Two Years and a Loved One

Dear L,

I do not know how to begin with this letter. I do not know if I deserve another chance from you. I know I don't, but please for the last time, if this is it, I want to tell you how grateful I am having you in my life.

Two years ago, you came into my life by a surprise. You have the most wonderful eyes I saw with people around. You have the most precious smile I witnessed. Those genuine smiles you gave assured me of your love for me. Two years ago, I have finally met the person who'd give me love I am longing for. Two years ago, I have finally met the person I could open my heart to once more.

During the early times of our togetherness, I shared you things I rarely shared. I opened my private door to someone I knew I could trust the most. You deserved it. For the past two years, I told you stories from my past that hurt me a lot. I told you how writing broke my heart to million pieces. You read my blog, even the unpublished ones. You told me I should write again. You told me how my blog touched your heart, and how it will to others as well. I replied, "maybe soon. When the wound finally get healed, when all my tears are dried up, maybe I will be able to write again." You encouraged me everyday to write. You didn't get tired of reminding me how beautiful my blogs are; how emotional those were. For the past two years, you never get tired of me. I promised you I will write again; I will go back to writing. I failed.

You knew my vices. I promised you I would get rid of them. You made me promise not to get drunk again. I promised you that instead of spending my money in alcohol, I'd rather save them for future. Something I haven't kept for a long time. I succumbed in my vices. I put them under your very eyes. However, you caught me cheating. You have your ways. You get mad at me, which I deserve. I failed to keep my promises, again.

I also shared how I love to have a dog of my own. A pet I could say mine. You promised me you would give me one when your dog give birth. August of this year, your dog gave birth. You made your promise come true. You gave me a wonderful pup. You provided me a treasure I wanted for a long time. You made me promise to keep him safe and take care of him. I promised you I won't let any bad thing to happen to him. Early this month, he caught a disease. I tried my best to save him. I failed. Our dog, our child, died because of my irresponsibility. You never got a chance to see him grow personally. I failed you once again.

All you did was to love me. All you did was to give me chances to be better. However, I always took you for granted. I know you having a good heart, but I never realized it has its own limitation. You always asked me why. You always asked me what the things you should do that you haven't done yet. You always told me you would do anything just to keep me from failing again and again. I never asked you the same thing. I am the one who falls short of you expectations. I am the one who always breaks your heart. I am the one who never keeps his promises, and breaks them instead. You always cry because of me. You are always broken because of me. Those eyes I have seen the first time I saw you are not as sparkling as they were. Those smiles you throw to anyone hide a deepest sadness you experienced because of me. I admit I wronged you in many ways. I admit I have done something unforgivable. 

The moment I saw our baby's last breathe is the moment I know I lost it all. I lost the dog I promised I would take care of. I failed to keep the last promise I gave you. I lost everything the moment we lost Magnus. During his last moments, I told him I cannot let him go. I cannot let him go. I cannot see him depart. I have never cried for someone that much. I am weeping because I didn't only lost Magnus, but I know I have lost someone who loved me more than anyone else. I miss him very much. I regret the times I should have spent with him. 

It took me two years to realized how fortunate I am having you in my life. It took me two years to realized some good things may never last, and while they are here, I have to enjoy the moment. It took me two years to understand how painful it is to hurt someone I always tell I love the most. It took me two years to realize how actions speak louder than voices.

I know I am way too late to realize these things. I know Magnus will never forgive me for all the things I did. I know you will never forgive me for all the things I did. I cannot even forgive myself for what have happened. I lost someone I love, and I am now at risk of losing you too. 

Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize my faults have prices. Two years and a loved one is all it needed for me to realize I didn't let you feel my love. It took me two years and a loved one to realize all I did to you was hurt you.

I do not deserve your love, even your forgiveness. I did not deserve any good thing you have brought to my life. Magnus had left us. Magnus had already left me. I cannot let you go too. You brought happiness in my life no one has done. You brought sunshine to my world submerged in flood of tears of loneliness. You brought back the sun to my dim world. However, I have taken you for granted, unknowingly you might get tired of understanding me. I haven't appreciated your efforts, your love. I haven't been true to you, to my self.

I cannot let go of the only person who loves me more than anyone else. I know it is selfishness to ask you to stay. I know it is profligate to ask another chance from you. However, if it is way too much, I will accept it wholeheartedly. I deserve nothing of your love, I didn't also deserve another chance from you.

If I have met your limitation, even if it hurts too much, I will let you go. You deserve someone better, someone who knows how to keep his promises. You deserve someone else. I deserve no one.

Thank you for two years of togetherness. Thank you for a loved one we have lost because of me. Thank you for making me feel loved, and making me feel important. Thank you for your love. If it is the end, you are free to go. If there's nothing I can do to make you stay, you are free to go. You can leave me and think of yourself this time. I know it is painful, but I deserve this. I have to pay the price of not being true to my promises. I have to pay the price of all my faults. I love you and I will always do.

Loving you,

J

Uprooted: An Open Letter to Those I Should Demote from Friends to Strangers

Dear Ex-Friends,

It's been a while since I tried to forget how to write and how to express myself through it. It has been a while since I chose not to talk about my emotions. As per you, it would only lead me to over thinking; which would lead me to loneliness. However, it only made me feel numb and callous. I regret the times I gave you all ears and followed your lead. I thought all you want for me is growth. I thought your care is genuine. Those were just pies in the sky. However, it happened already. Much of the time had been lost and wasted. All I would do now is move on and move forward. Should, not would. I should move on and move forward (something I should have done before).

I have three things to say before I close this chapter of my life, our lives, and continue moving forward: thank you, sorry, and goodbye.

Thank you for all the promises that have been broken. Thank you for giving me hope that is unreal. Thank you for showing me care that was not authentic. Thank you for everything that you might have done, but didn't. You told me to stay under your wings, but you put me under your shadow. I thought you would help me grow, but you only drain me from the inside.

You were a tree, I was just a sprout. You told me you would give me nutrients to grow even bigger. You promised me you would help me grow stronger. I believed your very words. I have just waited at the end of your rainbow. Sooner, I realised two trees may grow side by side, but not under the shadow of other. My roots went deep, so as yours. However, I struggled to find nutrients underneath for yours are far stronger and bigger. I died since then. Your shade covered the sunlight I needed. I looked for ways to at least receive enough sunlight, I couldn't. I was too weak to stand; too thin to support my leaves; too depressed to push through. I still trusted you. Years have passed, I became too lame. I was dying, you just didn't seem to care at all. I decided to uproot and find another place I might grow. I still am searching.

Sorry if I haven't been as open as you want me to be. I just couldn't find it easy to open things up you just didn't dare to know. You said I should have known what to do next, when. You said I should have known why to do what. You said I was old enough to be left alone, growing. Indeed you left me--in the middle of a storm; in the middle of nowhere. Sorry if I didn't ask for your help, when I needed it most. I found you busy doing things you want to do. I found you way too occupied dealing with people you want to deal with. I am out of the picture. Sorry for expecting you to put me in the picture I am certain I didn't belong in. Sorry for expecting you to believe in what I can do; in what I can contribute. Sorry for hoping that one day you would include me in your projects; that someday we would work together in a project we have pioneered (or I thought "we" have pioneered). I was just only building castles in the air. Sorry for trusting you way too much. Sorry for entrusting my hopes and my dreams into your "loving" hands.

I should have believed what other is saying about me. I should have believed in myself more than to your "words of wisdom". I should have learned that there are people who only want to use me to be able to go to higher grounds, which sadly include you. I am sorry for being a fool and not trusting my instincts.

I have just awakened from the dreams you instilled in me. I think it is time for me to think over again and start moving on. Goodbyes may seem saddening, but it is the beginning of freeing myself from the empty promises you have given me. Good bye to every good memory we once have shared, if there are. Good bye to the hopes I have had, and dreams I thought would come true. Good bye to the past that keeps on haunting me, and hurting me. Good bye to you my once trusted friends. 

Religion or Relationship: A Lenten Reflection

 “Jesus is alive! He is risen from the death! He is alive forevermore!” These words are typically stated during the Easter Sunday mass anywhere. However, at some point in time, this statement is accompanied with “we are serving the ONLY living God! Buddha is dead. The patrons of Catholicism are dead; their Christ is hanged on the cross! Mohammed is dead! So are the gods of Hinduism.  So on and so forth. Our God is the ONLY living God!”  Will it make us more good, [and] they more evil, when we say these words? Will it make us more righteous because we are serving the “only living God”? I don’t think so. Some say we are not after any religion for we pursue and we campaign relationship with the Saviour than religion. Then again, why is there a need for a comparison of whose god is living whose god is dead? Is it really necessary? Comparing with other “religions” makes our advocate a religion as well, isn’t it?

It is written that by faith, and by faith alone, a man can be saved. It is the belief of mankind that brings about salvation. We have different ways of believing. We do also have different ways of worshipping. It is still faith that saves one, no more, no less. Whether a person is a Muslim or a Christian, a Hindu or a Buddhist, a theist or an atheist, faith brings about salvation.

“Religion is just a way of living,” as how one of my trusted friends defined it. It is a discipline that strengthens our faith to the saviour. However, it is also the primary reason why people are divided into factions of multiple beliefs. We do not need to debate about which “religion” is true, and which is hoax. (Well, anyway, every religion claims to be the ultimate truth; all the others are just a part of the whole truth.) Debate, in the first place, causes disagreement. In disagreement, peace is gone. If there’s no peace, there’s war. And, yes, we are in a war. It is not a battle between who is good and who is less good. It is a battle between good and evil. Religion is a weapon discreetly used amongst us. We should learn not to be deceived by it.

I agree that we have to build relationship with the saviour and live through it religiously. I do not question the fact that faith is built and strengthened through constant conversing with the saviour. This is how a lasting relationship is built. Moreover, I also believe that everyone is in a relationship with the saviour already. We do not have to question what kind of relation there is. The only things we have to do are to respect and understand their choice of who to believe and who to worship. We should not condemn nor convict them!

The world is dying. I am afraid that there will be no hope in reviving its losing life. There are wars raging in almost every continent, physical or not. If we continue claiming that ours is the ultimate truth and theirs is not, how can we win them over religion? If we persist on saying “our God is the only living God” and their gods are not living in one way or another or our faith is the only faith that brings about salvation to the mankind, how can we convince them that it is their relationship with the saviour that will lead them to being saved?

What this world needs are people who can understand and who can respect. Regardless of what religion they are into, we must respect it. However, anyway, it is not a religion that we are offering, right? Regardless of what religion they are into, we have to understand them. We have our own choices. We cannot dictate someone to choose one over the others. They are not our slaves, in the first place. We also have our own reasons. What we can do is to understand them, and tell them they might as well consider building a lasting relationship with the saviour.

 There is no need for a comparison. There is no need to say that ours is better and theirs is not; ours is truer and theirs is false.  It would only lead to division, and, soon, separation. What we have to do is to promote relationship, not religion. What we have to do is to understand, not undermine their beliefs. What we have to do is to respect their choice, and not to force them choose ours, as well. In this way, I believe, the harmony that once was lost can be gained again. In this way, the peace that was once bogus will be genuine. Choose a peaceful living.

2014: A Year of Realization

Everyone is in deep search for his own happiness. Some just find it across the street, some found it resting in a corner. As for where my happiness was, I can say I know where it was however I haven't had the chance to genuinely feel it. Described as something that brings genuine joy and draws an upright curve on a face of the beholder, genuine happiness is something that cannot be easily found and searched. Sometimes it was met along the journey called life. Indeed, it was just the journey itself. 

                    

The past year brought both joy and pain to my being. I lost a lot and gained just fair. As I journeyed my way to my own happiness last year, I realized a lot of things. I learned some of them the hard way.

                                  

I realized the importance of friendship amidst crisis. Not all who called you friend are true and real, some are just users. It broke my heart to know that some of whom I considered friends just broke my trust and left me in deep agony and regret. However, it brought joy to my being that there are genuine ones—those who are ready to get me out of the pit and encourage me that I can still push through. I am thankful to the One who brings these people to my life.

I realized the importance of having someone at your side all the time when my pet friend dog, Tukla, and my pet friend cat, Black Tiger passed away. They were not just pets, they were our friends. I used to call them puyatero buddies for they always stayed with me all night. Now that they’re gone, I seldom stay late at night just to spare myself from missing them.

I realized I don’t have a long-time goal in life other than having a genuine happiness and finding a right place for me. My siblings had their goals and plans laid black and white with our parents while I have none. I think it is because of the fact that I am still uncertain about my career. I still in the journey of finding the right place for me.

In connection with it, I realized all that I need were support and encouragement from the core people in my life. Many have already said I am capable of doing almost everything because they know and believe I can, but still doubt covers all they have uttered. Recently I realized it was because I haven’t got enough support from the people who supposed to be the first to do so.

The year 2014 brought more sadness in my life because of the unfortunate events happened. However there were unplanned reunions and celebrations took place. There happened the first alumni homecoming of the organization which had sent me to school. It is a good avenue to be reunited with my co-scholars and spent the night reminiscing the past. What made it so wonderful is it happened during my birthday. Late that night, my friends and I, together with our mentor and “nanay” celebrated my special day in a coffee house. That was memorable!

I have been in a roller coaster ride of my life during the past year. There were just more downs than ups, though. I will not wish for a problem-less year for this year, rather I hope that these realizations will make me stronger and at least a step closer to who I ought to be and where I am supposed to  be.

Caught in the Middle

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away." Ecclesiastes 3:1,6 (NIV)

People who are surrounding me always tend to ask me, "bakit hindi ka pa lumipat sa Public [School] e licensed [teacher] ka na pala? Mas mataas ang sweldo dun, madami pang benefits." As a response, I just always nod at them and utter, "darating din tayo diyan. Naghihintay lang po ako ng tamang timing."

I am currently teaching in a private college. People think that I earn much since I was considered a professor already. The fact is, I am not. I only receive a basic salary, which is thousands lesser than I could get if I teach in a public school, with a higher tax to get paid monthly. I always tell my colleague that I want to live a life in accordance to my calling—to what He wants me to do, to my purpose, my destiny. Honestly speaking, I found my purpose in my current job. I believe I am living the way I am supposed to be living. However, things are changing. I have to consider a lot more things now than before.

Since 2014 started, I ask myself whether to stay or to go. If I choose to stay, I could spend more time learning and re-learning the things I have to understand, however compensated little. If I choose to go, a lot more opportunities could knock on my door: some would give me higher compensation. I was caught in the middle, and I definitely hate it. Before, when I am about to make a big decision, I tend to say "let destiny drives me to where I suppose to go." It is not applicable today, though. I have to make a decision on my own, with His guidance of course! It is, I think, one of the breakthroughs I have long been waiting for [to happen].

I always explain that if it is the salary that pushes me to quit my current job and look for a new one, I'd rather quit teaching FOR GOOD. I'd rather look for a job which will give me the same amount as how much I would earn when I teach in a public school. Being a teacher and being a genuine one means working selflessly and giving everything that can be given (or even more) without receiving much [in terms of salary]. It is a profession that demands passion over compensation. Anyone who wants to teach needs to be passion-driven rather than compensation-driven. A teacher is someone who works for more than the hours he stays in school. For most of the time, even at home he works. That is a life of a teacher!

For a newly graduated job-seeker, the main reason in searching for a job is to gain experience. For an experienced worker just like me, it is different, way deeper than gaining experience. As for me, it is more of searching to where I can render my service rather than having served; it more of fulfilling my destiny and responding to my calling, though not compensated much, rather than fulfilling my earthly desires and earn much. 

Definitely, I will be moving out of my recent job in due time. As per the moment, I have four reasons to quit. However, I found these reasons not enough to push through my plan, though. I still have to accumulate much courage and diligence in order not to regret whatever decision I have to make. I still have six months to think. 

The Reason Behind My Strictness

It is my second year of teaching in college. Things have drastically changed since the first time I entered my first room and taught my first class. The roster of the students I am handling is getting longer. The lessons are getting harder. The pressure is getting heavier. However, the strength I have remained constant. The passion I have loses as the days pass by. The fire is dying. I am losing my worth.

I supposed not to feel this way. It was just because I never see an improvement in the system, in my career path, in my worth-seeking journey. It was like I am just going nowhere. I have to check my effectivity.

I was known to be an instructor who never considers his students, students, rather friends. I am an instructor who shares my knowledge to the people who I consider special in my life. I teach Maths, and it is given that Math is difficult. The reason I consider my students friends is because I believe they would learn more and love Math more. I was wrong. They didn't learned enough. They just learned momentarily. After a semester, they forgot what we had talked about. This breaks my heart to million pieces. I thought what I was doing is enough for them to learn. I thought when I became their friend, they would spend more time studying Math. I thought, when I became considerate, they would just love Math and become eager to learn more about it. All I was thinking were wrong. I am but a failure. I have to change my strategy.

I choose to be more strict not because I want but because I am thinking this will push them to study Math even more. (Here I am again with my thoughts.) I choose not to show consideration because I just want my students be more responsible especially when studying Math. If you were to ask me if this decision gives me reason to be happy, I'd say not. This is not what I want, now that I am about to leave. However, I am considering the long time effect of this action. If I'd succeed in this experiment, then I would be more confident to say that my students are excelling in Math and I would be happier knowing that they can solve Math problems even without my guide.

My role as their teacher is to prepare them stand on their own. My role as their instructor is to help them develop the attitudes they need in order to face the real-life problems they are about to face in the near future. However, I could only act on these roles if I could see and if I could assess whether they are truly learning. 

It is difficult for me to become strict because it is not really me. I am compromising myself, and that is hard. It takes enough strength, more than just enough actually, and bravery to go against your own personality. However, if it is for the sake of the people who give me worth, who give me reason to wake up and face the day, I'd rather do it than do nothing.

This is not for my own sake, but for my students' sake. I want them to learn Math and be prepared to take any other Math courses with confidence that they can pass even WITHOUT my guidance.

Purpose Seeker

Two weeks have gone so fast. The semester's rolling, but still I was stuck with the thought of doubting whether I am on the right track.

I have been teaching for three years now (not to mention the years I spent teaching in a Tutorial Center). For the past three years of teaching I found my worth as a teacher, as someone who shares his knowledge to his students. Yes, I was happy then. Yes, I was satisfied. Though the work to be done was not compensated properly, the joy of knowing my students learn and enjoy learning is enough. I was idealistic, they said. 

Things are constantly changing, however. The joy of teaching has been diminishing since the last time I stand in front and talk. I had become a seeker then. I was assessing myself whether I am indeed an effective teacher, a sufficient learning facilitator. I promised myself to kill the idealistic part of me and replace it with realistic one. "I am living in a real world, anyway." I said. I think I overkilled the idealistic me and find myself killing the other part of my dying personality. I was facing the reality that not all inside the room is listening and learning. It breaks my heart.

I am losing my drive to teach. I am losing my motivation to continue this journey of being a teacher. I want some diversity. I want to re-learn whether what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. I want to confirm my purpose in life. Sooner, just maybe, I will be resigning from this job and be looking for myself once again.I know it would be harder this time, but I still hope that I would find who I really am and why I am still living (or existing?).