2013: Year of Explorations

  Few hours ago, we literally waved our goodbyes to 2013 and embraced 2014 with joyful hearts. Today, everything will be refreshed—hoping for a good start. Almost everyone is doing such a wonderful review for all the things happened last year. As for me, and for what I have been doing for the past three year now, I am looking back to what happened in my 2013 journey—both good and bad, beneficial or not.

The year 2013 is a year of unexpected achievements, explorations, and discoveries to me. I have achieved things that are not literally included in my 2013 goals. I have explored many things in life that I could possibly consider as good tries. I have discovered some treasures that are considerably priceless. Let me enumerate some of them.

November of 2012, in CCSI, I was assigned to handle the Speech Laboratory classes for the six grade levels. Although it was not really related with my area of specification, the school administrators trusted me with my amateur skill in this course. We agreed to begin the class early the next year. The Speech Lab classes I facilitated were filled with laughter and fun. I enjoyed the experience of being an English teacher, and I think it is when the journey of me majoring in English has started.

It was in January 2013 when I was asked to edit the Graduation script of CCSI. At first, I don’t want to accept this task for several reasons, but since they trusted me a lot, I did. I challenged myself to have the Graduation script written in an untypical manner, quite innovative from the previous scripts they have had. I passed the first draft; they said it’s good and different. I wasn’t satisfied, so I edited the drafts and had I think three more drafts before the final draft was written, proofread, and passed. They were amazed by how the script was written. In effect, they asked me to become the Program Director as well. I never had a chance to direct a big event such as school graduation. I am doing this directing stuff while working as a part-time school administrator (checking students’ profiles, updating their folios, etc.). I was also assigned to layout the student handbook of CCSI. That happened in February to March 2013. My first quarter was filled with unexpected jobs and unexpected experiences.

Unfortunately, I’ve got my first conflict with a colleague during the graduation rehearsal. We had had a misunderstanding during the last day of rehearsal.  I told the teachers that they could change some minor parts in the script, which she didn’t get well (I think). Out of frustration to perfect the event flow and out of tiredness, I yelled at her saying she should not do what she had done. It was a wrong move, yet I only stood in my position as the Program Director. I actually planned not to attend the ceremony, yet the sense of obligation pushed me to do so. We achieved our ultimate goal to make almost everyone in the room cry. The ceremony was filled with intense emotion that was tattooed in everyone’s heart. It was unforgettable.

I resigned from my position as a Math teacher after the graduation not because of the conflict but because I thought I have done my job well and I need to move from Elementary level to a higher level of education, Secondary perhaps. I was officially unemployed for the entire summer, not to mention my summer job in Math Works Tutorial Center which is also one-of-a-kind experience. I worked in MW for two months, I think. That was during the Advance Lectures in Math and for the UPCAT Review we are organizing during summer. I have the chance to contribute in the handbook we used in the Review.

I took the LET last March 2013. Unfortunately, I was hooked up with lots of things to do so I had no time to review. Luckily I passed and I’ve got a high grade. The result was released May 2013. When I had a chance to drop by the PRC, that was sometime in May, I went there. Some strange voice told me not to push through, but I was stubborn. I went there though it is nearly evening. What happened was some big guy followed me through, grabbed me and robbed all my valuables—phone and around P3, 000 cash. I was hopeless. I was helpless. I learned my lesson to always listen to the small voice. Another mishap happened last August 2013, when a group of unidentified people robbed us inside our house. My new phone and new tablet, together with my cash and important ID’s were taken. Luckily, no one in the member of the family was hurt.

When June came, I am still unemployed. I passed my resume to almost every school of my dream. In fact, I was accepted in one school when I applied the month before I resigned. I only pulled my application back for several personal reasons. So I was then praying while waiting. Some phoned me and interviewed me, then either I fell short of the qualifications or I turned the offer down. One day, that was sometime in May 2013, an International School called me and scheduled me for an interview and demo teaching. I agreed. I was known as a Street Smart person, but when I was on my trip to the said school, I got lost. Funny it was, then, and heartbreaking was the fact that I wasn’t able to attend to my schedule and lost another opportunity to work in an International School. I was also become broke, then. On the other hand, my sister sent me an SMS saying STI is scheduling me for an interview and demo teaching. It was June 4, 2013, if I am not mistaken. I expressed my intension to apply right after I arrived home, and waited for the confirmation. I was schedule for an interview the next day and had my demo teaching the day after next. I was hired and was asked to report on June 7. That was the start of my STI journey.

The first semester was okay. I was adjusting from teaching small cute kids to big stubborn childish college students.(kidding on the stubborn part). I get to know some professors: some became my friends, some became my tropa. It was nice to be teaching in collegiate level especially when you are mistakenly identified as one of the students. I enjoyed my first semester. I gained a lot of experience, shared some to my students. These people who happened to become under my supervision become my friends. Well, I consider them friends because this is how I teach. The start of the second semester was quite difficult. I was assigned to teach six Math subjects, which is not advisable. However, I chose to enjoy the months of November and December 2013 just to lighten up the load.

The college week is done during December. It is when the students get the chance to explore things they didn’t try in a formal class. Last year’s college week was different as per the colleagues who are teaching in STI for more than a year. A Faculty Cook-off challenge was organized and I became one of the representatives of our department. We won the third spot. The college week also happened to have a Fashion night. I was invited to become one of the Male Professor models. I accepted the invitation. That was when I became a ramp model for the first time. I didn’t get the title as the Best Mode yet the experience added some spice in my ever adventurous life.

The week after which was the only week when I get to realize what I have and what I have had—the ministry I used to be involved in, the work God wants me to do, the love of my life who happens to be the star which lead me to the manger, the manger and who was in there, the lessons in every up and every down of my life, everything. I had once told 2012 was the year of wandering for me, and now I am telling 2013 is the year of exploration. I explored all throughout the year: gained new experiences, acquired unexpected achievements, unlocked new discoveries, and found the path back to my first love. I believe everything that had happened in the last year has a part in finding who I really am.

Although I wasn’t able to be on top, just like when I am in my younger years; although I wasn’t able to find the people who took away my valuables; although I fell in love and lost in the battle of keeping that love for a longer time; although I stumbled several times along the way; although I have so much pain and hurtful feelings within me; although I lost some of my friends, I know I am stronger now and I know I am mature enough to face the challenges again. It may be hard to begin, but I will start this year with faith in the Almighty One.

I am excited to what awaits me in the journey I am going through this 2014. I will just let Him show me the way and let His hand guide me as I take it.

Prolonged Agony

Sometime, somehow, you might find yourself in the middle of the darkest night of your life; being left alone, having no one around to help you rise up. Eventually, even the littlest hope you had left you. Sooner than later, the least strength you had was gone. Later than it, you were all alone—alone in the middle of nowhere. All you can do was cry, cry all the tears you had left, cry all the hurts built by the tremendous circumstances that killed your hope. But, even crying did not help you. You knew you needed someone who can really help you. As you look around, there was no one.  The rain poured heavily, then.  You were all alone, experiencing every drop of the furious rain. Soon you thought you were hopeless. Soon you thought you could never pass through this. Soon you thought of killing yourself. However, something hindered you doing so.

Hopeless you were trying to get out of your situation with every way you might think of. Helpless you were trying to get out of the pit you were drowning into, alone.  Weak you were trying to stand and rise up. However, in every attempt you did, you failed. You were doomed, you thought. You were doomed because of your selfish ambitions. You were doomed because of the mumbles in your mind.

You wished to see a light—the littlest light that might revive the hope that was fading. A glimpse of the light you were hoping for was enough to restore your weakening spirit. “Just a glimpse…” you thought, “just a glimpse.” However, even the hope of seeing that glimpse was fading. You even did not have the strength to look for it. The rain was still pouring. It poured heavier, then. The raindrops seemed to be like the stones once thrown to you.

You were condemned. You were condemned because of the incident you never thought would cause you to death. Your filthy deeds led you to condemnation. You thought doing these things were typical. You were wrong. You thought your friends would understand why. You were wrong. They all reviled you. Even those who you thought would understand and ease the pain left you amidst of your most humiliating moments. They all despised you. They were all gone. You were all alone.  The rain started to pour down, then.

All your good deeds were forgotten. All your good works were unable to save you from where you were.  You thought doing this thing and that would suffice your safety. Your own wisdom failed you. Now that you were all alone, you found nothing to do but to weep. Weep until your lost hope revived. But, weeping is of no help. It just added to the vanishing of your strength. You soon regretted all the moments you had wasted doing those filthy things. Soon, you were condemning yourself.

The night was getting deeper; the rain was pouring heavier. The strength you once had been gone totally. You fell asleep.

Even in your dream that night, you were condemning yourself. All the regretful moments were haunting you, then. You tried to run from it. Yes, you were running from it. You were running fast, as fast as you could. You run faster that you had to catch your breath. You got tired of running. You stopped, then, and noticed you were running on the same place. In every time you tried to step your foot forward, you were just standing on the very same ground. You were haunted. The bad memories were flashing before your very eyes. You tried to escape from this nightmare, but you always failed. You had no one to call upon. You only had yourself with you. The darkness that covers you became darker. You can no longer see. You cannot even breathe. You were choking.

You suddenly opened your eyes, catching your breath. You thought you were already dead. You wished to be dead. As you looked around, your eyes captured a light. You thought you were wrong, but as you looked straight toward where the light is coming from, it was becoming brighter. The dead hope inside of you enlivened. You eventually found strength to shout and ask for help. However, you heard no voice. You shouted your lungs out just to call some attention from someone from the light. Your weak body rapidly surrendered from your activity. You lost your consciousness. The rain is still pouring. The night is becoming longer than expected.

Hours later, when you finally recovered from unconsciousness, you felt someone is carrying you. You were hearing someone saying, “Please come home, my beloved. Come home.” You opened your eyes. You saw nothing but a silhouette of a man in a light—very bright light that can almost blind you. Moments later, the blurred image became clearer. You were recognizing who the silhouette was, then.  You are recognizing it was I. The one who is carrying you and the one who is calling you beloved was me. You, then, hugged me back. You are weeping and repenting. Forgiveness comforts you then.

I was looking at you from afar. I really wanted to go near you and give you my hand, but you were always letting it go. You said you could pass through this on your own. From afar, as I watched you suffering, my heart was breaking into million pieces. The moment you admitted you could not do it on your own, was the same moment I ran after you. But you always ran from me. You ran because condemnation was choking you to death. You did not realize I never condemn. I only love.

Now that you are in my arms again—my hands are holding you again—never let it go. I want you to stay, and never go astray again. You know that I love you; I really do, even before you were born. My beloved, let us go back home.

Waving Goodbye

Inasmuch as I hated beginnings, I hated endings more. It is the moment when everything seems to be fading; either rejoicing or weeping; loving or hating. However, ending is always a part of life. It adds color and meaning to life. Moreover, as the saying says, "an ending is a key that opens a new beginning."

Some says the ending is the most memorable part of a story. It summarizes everything. It gives a conclusion to the conflict laid by the start (or sometimes, middle) of the story. It is always THE most awaited moment, and sometimes, the time when the story is rated as an excellent piece of work or a mediocre.

My story was sort of a typical one. I was a teacher by profession, but a learning facilitator by action. I am a friend by almost everyone who I get along with. "Teacher ka talaga..." said one of my most trusted friend. Her reason? I am after the learning of the students who were under my supervision. I'd rather hang out with them outside the classroom because I want to know them more. This profession is not just about teaching the lessons intended to be discussed. Moreover, it is about touching lives and developing these young kids to become the only hope of this dying world.

I am an educator. I always ensure that the students who are under my supervision learn. I am an innovative educator. I always befriend my students so I could also learn from them. I believe every one has a problem. As their "father", I want to know their problems and help them solve it. As their friend, I see to it that there is someone who is willing to listen to their sentiments and someone who is willing to weep with them, when needed. Someone says my way is very unprofessional and unlikely. I say, it is just the way he looked at it. I don't care about how people see or think about me. I know what I am doing is right and just. He said that students would not respect me. I defend respect is not something we demand from somebody. It is supposed to be given freely, gained by those who deserve it. My students, though treat me as their tropa, respect me for being their teacher and "kuya". They believe me and they are very open to me. They shared their stories, and I learned from it. In this setup, they wouldn't doubt asking me questions with regard to anything. With this so-called agreement, I am learning to be firm yet considerate at the same time, and; pushy and helpful amidst of difficulties.

I remembered one of my colleagues [in a school I used to teach in] complained about the noise we made in one of my classroom. I told her to visit me once in a while. She noticed the kids are enjoying our discussion without compromising the learning they had to gain. It has been my principle and my method to make every discussion enjoyable and fun inasmuch as I could possibly do. I am applying this method especially because the subject I am teaching is THE most difficult and the LEAST appreciated. With this way, I can twist the idea that Mathematics is not fun.

However, things just change in a snap of a finger. These uncontrollable variables are just taking their places in the scenario. The problem is getting complicated yet the solution remains simpler. The equation that has been made becomes an inequality. Sadly, the resulting solution becomes illogical. I need to start anew.

It would be hard, ever harder this time, to end this chapter and to start writing a new one. One very helpful reminder I saw online was stated this way:

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or MAKES YOU HAPPY. - Anonymous (emphasis mine)

Yes, it is hard for I am hooked up with things I am doing now. Yes, it is difficult for I have already loved the "life" I am working with out. Indeed, it is not easy to start over again. However, I don't want to sacrifice the happiness I supposed to get from the things I am doing. The happiness I have now is fading. Soon before I knew it, t'was gone. So before that moment to come to pass, I wave my last goodbye. This might be an end, but I am certain this is not THE END. I am still in a long journey. I have to revive the excitement of taking new road and experiencing new adventures.

To every student who happened to be under my supervision, thank you for the lessons you have taught me and for the times we once shared. I hope you wouldn't forget the only thing I always tell you--that living is like solving math problem. It might seem way too difficult, but you can get through it.

Until next time! I do hope for your successes in life!