Prolonged Agony

Sometime, somehow, you might find yourself in the middle of the darkest night of your life; being left alone, having no one around to help you rise up. Eventually, even the littlest hope you had left you. Sooner than later, the least strength you had was gone. Later than it, you were all alone—alone in the middle of nowhere. All you can do was cry, cry all the tears you had left, cry all the hurts built by the tremendous circumstances that killed your hope. But, even crying did not help you. You knew you needed someone who can really help you. As you look around, there was no one.  The rain poured heavily, then.  You were all alone, experiencing every drop of the furious rain. Soon you thought you were hopeless. Soon you thought you could never pass through this. Soon you thought of killing yourself. However, something hindered you doing so.

Hopeless you were trying to get out of your situation with every way you might think of. Helpless you were trying to get out of the pit you were drowning into, alone.  Weak you were trying to stand and rise up. However, in every attempt you did, you failed. You were doomed, you thought. You were doomed because of your selfish ambitions. You were doomed because of the mumbles in your mind.

You wished to see a light—the littlest light that might revive the hope that was fading. A glimpse of the light you were hoping for was enough to restore your weakening spirit. “Just a glimpse…” you thought, “just a glimpse.” However, even the hope of seeing that glimpse was fading. You even did not have the strength to look for it. The rain was still pouring. It poured heavier, then. The raindrops seemed to be like the stones once thrown to you.

You were condemned. You were condemned because of the incident you never thought would cause you to death. Your filthy deeds led you to condemnation. You thought doing these things were typical. You were wrong. You thought your friends would understand why. You were wrong. They all reviled you. Even those who you thought would understand and ease the pain left you amidst of your most humiliating moments. They all despised you. They were all gone. You were all alone.  The rain started to pour down, then.

All your good deeds were forgotten. All your good works were unable to save you from where you were.  You thought doing this thing and that would suffice your safety. Your own wisdom failed you. Now that you were all alone, you found nothing to do but to weep. Weep until your lost hope revived. But, weeping is of no help. It just added to the vanishing of your strength. You soon regretted all the moments you had wasted doing those filthy things. Soon, you were condemning yourself.

The night was getting deeper; the rain was pouring heavier. The strength you once had been gone totally. You fell asleep.

Even in your dream that night, you were condemning yourself. All the regretful moments were haunting you, then. You tried to run from it. Yes, you were running from it. You were running fast, as fast as you could. You run faster that you had to catch your breath. You got tired of running. You stopped, then, and noticed you were running on the same place. In every time you tried to step your foot forward, you were just standing on the very same ground. You were haunted. The bad memories were flashing before your very eyes. You tried to escape from this nightmare, but you always failed. You had no one to call upon. You only had yourself with you. The darkness that covers you became darker. You can no longer see. You cannot even breathe. You were choking.

You suddenly opened your eyes, catching your breath. You thought you were already dead. You wished to be dead. As you looked around, your eyes captured a light. You thought you were wrong, but as you looked straight toward where the light is coming from, it was becoming brighter. The dead hope inside of you enlivened. You eventually found strength to shout and ask for help. However, you heard no voice. You shouted your lungs out just to call some attention from someone from the light. Your weak body rapidly surrendered from your activity. You lost your consciousness. The rain is still pouring. The night is becoming longer than expected.

Hours later, when you finally recovered from unconsciousness, you felt someone is carrying you. You were hearing someone saying, “Please come home, my beloved. Come home.” You opened your eyes. You saw nothing but a silhouette of a man in a light—very bright light that can almost blind you. Moments later, the blurred image became clearer. You were recognizing who the silhouette was, then.  You are recognizing it was I. The one who is carrying you and the one who is calling you beloved was me. You, then, hugged me back. You are weeping and repenting. Forgiveness comforts you then.

I was looking at you from afar. I really wanted to go near you and give you my hand, but you were always letting it go. You said you could pass through this on your own. From afar, as I watched you suffering, my heart was breaking into million pieces. The moment you admitted you could not do it on your own, was the same moment I ran after you. But you always ran from me. You ran because condemnation was choking you to death. You did not realize I never condemn. I only love.

Now that you are in my arms again—my hands are holding you again—never let it go. I want you to stay, and never go astray again. You know that I love you; I really do, even before you were born. My beloved, let us go back home.

Waving Goodbye

Inasmuch as I hated beginnings, I hated endings more. It is the moment when everything seems to be fading; either rejoicing or weeping; loving or hating. However, ending is always a part of life. It adds color and meaning to life. Moreover, as the saying says, "an ending is a key that opens a new beginning."

Some says the ending is the most memorable part of a story. It summarizes everything. It gives a conclusion to the conflict laid by the start (or sometimes, middle) of the story. It is always THE most awaited moment, and sometimes, the time when the story is rated as an excellent piece of work or a mediocre.

My story was sort of a typical one. I was a teacher by profession, but a learning facilitator by action. I am a friend by almost everyone who I get along with. "Teacher ka talaga..." said one of my most trusted friend. Her reason? I am after the learning of the students who were under my supervision. I'd rather hang out with them outside the classroom because I want to know them more. This profession is not just about teaching the lessons intended to be discussed. Moreover, it is about touching lives and developing these young kids to become the only hope of this dying world.

I am an educator. I always ensure that the students who are under my supervision learn. I am an innovative educator. I always befriend my students so I could also learn from them. I believe every one has a problem. As their "father", I want to know their problems and help them solve it. As their friend, I see to it that there is someone who is willing to listen to their sentiments and someone who is willing to weep with them, when needed. Someone says my way is very unprofessional and unlikely. I say, it is just the way he looked at it. I don't care about how people see or think about me. I know what I am doing is right and just. He said that students would not respect me. I defend respect is not something we demand from somebody. It is supposed to be given freely, gained by those who deserve it. My students, though treat me as their tropa, respect me for being their teacher and "kuya". They believe me and they are very open to me. They shared their stories, and I learned from it. In this setup, they wouldn't doubt asking me questions with regard to anything. With this so-called agreement, I am learning to be firm yet considerate at the same time, and; pushy and helpful amidst of difficulties.

I remembered one of my colleagues [in a school I used to teach in] complained about the noise we made in one of my classroom. I told her to visit me once in a while. She noticed the kids are enjoying our discussion without compromising the learning they had to gain. It has been my principle and my method to make every discussion enjoyable and fun inasmuch as I could possibly do. I am applying this method especially because the subject I am teaching is THE most difficult and the LEAST appreciated. With this way, I can twist the idea that Mathematics is not fun.

However, things just change in a snap of a finger. These uncontrollable variables are just taking their places in the scenario. The problem is getting complicated yet the solution remains simpler. The equation that has been made becomes an inequality. Sadly, the resulting solution becomes illogical. I need to start anew.

It would be hard, ever harder this time, to end this chapter and to start writing a new one. One very helpful reminder I saw online was stated this way:

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or MAKES YOU HAPPY. - Anonymous (emphasis mine)

Yes, it is hard for I am hooked up with things I am doing now. Yes, it is difficult for I have already loved the "life" I am working with out. Indeed, it is not easy to start over again. However, I don't want to sacrifice the happiness I supposed to get from the things I am doing. The happiness I have now is fading. Soon before I knew it, t'was gone. So before that moment to come to pass, I wave my last goodbye. This might be an end, but I am certain this is not THE END. I am still in a long journey. I have to revive the excitement of taking new road and experiencing new adventures.

To every student who happened to be under my supervision, thank you for the lessons you have taught me and for the times we once shared. I hope you wouldn't forget the only thing I always tell you--that living is like solving math problem. It might seem way too difficult, but you can get through it.

Until next time! I do hope for your successes in life!

Goodbye to the Good I

Every one of us is in the journey to fulfilling one’s destiny. Everyone is in search for his worth and for his destiny. Though blurry it may seem, we tried our best to find our own places. Sadly, some failed to fulfill their own destiny before the clock strikes. As for me, I think I have already found my place, and the destiny I am about to fulfill all throughout my stay in this world called life.

 All that I have been doing is to be an agent of goodwill to the community I am into. Not that I want to become a superhero or whatsoever, but, I want everyone to have at least someone to lean on, someone to go to whenever they are in need or whenever they feel the burden laid upon their shoulders gets heavier. I want a world that is filled with so much love and so much compassion with each other. I don’t want a world in which love is not the language spoken by everyone. I don’t want a world where peace is not priceless, where war is so affordable. I am ready to sacrifice my own happiness just to give way to somebody else’s. I am willing to give up my freedom if it means freeing someone. I am willing to embrace death to give life to those who are worthier to live. Why am I doing this? I love the people who I get connected with. I don’t expect something in return with all the sacrifices I have made, been doing and have to do.

However, it breaks my heart every time I am turned down. Maybe I am asking too much? Or maybe I am way too expectant. Maybe I want the people to realize my worth or maybe I am unworthy of their attention. Some friends of mine are always telling me to stop being too kind, and being too selfless. I should also find time for myself, they advised. I find my place in helping people with their problem; I fulfill my self-worth with giving what I can give and doing what I can do for the benefit of others. It is just saddening to know that people do not know how to appreciate every little thing done for their sake.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to change the way I live my life. Yes, I need to change the way I live my life. I am not supposed to live this way. I am not supposed to sacrifice much and gain nothing. Maybe, I need to bury the good me and start living badly. Besides, nobody cares for; nobody loves; nobody thinks about me. I am just nobody in the eyes of those people who I helped before. They just know me whenever they need something. After which, they forget that someone, who is also in need, helped them; someone, who is unloved, loved them; someone, who lacks, had given much; someone, who also gets weary and tired, strengthened them.

To the good me, and to every good thing I have done and I have to do yet, so long. I will be missing the times that I lived the way you taught and lead me. However, I hope I would not regret the decision I am making. No, I will not definitely regret this thing. After all, I have received too much hurt and have done too many sacrifices that I have forgotten who I really am.

To the good me, and to every little good thing I have done and I have to do yet, good bye. This is the end of my goodness and would be the start of something bad. To the good me, and to my life, I am about to embrace the loneliness of being aloof and the sadness of being selfish. I hope I would be happier this time.

- A.K. Gonzales III 

An Open Letter to my Students

Dear Beloved Students,


I am writing this letter not to ask for something you could not do. I am not writing this letter to ask you to remember me and to give me a piece of space in your memory. I am writing this letter to remind everyone of the only thing I want you to learn from our class.

I know you find Mathematics so intangible and unrelated with what you are doing now. I know some find it the most difficult subject and unimportant since you wouldn't use the lessons directly on a regular basis. I know it gives you hard times and, sometimes, tears on your eyes. But, we have no choice but to take it. We have no choice not because it is part of your curriculum and you should pass this subject to proceed to another level. We have no choice because, aside from it teaches us to solve for the values of some variables, it also exposes us to what life might bring into our lives. Moreover, it gives us hope and positivity, if you could only notice it.

Mathematics teaches us life lessons. It prepares us to face the real world we would be living in after graduation. It disciplines us to become a better person. All topics in Mathematics, if I may say that, gives us opportunity not just to learn how to solve for some variables or to look for the solution sets, but also a chance to at least expose ourselves with some uncommonly common life problems we would face in the future. I am not joking. Although Mathematics is intangible and unreal, it views some realistic situations in the real world. Mathematics shows us how to solve problems. It enables us to solve our problems. Remember, there are lots of solutions to come up with that would lead us to one final answer. This means there are lots of ways to solve your problems so long as you arrive at the right answer and the path you would take is logical. Mathematics requires logical mind and analytic thinking ability. If you have neither, that is OK. Mathematics will help you develop these two skills you would be needing in solving the problems you would face.

As your teacher, I don't care whether you get low grades in Mathematics as long as you really learn. Grades are just mere numbers. They do not tell what kind of person you are or what kind of life you would be living for the rest of your life after graduation. They do not direct the path you would be taking. You should bear in mind that Mathematics is not just about numbers. It is about developing the right attitude and a positive outlook in life. Mathematics develops your attitude, which will determine who you are. Yes, it is about having the right attitude on every situation.

It saddens me to know that, just recently, some of you cheated. What would cheating bring about your life? Lies? You wouldn't get any good thing in cheating. Rather, it would lead you into condemnation. I don't know why you have to commit such a great mistake.

My beloved ones, if Mathematics pressures you too much, you could ask for my help. I am not just your teacher, remember? Moreover, I am your friend. I want to help you develop the right attitudes towards life through Mathematics. I don't want you to develop the wrong outlook in life because of this subject. If you did, that would break my heart. It really will! If you find Mathematics a difficult subject, you are deceived. Mathematics is not difficult. I want to help you find Mathematics not a difficult subject, rather it is fun. If you cannot comprehend our lessons, tell me. We can always repeat the discussion or I can provide more examples and more exercises (as how we are doing during our meetings) if it is necessary.

Days are gone so fast. Semester is about to end. Sooner we will be taking our last talks and our last conversations inside our classroom. When this moment comes, I want you to remember that indeed Mathematics helps you become a better you. I love you and I want to help you develop positive attitude towards life.


With Great Love,

Sir JM Casis

Always Listen to That Small Voice

“You must go straight home!” This phrase continued rolling over my head as I was thinking whether to go to Manila that night or not. It was Friday night when a traumatic incident happened to me. Never did I imagine I would be in such hopeless scene that is commonly seen on TV.

                A small yet audible voice that came from somewhere played over my mind. I know, in some point, it was God telling me to go straight home, not to explore or to meet anyone anywhere that night. However, I refused from listening. I just ignored it. In pursuit to having a “break” after a weeklong work, I decided to follow what my flesh wanted to do. I went to Manila with a heavy heart.

                On the trail of taking a ride, the small voice became loud and clearer in my heart. “Go straight home! Go straight home!” it said. I closed my ears from hearing it, however it almost struggle me from within. It just stopped when I arrived to that place.

                It was getting dark when I decided to go home. I was nervous. I never had this feeling before. Someone from nowhere suddenly followed me and captured me from behind. He has a knife straightly pointing to my side. He grabbed me. He asked for my money and phone. In fear I surrendered. He pulled me to a dark side, and got every valuable thing he saw in my bag. I was shaking. I can hardly shout for help. I was in shock. He got my purse, where I put my salary, and my phone. I almost fainted. The moment he ran from me, I gradually recovered. I came to my being by then. I seemed like a crazy boy thinking about the things stole from me. “Yung phone ko. Yung pera ko. Paano ako uuwi? WHaaaaaa….” I cried but no tear fell. I asked God why that thing happened. I almost have given up!

                Suddenly, I was reminded of the small voice telling me to go straight home. I said to myself, if only I listened to it, I might have not be in that awful hopeless situation. If only I went straight home, I should have still my phone and my money with me; I could be safer. I shouted all my lungs out, signaling I wanted to give up. But, God is too merciful! The moment I almost have ended my life by crossing the busy street and letting a car hit me, a man approached me. I was reminded of the SOP. I asked where the nearest Police Station is. He told me the direction. My fading hope suddenly became stronger. I came about the Police Station. All the officers noticed me and asked what happened. They did it without a little condemnation. They comforted me and relaxed my being. I told them the whole story. They quickly contacted other stations and reported what had happened. Thirty minutes had passed; they decided to lead me home. But because of what happened, I was broke. I did not have a single coin in my pocket. They gave me enough money to go home.

                On my way home, I rode an FX so I would at least safer. The driver saw me shaking. He noticed it and told me everything will be fine. I was comforted. I came about home. My mom hugged me and my father patted my back. They asked me what happened. I told them the story while sobbing. That was traumatic! They comforted me.

                My mom told me she also had the feeling to text me and said go home straight. She just didn’t do for she trusted me I would. She said, if only she did that, I would have not experienced such traumatic incident.

                No one wanted that incident to happen. No one wanted me to be such a situation as that. No one has to be blame. However, those if only thoughts keep me haunted of the incident. I can hardly sleep that night. I was traumatized. “Why did it happen to me?” I asked. I never blame God for what had happened. Instead, I asked Him what He wants me to learn. I was at peace when I finally realized that things I supposed to do yet I refused. Yes it’s hard to come to a point it was all my point, but He comforted me through His mercy and grace. He helped me accept I lost a lot of material things. In the same moment, He made me realize He is big enough to replace what I have lost.

                Yes, I lost a big amount of money. Yes, I lost an important thing in my life—my phone. Yes, I almost have given up and ended my life. But, God is too good! He is! Though I refused to listen to Him, He never let anyone hurt me, at least, physically. He never let any worse thing happen to me. I may have lost these things, but I gained an experience and I learned a lesson: ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT SMALL VOICE.

                One thing is for sure; His voice is still audible to those who believe in Him. He is always guiding us to what He wants us to do and to where He wants us to go. We should only have to be sensitive and we should always have to obey Him. Trust Him though the road may seem dark and unsafe. Let Him be the navigator of your journey, rather than the driver. He know what is best for us! He loves us, He really does! 

Pulled Out

Have you ever felt like you are trusted, yet after just one mistake the trust was suddenly gone? Have you been in a place where trust and mistrust meet; where decisions seem to be too tough to make, too risky to have; where you have to take a position and stand on it for a little longer time?  I had. And to tell you honestly, it is difficult.

Being amidst of the crossroads of life seems to be an easy word, yet when experienced, it is not. You have to make a stand whether or not you like to do so. You have to choose which side you’re about to join in, though you would rather choose being in the neutral corner.

Last Friday, this surprising life has stricken me hard. Friday is usually the most tiring day for all the unsettled tasks and unfinished businesses need to be done, in rush. Friday, for me, is the most exciting day wherein I am not doing, or should I say teaching, my comfort subject—Math. I am a Speech Teacher, then. Excitingly I went to school for aside from teaching six grade levels, I was going to be the Grade 1 substitute teacher. Sadly, the day became unfavorable. Some unexpected and unwanted happening took place. The administration received a complaint on the very same day. I admit it is my fault. That made my weekend gloomy. Days after, the admin took some actions with which lead to pulling me out of the class eventually. As for me, it is well; nothing to worry, nothing to feel bad.  An admin staff talked to me about what had happened. I told my side of the story. (Of course, there are many sides of the story.) He, I think, gave me the benefit of the doubt.

The unexpected occurrence taught me things I thought I already knew. The moment I felt tired is the same moment I feel God’s embrace. Yes, though not in a physical realm, He hugged me. The moment I suddenly exploded is the same moment I realized I indeed am a limited creation. Yes, I am limited. I cannot do all things on my own. The very moment I raised my voice is the very moment I reached my limitation. It is when I came to realize my limitation. It when I realized I cannot go beyond it on my own. It is when I realized God’s grace starts when my own will fails me, when my own strength fades, when my own wisdom leave me.

Despite of what had happened, my heart is still filled with thankfulness that God let me went through this path and taught me lessons I can keep for the rest of my life. Though I am pulled out, I know I can push through and will win this race eventually. However, I can only do this with the strength that comes from God.  

Sticky Notes

Ten days have passed since the first day of 2013 came in. It is just about time to have ALL the goals and plans, for this year, finalized complete with the deadlines and steps on how these goals be achieved. As for me, I haven't written one yet. Since 2012 ended, I found myself drowning by tons of works to do. 

I have been practicing writing my TTD's (Things-To-Do) before the week start, and trying to accomplish every task written on it. Unfortunately, I haven't achieved a 100% accomplishment. Well, the typical react would be frustrations. I have been there, and done that. So, as this year has started, I told myself not to take the same road again, and try to look for a "new' old path done by the successful people I know. 

Someone told me, just before this day ends, that what she is doing is write her TTD's on a daily basis, and accomplish everything before the day ends. Insofar, she's successful with it. In the line of our conversation, we see the following pro's of writing TTD's on a daily basis.

• Writing TTD's on a daily basis gives you a shorter list. Therefore, it is a lot easier to accomplish.
• Daily TTD's tells you to properly and accordingly plan your day: what to do when, what comes after, etc.
• Since, you are going to organize you day, there would be no more rooms for biglaang gala.
• You will learn to schedule your plans accordingly, and prioritize the more important ones.
• Daily TTD’s means daily deadlines to meet.
• There would be no more “may bukas pa” excuses since the only deadline you have is end of the day.
• Daily TTD's helps you become more responsible. Yes, by just writing your TTD’s will make you responsible, but having your daily deadlines will make you even more.
• Daily TTD’s means daily accomplishments. The more accomplishments you achieve, the more motivated you become.
• Soon, you would just notice the number of tasks you have done in a long run.

And since, my unwritten goal for this month is to find a way to minimize the number of unfinished businesses, I might as well try doing such—daily TTD’s—and see whether it would be a great help.

As per the moment, I need to grab a pen, take my notebook, and maybe my sticky notes; and write my year-round goal—make my long-time goal list, and start doing my daily TTD’s.