The Reason Behind My Strictness

It is my second year of teaching in college. Things have drastically changed since the first time I entered my first room and taught my first class. The roster of the students I am handling is getting longer. The lessons are getting harder. The pressure is getting heavier. However, the strength I have remained constant. The passion I have loses as the days pass by. The fire is dying. I am losing my worth.

I supposed not to feel this way. It was just because I never see an improvement in the system, in my career path, in my worth-seeking journey. It was like I am just going nowhere. I have to check my effectivity.

I was known to be an instructor who never considers his students, students, rather friends. I am an instructor who shares my knowledge to the people who I consider special in my life. I teach Maths, and it is given that Math is difficult. The reason I consider my students friends is because I believe they would learn more and love Math more. I was wrong. They didn't learned enough. They just learned momentarily. After a semester, they forgot what we had talked about. This breaks my heart to million pieces. I thought what I was doing is enough for them to learn. I thought when I became their friend, they would spend more time studying Math. I thought, when I became considerate, they would just love Math and become eager to learn more about it. All I was thinking were wrong. I am but a failure. I have to change my strategy.

I choose to be more strict not because I want but because I am thinking this will push them to study Math even more. (Here I am again with my thoughts.) I choose not to show consideration because I just want my students be more responsible especially when studying Math. If you were to ask me if this decision gives me reason to be happy, I'd say not. This is not what I want, now that I am about to leave. However, I am considering the long time effect of this action. If I'd succeed in this experiment, then I would be more confident to say that my students are excelling in Math and I would be happier knowing that they can solve Math problems even without my guide.

My role as their teacher is to prepare them stand on their own. My role as their instructor is to help them develop the attitudes they need in order to face the real-life problems they are about to face in the near future. However, I could only act on these roles if I could see and if I could assess whether they are truly learning. 

It is difficult for me to become strict because it is not really me. I am compromising myself, and that is hard. It takes enough strength, more than just enough actually, and bravery to go against your own personality. However, if it is for the sake of the people who give me worth, who give me reason to wake up and face the day, I'd rather do it than do nothing.

This is not for my own sake, but for my students' sake. I want them to learn Math and be prepared to take any other Math courses with confidence that they can pass even WITHOUT my guidance.

Purpose Seeker

Two weeks have gone so fast. The semester's rolling, but still I was stuck with the thought of doubting whether I am on the right track.

I have been teaching for three years now (not to mention the years I spent teaching in a Tutorial Center). For the past three years of teaching I found my worth as a teacher, as someone who shares his knowledge to his students. Yes, I was happy then. Yes, I was satisfied. Though the work to be done was not compensated properly, the joy of knowing my students learn and enjoy learning is enough. I was idealistic, they said. 

Things are constantly changing, however. The joy of teaching has been diminishing since the last time I stand in front and talk. I had become a seeker then. I was assessing myself whether I am indeed an effective teacher, a sufficient learning facilitator. I promised myself to kill the idealistic part of me and replace it with realistic one. "I am living in a real world, anyway." I said. I think I overkilled the idealistic me and find myself killing the other part of my dying personality. I was facing the reality that not all inside the room is listening and learning. It breaks my heart.

I am losing my drive to teach. I am losing my motivation to continue this journey of being a teacher. I want some diversity. I want to re-learn whether what I am doing is what I am supposed to be doing. I want to confirm my purpose in life. Sooner, just maybe, I will be resigning from this job and be looking for myself once again.I know it would be harder this time, but I still hope that I would find who I really am and why I am still living (or existing?).

How Happiness is Computed

Everyday everyone is looking for something that will draw a parabolic curve that opens upward onto his face. Everyday everyone is taking his journey to finding that one special reason to keep living and to keep the happiness real in his life—without faking smiles and telling he’s okay even if he’s not. However, not all achieve their goals—some just lost hope in taking risk, some had failed, some just got tired of continuing the trip.

                Happiness is a thing everyone is looking for. Some find their happiness in their loved ones. Some find it in their recent jobs. Some find it in fulfilling their desires. Some find it elsewhere even within the gloomiest moments of their lives. However, what does real happiness mean? Is there such a formula in finding the genuine happiness in this world full of irony?

                Happiness has no definite definition. Its definition is relative. It differs from one individual to another. The definition depends on how things are seen and considered. In the eyes of a child, happiness is receiving a candy from a friend or from his parents. In the heart of a lover, happiness is spending quality time with his special someone. In the mind of a failure or a frustrated person, happiness is achieving his goal on his own, without depending on somebody. In the heart of a rejected, genuine happiness in found in acceptance. In the eyes of parents, happiness is when they see their children succeed on their chosen career. In the eyes of a son or a daughter, happiness is when his parents become proud of him even in his littlest achievements. In the mind of a problematic, happiness is when answers come along his way. In the heart of the unnoticed, happiness is when suddenly somebody spend time listening to every word he utters. In the heart of an artist, happiness is found when his masterpiece is appreciated. For the less fortunate, happiness is taking at least one meal in a day. For an accused, happiness is when he is found innocent. Happiness is not defined, it is felt. It is felt whenever peace overdoes stress in whatever situation at hand. It is felt whenever positivity overshadows the effects of negativity in one’s life.

                Happiness is not measured quantitatively, but rather qualitatively. It is how things are perceived positively despite of all surrounding negativities. It is how things looked brighter though it seemed to be so dim. Happiness, indeed, is a product of the factors taking into consideration. These factors are the variables—relationships, achievements and failures, goals and dreams, even trials and problems—we consider important in our lives. Ironic it may seem failures and problems add some sense of fulfillment though they diminish some portion of happiness. It is sadness that makes happiness well appreciated and treasured. It is failure that helps us keep going to achieve our ultimate goal—experiencing genuine happiness in our lives. It is problem that opens our mind to realize that solutions are just around the corner.

                One amusing fact in science is when you divide something you are actually multiplying the quantity without compromising the quality. It is well manifested in cell division. To have happiness lasted for a longer time possible, one should share it. Nothing worth trying is worth doing. However, when it comes to spreading happiness everywhere, one should always consider sharing it, without faking it. Fake happiness is not worth it because it is not real, no matter what rationale is given. The authenticity of happiness can be proven by the way people live. It is shown by the way they talk, the way they do things, the way they react and the way they act whenever troubles strike them.

                To spread happiness is not easy. You should have experienced it first and it should be real in your life. You could not share something you really don’t have. You can find real happiness by sharing your life with others. You can find real happiness in helping the needy and in comforting the weary.

Happiness is not a treasure to be found at the “X” mark on the map, rather it is found in the journey to finding that “X” mark. It is not a variable to be solved in the equation of life. It is THE answer we have solved after evaluating the equation with the substituted values in each variable. If happiness is written in a mathematical equation, it is somewhat looked like this:

Happiness is the quotient of the products of positive things and negative things in life. If the product of positive things in life is higher than the product of negative things in life, then happiness is relatively big. Otherwise, it is relatively small. I could not enumerate the positive or the negative things in life because these two classifications are relative. It depends on how a person considers things—either positive or negative. However, no matter how big or how small the happiness solved from the equation, it is still happiness. This would mean, whatever comes to our lives, we always experience happiness even if it is little or almost none.

So before you say you are living a sad life, or a problematic one, think about the things that once made you smile. There is always something to look into. There is always something to look forward to. There is always someone to look up. It may be hard for now, but do not stop. It may be dark and scary, but do not give up.  Keep moving on and keep moving forward. Soon you will experience greater joy when you surpass all the challenges life has for you. Soon you will find the things that will make you happy in a way no one could tell you. Soon you can say you have finally found and experienced genuine happiness like no one else.  

2013: Year of Explorations

  Few hours ago, we literally waved our goodbyes to 2013 and embraced 2014 with joyful hearts. Today, everything will be refreshed—hoping for a good start. Almost everyone is doing such a wonderful review for all the things happened last year. As for me, and for what I have been doing for the past three year now, I am looking back to what happened in my 2013 journey—both good and bad, beneficial or not.

The year 2013 is a year of unexpected achievements, explorations, and discoveries to me. I have achieved things that are not literally included in my 2013 goals. I have explored many things in life that I could possibly consider as good tries. I have discovered some treasures that are considerably priceless. Let me enumerate some of them.

November of 2012, in CCSI, I was assigned to handle the Speech Laboratory classes for the six grade levels. Although it was not really related with my area of specification, the school administrators trusted me with my amateur skill in this course. We agreed to begin the class early the next year. The Speech Lab classes I facilitated were filled with laughter and fun. I enjoyed the experience of being an English teacher, and I think it is when the journey of me majoring in English has started.

It was in January 2013 when I was asked to edit the Graduation script of CCSI. At first, I don’t want to accept this task for several reasons, but since they trusted me a lot, I did. I challenged myself to have the Graduation script written in an untypical manner, quite innovative from the previous scripts they have had. I passed the first draft; they said it’s good and different. I wasn’t satisfied, so I edited the drafts and had I think three more drafts before the final draft was written, proofread, and passed. They were amazed by how the script was written. In effect, they asked me to become the Program Director as well. I never had a chance to direct a big event such as school graduation. I am doing this directing stuff while working as a part-time school administrator (checking students’ profiles, updating their folios, etc.). I was also assigned to layout the student handbook of CCSI. That happened in February to March 2013. My first quarter was filled with unexpected jobs and unexpected experiences.

Unfortunately, I’ve got my first conflict with a colleague during the graduation rehearsal. We had had a misunderstanding during the last day of rehearsal.  I told the teachers that they could change some minor parts in the script, which she didn’t get well (I think). Out of frustration to perfect the event flow and out of tiredness, I yelled at her saying she should not do what she had done. It was a wrong move, yet I only stood in my position as the Program Director. I actually planned not to attend the ceremony, yet the sense of obligation pushed me to do so. We achieved our ultimate goal to make almost everyone in the room cry. The ceremony was filled with intense emotion that was tattooed in everyone’s heart. It was unforgettable.

I resigned from my position as a Math teacher after the graduation not because of the conflict but because I thought I have done my job well and I need to move from Elementary level to a higher level of education, Secondary perhaps. I was officially unemployed for the entire summer, not to mention my summer job in Math Works Tutorial Center which is also one-of-a-kind experience. I worked in MW for two months, I think. That was during the Advance Lectures in Math and for the UPCAT Review we are organizing during summer. I have the chance to contribute in the handbook we used in the Review.

I took the LET last March 2013. Unfortunately, I was hooked up with lots of things to do so I had no time to review. Luckily I passed and I’ve got a high grade. The result was released May 2013. When I had a chance to drop by the PRC, that was sometime in May, I went there. Some strange voice told me not to push through, but I was stubborn. I went there though it is nearly evening. What happened was some big guy followed me through, grabbed me and robbed all my valuables—phone and around P3, 000 cash. I was hopeless. I was helpless. I learned my lesson to always listen to the small voice. Another mishap happened last August 2013, when a group of unidentified people robbed us inside our house. My new phone and new tablet, together with my cash and important ID’s were taken. Luckily, no one in the member of the family was hurt.

When June came, I am still unemployed. I passed my resume to almost every school of my dream. In fact, I was accepted in one school when I applied the month before I resigned. I only pulled my application back for several personal reasons. So I was then praying while waiting. Some phoned me and interviewed me, then either I fell short of the qualifications or I turned the offer down. One day, that was sometime in May 2013, an International School called me and scheduled me for an interview and demo teaching. I agreed. I was known as a Street Smart person, but when I was on my trip to the said school, I got lost. Funny it was, then, and heartbreaking was the fact that I wasn’t able to attend to my schedule and lost another opportunity to work in an International School. I was also become broke, then. On the other hand, my sister sent me an SMS saying STI is scheduling me for an interview and demo teaching. It was June 4, 2013, if I am not mistaken. I expressed my intension to apply right after I arrived home, and waited for the confirmation. I was schedule for an interview the next day and had my demo teaching the day after next. I was hired and was asked to report on June 7. That was the start of my STI journey.

The first semester was okay. I was adjusting from teaching small cute kids to big stubborn childish college students.(kidding on the stubborn part). I get to know some professors: some became my friends, some became my tropa. It was nice to be teaching in collegiate level especially when you are mistakenly identified as one of the students. I enjoyed my first semester. I gained a lot of experience, shared some to my students. These people who happened to become under my supervision become my friends. Well, I consider them friends because this is how I teach. The start of the second semester was quite difficult. I was assigned to teach six Math subjects, which is not advisable. However, I chose to enjoy the months of November and December 2013 just to lighten up the load.

The college week is done during December. It is when the students get the chance to explore things they didn’t try in a formal class. Last year’s college week was different as per the colleagues who are teaching in STI for more than a year. A Faculty Cook-off challenge was organized and I became one of the representatives of our department. We won the third spot. The college week also happened to have a Fashion night. I was invited to become one of the Male Professor models. I accepted the invitation. That was when I became a ramp model for the first time. I didn’t get the title as the Best Mode yet the experience added some spice in my ever adventurous life.

The week after which was the only week when I get to realize what I have and what I have had—the ministry I used to be involved in, the work God wants me to do, the love of my life who happens to be the star which lead me to the manger, the manger and who was in there, the lessons in every up and every down of my life, everything. I had once told 2012 was the year of wandering for me, and now I am telling 2013 is the year of exploration. I explored all throughout the year: gained new experiences, acquired unexpected achievements, unlocked new discoveries, and found the path back to my first love. I believe everything that had happened in the last year has a part in finding who I really am.

Although I wasn’t able to be on top, just like when I am in my younger years; although I wasn’t able to find the people who took away my valuables; although I fell in love and lost in the battle of keeping that love for a longer time; although I stumbled several times along the way; although I have so much pain and hurtful feelings within me; although I lost some of my friends, I know I am stronger now and I know I am mature enough to face the challenges again. It may be hard to begin, but I will start this year with faith in the Almighty One.

I am excited to what awaits me in the journey I am going through this 2014. I will just let Him show me the way and let His hand guide me as I take it.

Prolonged Agony

Sometime, somehow, you might find yourself in the middle of the darkest night of your life; being left alone, having no one around to help you rise up. Eventually, even the littlest hope you had left you. Sooner than later, the least strength you had was gone. Later than it, you were all alone—alone in the middle of nowhere. All you can do was cry, cry all the tears you had left, cry all the hurts built by the tremendous circumstances that killed your hope. But, even crying did not help you. You knew you needed someone who can really help you. As you look around, there was no one.  The rain poured heavily, then.  You were all alone, experiencing every drop of the furious rain. Soon you thought you were hopeless. Soon you thought you could never pass through this. Soon you thought of killing yourself. However, something hindered you doing so.

Hopeless you were trying to get out of your situation with every way you might think of. Helpless you were trying to get out of the pit you were drowning into, alone.  Weak you were trying to stand and rise up. However, in every attempt you did, you failed. You were doomed, you thought. You were doomed because of your selfish ambitions. You were doomed because of the mumbles in your mind.

You wished to see a light—the littlest light that might revive the hope that was fading. A glimpse of the light you were hoping for was enough to restore your weakening spirit. “Just a glimpse…” you thought, “just a glimpse.” However, even the hope of seeing that glimpse was fading. You even did not have the strength to look for it. The rain was still pouring. It poured heavier, then. The raindrops seemed to be like the stones once thrown to you.

You were condemned. You were condemned because of the incident you never thought would cause you to death. Your filthy deeds led you to condemnation. You thought doing these things were typical. You were wrong. You thought your friends would understand why. You were wrong. They all reviled you. Even those who you thought would understand and ease the pain left you amidst of your most humiliating moments. They all despised you. They were all gone. You were all alone.  The rain started to pour down, then.

All your good deeds were forgotten. All your good works were unable to save you from where you were.  You thought doing this thing and that would suffice your safety. Your own wisdom failed you. Now that you were all alone, you found nothing to do but to weep. Weep until your lost hope revived. But, weeping is of no help. It just added to the vanishing of your strength. You soon regretted all the moments you had wasted doing those filthy things. Soon, you were condemning yourself.

The night was getting deeper; the rain was pouring heavier. The strength you once had been gone totally. You fell asleep.

Even in your dream that night, you were condemning yourself. All the regretful moments were haunting you, then. You tried to run from it. Yes, you were running from it. You were running fast, as fast as you could. You run faster that you had to catch your breath. You got tired of running. You stopped, then, and noticed you were running on the same place. In every time you tried to step your foot forward, you were just standing on the very same ground. You were haunted. The bad memories were flashing before your very eyes. You tried to escape from this nightmare, but you always failed. You had no one to call upon. You only had yourself with you. The darkness that covers you became darker. You can no longer see. You cannot even breathe. You were choking.

You suddenly opened your eyes, catching your breath. You thought you were already dead. You wished to be dead. As you looked around, your eyes captured a light. You thought you were wrong, but as you looked straight toward where the light is coming from, it was becoming brighter. The dead hope inside of you enlivened. You eventually found strength to shout and ask for help. However, you heard no voice. You shouted your lungs out just to call some attention from someone from the light. Your weak body rapidly surrendered from your activity. You lost your consciousness. The rain is still pouring. The night is becoming longer than expected.

Hours later, when you finally recovered from unconsciousness, you felt someone is carrying you. You were hearing someone saying, “Please come home, my beloved. Come home.” You opened your eyes. You saw nothing but a silhouette of a man in a light—very bright light that can almost blind you. Moments later, the blurred image became clearer. You were recognizing who the silhouette was, then.  You are recognizing it was I. The one who is carrying you and the one who is calling you beloved was me. You, then, hugged me back. You are weeping and repenting. Forgiveness comforts you then.

I was looking at you from afar. I really wanted to go near you and give you my hand, but you were always letting it go. You said you could pass through this on your own. From afar, as I watched you suffering, my heart was breaking into million pieces. The moment you admitted you could not do it on your own, was the same moment I ran after you. But you always ran from me. You ran because condemnation was choking you to death. You did not realize I never condemn. I only love.

Now that you are in my arms again—my hands are holding you again—never let it go. I want you to stay, and never go astray again. You know that I love you; I really do, even before you were born. My beloved, let us go back home.

Waving Goodbye

Inasmuch as I hated beginnings, I hated endings more. It is the moment when everything seems to be fading; either rejoicing or weeping; loving or hating. However, ending is always a part of life. It adds color and meaning to life. Moreover, as the saying says, "an ending is a key that opens a new beginning."

Some says the ending is the most memorable part of a story. It summarizes everything. It gives a conclusion to the conflict laid by the start (or sometimes, middle) of the story. It is always THE most awaited moment, and sometimes, the time when the story is rated as an excellent piece of work or a mediocre.

My story was sort of a typical one. I was a teacher by profession, but a learning facilitator by action. I am a friend by almost everyone who I get along with. "Teacher ka talaga..." said one of my most trusted friend. Her reason? I am after the learning of the students who were under my supervision. I'd rather hang out with them outside the classroom because I want to know them more. This profession is not just about teaching the lessons intended to be discussed. Moreover, it is about touching lives and developing these young kids to become the only hope of this dying world.

I am an educator. I always ensure that the students who are under my supervision learn. I am an innovative educator. I always befriend my students so I could also learn from them. I believe every one has a problem. As their "father", I want to know their problems and help them solve it. As their friend, I see to it that there is someone who is willing to listen to their sentiments and someone who is willing to weep with them, when needed. Someone says my way is very unprofessional and unlikely. I say, it is just the way he looked at it. I don't care about how people see or think about me. I know what I am doing is right and just. He said that students would not respect me. I defend respect is not something we demand from somebody. It is supposed to be given freely, gained by those who deserve it. My students, though treat me as their tropa, respect me for being their teacher and "kuya". They believe me and they are very open to me. They shared their stories, and I learned from it. In this setup, they wouldn't doubt asking me questions with regard to anything. With this so-called agreement, I am learning to be firm yet considerate at the same time, and; pushy and helpful amidst of difficulties.

I remembered one of my colleagues [in a school I used to teach in] complained about the noise we made in one of my classroom. I told her to visit me once in a while. She noticed the kids are enjoying our discussion without compromising the learning they had to gain. It has been my principle and my method to make every discussion enjoyable and fun inasmuch as I could possibly do. I am applying this method especially because the subject I am teaching is THE most difficult and the LEAST appreciated. With this way, I can twist the idea that Mathematics is not fun.

However, things just change in a snap of a finger. These uncontrollable variables are just taking their places in the scenario. The problem is getting complicated yet the solution remains simpler. The equation that has been made becomes an inequality. Sadly, the resulting solution becomes illogical. I need to start anew.

It would be hard, ever harder this time, to end this chapter and to start writing a new one. One very helpful reminder I saw online was stated this way:

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or MAKES YOU HAPPY. - Anonymous (emphasis mine)

Yes, it is hard for I am hooked up with things I am doing now. Yes, it is difficult for I have already loved the "life" I am working with out. Indeed, it is not easy to start over again. However, I don't want to sacrifice the happiness I supposed to get from the things I am doing. The happiness I have now is fading. Soon before I knew it, t'was gone. So before that moment to come to pass, I wave my last goodbye. This might be an end, but I am certain this is not THE END. I am still in a long journey. I have to revive the excitement of taking new road and experiencing new adventures.

To every student who happened to be under my supervision, thank you for the lessons you have taught me and for the times we once shared. I hope you wouldn't forget the only thing I always tell you--that living is like solving math problem. It might seem way too difficult, but you can get through it.

Until next time! I do hope for your successes in life!

Goodbye to the Good I

Every one of us is in the journey to fulfilling one’s destiny. Everyone is in search for his worth and for his destiny. Though blurry it may seem, we tried our best to find our own places. Sadly, some failed to fulfill their own destiny before the clock strikes. As for me, I think I have already found my place, and the destiny I am about to fulfill all throughout my stay in this world called life.

 All that I have been doing is to be an agent of goodwill to the community I am into. Not that I want to become a superhero or whatsoever, but, I want everyone to have at least someone to lean on, someone to go to whenever they are in need or whenever they feel the burden laid upon their shoulders gets heavier. I want a world that is filled with so much love and so much compassion with each other. I don’t want a world in which love is not the language spoken by everyone. I don’t want a world where peace is not priceless, where war is so affordable. I am ready to sacrifice my own happiness just to give way to somebody else’s. I am willing to give up my freedom if it means freeing someone. I am willing to embrace death to give life to those who are worthier to live. Why am I doing this? I love the people who I get connected with. I don’t expect something in return with all the sacrifices I have made, been doing and have to do.

However, it breaks my heart every time I am turned down. Maybe I am asking too much? Or maybe I am way too expectant. Maybe I want the people to realize my worth or maybe I am unworthy of their attention. Some friends of mine are always telling me to stop being too kind, and being too selfless. I should also find time for myself, they advised. I find my place in helping people with their problem; I fulfill my self-worth with giving what I can give and doing what I can do for the benefit of others. It is just saddening to know that people do not know how to appreciate every little thing done for their sake.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to change the way I live my life. Yes, I need to change the way I live my life. I am not supposed to live this way. I am not supposed to sacrifice much and gain nothing. Maybe, I need to bury the good me and start living badly. Besides, nobody cares for; nobody loves; nobody thinks about me. I am just nobody in the eyes of those people who I helped before. They just know me whenever they need something. After which, they forget that someone, who is also in need, helped them; someone, who is unloved, loved them; someone, who lacks, had given much; someone, who also gets weary and tired, strengthened them.

To the good me, and to every good thing I have done and I have to do yet, so long. I will be missing the times that I lived the way you taught and lead me. However, I hope I would not regret the decision I am making. No, I will not definitely regret this thing. After all, I have received too much hurt and have done too many sacrifices that I have forgotten who I really am.

To the good me, and to every little good thing I have done and I have to do yet, good bye. This is the end of my goodness and would be the start of something bad. To the good me, and to my life, I am about to embrace the loneliness of being aloof and the sadness of being selfish. I hope I would be happier this time.

- A.K. Gonzales III