement that my dream school has some vacancies. I, by the way, am teaching in a public school. People always utter that being one is beneficial. They missed some points. Anyway, I downloaded the ad, studied it, asked my parents whether they would allow me to give it a try or not, and seek some advice from my trusted colleagues about it. Most of them supported me and pushed me to try. Well, anyway, nothing is lost in trying. I did. I mailed my requirements to the campus that has vacancies. It gave me relief. I silently waited for the notification about the next steps, and perhaps push through it, and see to where it may lead me. Several days had passed, I received no notification. I thought, maybe, my requirements didn't arrive on time. I lost some of my hopes, and somehow prepared that maybe it is not for me, until last Monday. While having my breakfast, I received a text message saying my application was considered. I was invited for the next steps of the application. I was notified that a demo, an examination, and an interview were scheduled in three days time. My heart pumped more blood than normal. The butterflies once again flew in my stomach. I asked for signs to whether I would push through or not. 

Waiting time, since I mailed my requirements, gave me restless spirit and dying happiness. I don't know. All I want was to find peace in whatever I may be doing. All I want was to find happiness in whatever things I may be handling. The moment I read the text message, I doubtfully composed my response to whether I will push through or not. I replied I would go, and asked some information.

For two days, I tried to find peace and happiness. For two days, I prepared for the assigned topic, and sought ways to going there. I was halfheartedly ready as I always am whenever I faced such challenge. For two days, I camped in the crossroads, contemplating whether I would really go or not.

"Choose your battles wisely," as the saying goes. "Everything is worth the risk," as how my friend advised me. I was torn in between. I wanted to push through so I may tell myself I am ready for a bigger task. I wanted to retreat because I am happy where I am at the moment. I weighed the possibilities, something I seldom did. If only these risks come at a low cost, I will always grab every single one. But, no, some come at a high cost, some required even your own happiness.

"You will never know the price to pay, if you will not at least try." That's true. "You may only find answers to your 'what ifs' in trying." That is also true. However, I believe it is still okay to have some mystery remained unsolved. That is what makes life exciting, isn't it? 

The day before the schedule, my heart's been heavy and my mind clouded. I needed to weigh the possibilities. What if I get hired, should I be ready to live alone, a hundred kilometers away from home? What if get the position, would I become happy; would I find happiness in a strange land? What if I was chosen, which would I choose, this dream I once buried long ago or the dream I am living now? Everything's uncertain. Everything's stressing me out. Everything's wiping the peace out.

"Winners never quit, and quitters never win" but only the wise know when to keep fighting and when to step back and retreat, and think of another strategy to win. 

I was always reminded of my long time goals. I always bear in mind that once I get a stable job (which happens to be teaching in a public school), I will apply for a postgraduate course. After gaining my master's degree, I will consider upgrading myself to a more challenging job.

I projected myself living away from home in one year? In two years? In three years? Maybe I can do it, yes, but how will I take my master's degree? Although, there are open universities that offer courses, however should I settle with the program available in OU? I am doubtful.

Could I live far away from the people I love, especially to the one who opens my mind to these possibilities and probabilities? Perhaps, not. No. It is a definite no. 

The night before the schedule, I told my parents of my decision. Maybe this opportunity comes only once in a while, but my readiness of the possibilities doesn't come over the night. It'll take time. I'll take time to adjust, if I have got the job. Anyway, I have a stable job and I am still satisfied with it. If teaching in my dream school was written in my stars, sooner or later I will find myself in a similar crossroads I was in. If not, then I know there is a better plan that is waiting at the end of this road I am taking.

The moment, I finally decided not to push through, peace awakened, happiness found its way back to my being. You may call me quitter, if you want, but this is what I learned in this journey I had in the past few days: ALWAYS CHOOSE THE THINGS THAT BRING HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE. I may earn a higher compensation, yet my heart would always yearn for something any amount wouldn't compensate. I may have one of my dreams finally came true, yet my goal would be at stake. I may become someone however my happiness is compromised. 

To those who expected me to have the bacon brought home, please accept my apologies. Bacon, at this moment, came at a higher cost than expected. I'll bring the whole pig, and let you strip some bacon. Kidding.

Two Years and a Loved One

Dear L,

I do not know how to begin with this letter. I do not know if I deserve another chance from you. I know I don't, but please for the last time, if this is it, I want to tell you how grateful I am having you in my life.

Two years ago, you came into my life by a surprise. You have the most wonderful eyes I saw with people around. You have the most precious smile I witnessed. Those genuine smiles you gave assured me of your love for me. Two years ago, I have finally met the person who'd give me love I am longing for. Two years ago, I have finally met the person I could open my heart to once more.

During the early times of our togetherness, I shared you things I rarely shared. I opened my private door to someone I knew I could trust the most. You deserved it. For the past two years, I told you stories from my past that hurt me a lot. I told you how writing broke my heart to million pieces. You read my blog, even the unpublished ones. You told me I should write again. You told me how my blog touched your heart, and how it will to others as well. I replied, "maybe soon. When the wound finally get healed, when all my tears are dried up, maybe I will be able to write again." You encouraged me everyday to write. You didn't get tired of reminding me how beautiful my blogs are; how emotional those were. For the past two years, you never get tired of me. I promised you I will write again; I will go back to writing. I failed.

You knew my vices. I promised you I would get rid of them. You made me promise not to get drunk again. I promised you that instead of spending my money in alcohol, I'd rather save them for future. Something I haven't kept for a long time. I succumbed in my vices. I put them under your very eyes. However, you caught me cheating. You have your ways. You get mad at me, which I deserve. I failed to keep my promises, again.

I also shared how I love to have a dog of my own. A pet I could say mine. You promised me you would give me one when your dog give birth. August of this year, your dog gave birth. You made your promise come true. You gave me a wonderful pup. You provided me a treasure I wanted for a long time. You made me promise to keep him safe and take care of him. I promised you I won't let any bad thing to happen to him. Early this month, he caught a disease. I tried my best to save him. I failed. Our dog, our child, died because of my irresponsibility. You never got a chance to see him grow personally. I failed you once again.

All you did was to love me. All you did was to give me chances to be better. However, I always took you for granted. I know you having a good heart, but I never realized it has its own limitation. You always asked me why. You always asked me what the things you should do that you haven't done yet. You always told me you would do anything just to keep me from failing again and again. I never asked you the same thing. I am the one who falls short of you expectations. I am the one who always breaks your heart. I am the one who never keeps his promises, and breaks them instead. You always cry because of me. You are always broken because of me. Those eyes I have seen the first time I saw you are not as sparkling as they were. Those smiles you throw to anyone hide a deepest sadness you experienced because of me. I admit I wronged you in many ways. I admit I have done something unforgivable. 

The moment I saw our baby's last breathe is the moment I know I lost it all. I lost the dog I promised I would take care of. I failed to keep the last promise I gave you. I lost everything the moment we lost Magnus. During his last moments, I told him I cannot let him go. I cannot let him go. I cannot see him depart. I have never cried for someone that much. I am weeping because I didn't only lost Magnus, but I know I have lost someone who loved me more than anyone else. I miss him very much. I regret the times I should have spent with him. 

It took me two years to realized how fortunate I am having you in my life. It took me two years to realized some good things may never last, and while they are here, I have to enjoy the moment. It took me two years to understand how painful it is to hurt someone I always tell I love the most. It took me two years to realize how actions speak louder than voices.

I know I am way too late to realize these things. I know Magnus will never forgive me for all the things I did. I know you will never forgive me for all the things I did. I cannot even forgive myself for what have happened. I lost someone I love, and I am now at risk of losing you too. 

Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize my faults have prices. Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize I didn't let you feel my love. It took me two years and a loved one to realize all I did to you was hurt you.

I do not deserve your love, even your forgiveness. I did not deserve any good thing you have brought to my life. Magnus had left us. Magnus had already left me. I cannot let you go too. You brought happiness in my life no one has done. You brought sunshine to my world submerged in flood of tears of loneliness. You brought back the sun to my dim world. However, I have taken you for granted, unknowingly you might get tired of understanding me. I haven't appreciated your efforts, your love. I haven't been true to you, to my self.

I cannot let go of the only person who loves me more than anyone else. I know it is selfishness to ask you to stay. I know it is profligate to ask another chance from you. However, if it is way too much, I will accept it wholeheartedly. I deserve nothing of your love, I didn't also deserve another chance from you.

If I have met your limitation, even if it hurts too much, I will let you go. You deserve someone better, someone who knows how to keep his promises. You deserve someone else. I deserve no one.

Thank you for two years of togetherness. Thank you for a loved one we have lost because of me. Thank you for making me feel loved, and making me feel important. Thank you for your love. If it is the end, you are free to go. If there's nothing I can do to make you stay, you are free to go. You can leave me and think of yourself this time. I know it is painful, but I deserve this. I have to pay the price of not being true to my promises. I have to pay the price of all my faults. I love you and I will always do.

Loving you,

J

Uprooted: An Open Letter to Those I Should Demote from Friends to Strangers

Dear Ex-Friends,

It's been a while since I tried to forget how to write and how to express myself through it. It has been a while since I chose not to talk about my emotions. As per you, it would only lead me to over thinking; which would lead me to loneliness. However, it only made me feel numb and callous. I regret the times I gave you all ears and followed your lead. I thought all you want for me is growth. I thought your care is genuine. Those were just pies in the sky. However, it happened already. Much of the time had been lost and wasted. All I would do now is move on and move forward. Should, not would. I should move on and move forward (something I should have done before).

I have three things to say before I close this chapter of my life, our lives, and continue moving forward: thank you, sorry, and goodbye.

Thank you for all the promises that have been broken. Thank you for giving me hope that is unreal. Thank you for showing me care that was not authentic. Thank you for everything that you might have done, but didn't. You told me to stay under your wings, but you put me under your shadow. I thought you would help me grow, but you only drain me from the inside.

You were a tree, I was just a sprout. You told me you would give me nutrients to grow even bigger. You promised me you would help me grow stronger. I believed your very words. I have just waited at the end of your rainbow. Sooner, I realised two trees may grow side by side, but not under the shadow of other. My roots went deep, so as yours. However, I struggled to find nutrients underneath for yours are far stronger and bigger. I died since then. Your shade covered the sunlight I needed. I looked for ways to at least receive enough sunlight, I couldn't. I was too weak to stand; too thin to support my leaves; too depressed to push through. I still trusted you. Years have passed, I became too lame. I was dying, you just didn't seem to care at all. I decided to uproot and find another place I might grow. I still am searching.

Sorry if I haven't been as open as you want me to be. I just couldn't find it easy to open things up you just didn't dare to know. You said I should have known what to do next, when. You said I should have known why to do what. You said I was old enough to be left alone, growing. Indeed you left me--in the middle of a storm; in the middle of nowhere. Sorry if I didn't ask for your help, when I needed it most. I found you busy doing things you want to do. I found you way too occupied dealing with people you want to deal with. I am out of the picture. Sorry for expecting you to put me in the picture I am certain I didn't belong in. Sorry for expecting you to believe in what I can do; in what I can contribute. Sorry for hoping that one day you would include me in your projects; that someday we would work together in a project we have pioneered (or I thought "we" have pioneered). I was just only building castles in the air. Sorry for trusting you way too much. Sorry for entrusting my hopes and my dreams into your "loving" hands.

I should have believed what other is saying about me. I should have believed in myself more than to your "words of wisdom". I should have learned that there are people who only want to use me to be able to go to higher grounds, which sadly include you. I am sorry for being a fool and not trusting my instincts.

I have just awakened from the dreams you instilled in me. I think it is time for me to think over again and start moving on. Goodbyes may seem saddening, but it is the beginning of freeing myself from the empty promises you have given me. Good bye to every good memory we once have shared, if there are. Good bye to the hopes I have had, and dreams I thought would come true. Good bye to the past that keeps on haunting me, and hurting me. Good bye to you my once trusted friends. 

Religion or Relationship: A Lenten Reflection

 “Jesus is alive! He is risen from the death! He is alive forevermore!” These words are typically stated during the Easter Sunday mass anywhere. However, at some point in time, this statement is accompanied with “we are serving the ONLY living God! Buddha is dead. The patrons of Catholicism are dead; their Christ is hanged on the cross! Mohammed is dead! So are the gods of Hinduism.  So on and so forth. Our God is the ONLY living God!”  Will it make us more good, [and] they more evil, when we say these words? Will it make us more righteous because we are serving the “only living God”? I don’t think so. Some say we are not after any religion for we pursue and we campaign relationship with the Saviour than religion. Then again, why is there a need for a comparison of whose god is living whose god is dead? Is it really necessary? Comparing with other “religions” makes our advocate a religion as well, isn’t it?

It is written that by faith, and by faith alone, a man can be saved. It is the belief of mankind that brings about salvation. We have different ways of believing. We do also have different ways of worshipping. It is still faith that saves one, no more, no less. Whether a person is a Muslim or a Christian, a Hindu or a Buddhist, a theist or an atheist, faith brings about salvation.

“Religion is just a way of living,” as how one of my trusted friends defined it. It is a discipline that strengthens our faith to the saviour. However, it is also the primary reason why people are divided into factions of multiple beliefs. We do not need to debate about which “religion” is true, and which is hoax. (Well, anyway, every religion claims to be the ultimate truth; all the others are just a part of the whole truth.) Debate, in the first place, causes disagreement. In disagreement, peace is gone. If there’s no peace, there’s war. And, yes, we are in a war. It is not a battle between who is good and who is less good. It is a battle between good and evil. Religion is a weapon discreetly used amongst us. We should learn not to be deceived by it.

I agree that we have to build relationship with the saviour and live through it religiously. I do not question the fact that faith is built and strengthened through constant conversing with the saviour. This is how a lasting relationship is built. Moreover, I also believe that everyone is in a relationship with the saviour already. We do not have to question what kind of relation there is. The only things we have to do are to respect and understand their choice of who to believe and who to worship. We should not condemn nor convict them!

The world is dying. I am afraid that there will be no hope in reviving its losing life. There are wars raging in almost every continent, physical or not. If we continue claiming that ours is the ultimate truth and theirs is not, how can we win them over religion? If we persist on saying “our God is the only living God” and their gods are not living in one way or another or our faith is the only faith that brings about salvation to the mankind, how can we convince them that it is their relationship with the saviour that will lead them to being saved?

What this world needs are people who can understand and who can respect. Regardless of what religion they are into, we must respect it. However, anyway, it is not a religion that we are offering, right? Regardless of what religion they are into, we have to understand them. We have our own choices. We cannot dictate someone to choose one over the others. They are not our slaves, in the first place. We also have our own reasons. What we can do is to understand them, and tell them they might as well consider building a lasting relationship with the saviour.

 There is no need for a comparison. There is no need to say that ours is better and theirs is not; ours is truer and theirs is false.  It would only lead to division, and, soon, separation. What we have to do is to promote relationship, not religion. What we have to do is to understand, not undermine their beliefs. What we have to do is to respect their choice, and not to force them choose ours, as well. In this way, I believe, the harmony that once was lost can be gained again. In this way, the peace that was once bogus will be genuine. Choose a peaceful living.

2014: A Year of Realization

Everyone is in deep search for his own happiness. Some just find it across the street, some found it resting in a corner. As for where my happiness was, I can say I know where it was however I haven't had the chance to genuinely feel it. Described as something that brings genuine joy and draws an upright curve on a face of the beholder, genuine happiness is something that cannot be easily found and searched. Sometimes it was met along the journey called life. Indeed, it was just the journey itself. 

                    

The past year brought both joy and pain to my being. I lost a lot and gained just fair. As I journeyed my way to my own happiness last year, I realized a lot of things. I learned some of them the hard way.

                                  

I realized the importance of friendship amidst crisis. Not all who called you friend are true and real, some are just users. It broke my heart to know that some of whom I considered friends just broke my trust and left me in deep agony and regret. However, it brought joy to my being that there are genuine ones—those who are ready to get me out of the pit and encourage me that I can still push through. I am thankful to the One who brings these people to my life.

I realized the importance of having someone at your side all the time when my pet friend dog, Tukla, and my pet friend cat, Black Tiger passed away. They were not just pets, they were our friends. I used to call them puyatero buddies for they always stayed with me all night. Now that they’re gone, I seldom stay late at night just to spare myself from missing them.

I realized I don’t have a long-time goal in life other than having a genuine happiness and finding a right place for me. My siblings had their goals and plans laid black and white with our parents while I have none. I think it is because of the fact that I am still uncertain about my career. I still in the journey of finding the right place for me.

In connection with it, I realized all that I need were support and encouragement from the core people in my life. Many have already said I am capable of doing almost everything because they know and believe I can, but still doubt covers all they have uttered. Recently I realized it was because I haven’t got enough support from the people who supposed to be the first to do so.

The year 2014 brought more sadness in my life because of the unfortunate events happened. However there were unplanned reunions and celebrations took place. There happened the first alumni homecoming of the organization which had sent me to school. It is a good avenue to be reunited with my co-scholars and spent the night reminiscing the past. What made it so wonderful is it happened during my birthday. Late that night, my friends and I, together with our mentor and “nanay” celebrated my special day in a coffee house. That was memorable!

I have been in a roller coaster ride of my life during the past year. There were just more downs than ups, though. I will not wish for a problem-less year for this year, rather I hope that these realizations will make me stronger and at least a step closer to who I ought to be and where I am supposed to  be.

Caught in the Middle

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away." Ecclesiastes 3:1,6 (NIV)

People who are surrounding me always tend to ask me, "bakit hindi ka pa lumipat sa Public [School] e licensed [teacher] ka na pala? Mas mataas ang sweldo dun, madami pang benefits." As a response, I just always nod at them and utter, "darating din tayo diyan. Naghihintay lang po ako ng tamang timing."

I am currently teaching in a private college. People think that I earn much since I was considered a professor already. The fact is, I am not. I only receive a basic salary, which is thousands lesser than I could get if I teach in a public school, with a higher tax to get paid monthly. I always tell my colleague that I want to live a life in accordance to my calling—to what He wants me to do, to my purpose, my destiny. Honestly speaking, I found my purpose in my current job. I believe I am living the way I am supposed to be living. However, things are changing. I have to consider a lot more things now than before.

Since 2014 started, I ask myself whether to stay or to go. If I choose to stay, I could spend more time learning and re-learning the things I have to understand, however compensated little. If I choose to go, a lot more opportunities could knock on my door: some would give me higher compensation. I was caught in the middle, and I definitely hate it. Before, when I am about to make a big decision, I tend to say "let destiny drives me to where I suppose to go." It is not applicable today, though. I have to make a decision on my own, with His guidance of course! It is, I think, one of the breakthroughs I have long been waiting for [to happen].

I always explain that if it is the salary that pushes me to quit my current job and look for a new one, I'd rather quit teaching FOR GOOD. I'd rather look for a job which will give me the same amount as how much I would earn when I teach in a public school. Being a teacher and being a genuine one means working selflessly and giving everything that can be given (or even more) without receiving much [in terms of salary]. It is a profession that demands passion over compensation. Anyone who wants to teach needs to be passion-driven rather than compensation-driven. A teacher is someone who works for more than the hours he stays in school. For most of the time, even at home he works. That is a life of a teacher!

For a newly graduated job-seeker, the main reason in searching for a job is to gain experience. For an experienced worker just like me, it is different, way deeper than gaining experience. As for me, it is more of searching to where I can render my service rather than having served; it more of fulfilling my destiny and responding to my calling, though not compensated much, rather than fulfilling my earthly desires and earn much. 

Definitely, I will be moving out of my recent job in due time. As per the moment, I have four reasons to quit. However, I found these reasons not enough to push through my plan, though. I still have to accumulate much courage and diligence in order not to regret whatever decision I have to make. I still have six months to think.