What could have been sadder than celebrating the Father's Day with your Dad inside a box, lifeless? What could be more heartbreaking to see your mom weeping over the loss of her lover? What could be more depressing to witness your siblings crying and feeling helpless with the truth that you lost a father, a friend, a selfless lover, an inspiration, a motivator?
Our world had suddenly crashed when we heard his Doctor said, "gusto po namin sabihin sa inyo na ginawa na po namin ang lahat, pero wala na po talaga," three hours before the day we celebrate the goodness of our fathers. We lost our Dad on the eve of this year's Father's Day.
It was morning of June 19, I was restless, and nervous. I didn't know why, but I had known something bad was about to happen. I always had this feeling whenever some unfavorable event was about to occur. My Mom, who was with Daddy, told me to prepare the things she and dad listed that were going to be brought to the hospital where they were admitted. I went to a nearby grocery to buy the things they asked. While in the grocery, I suddenly felt restless and nervous. I thought something bad might had been happening. When I came home, Mom called in our GC. We already knew something bad was happening. We joined the group call and saw Mom crying. She told us that Dad just had a seizure for the second time that morning alone. The doctors told us that it is not good since the interval between the first and the second seizure is relatively short. They injected some medicine to stabilize Dad's condition. We told Mom to relax, and pray. We asked her to update always. She did. Kuya, being locked down in their company, filed for an emergency exit and was granted. He, and his wife, promised to visit Dad later in the afternoon.
It was around 2 in the afternoon when we received another video call from Mom. When we joined the call, she looked devastated, her eyes swollen due to crying. She told us that Dad wasn't waking up. We saw doctors coming in their room. Suddenly, we heard one doctor asked Mom to go to a side and drop the call. She didn't drop the call. She asked what was happening. A doctor told her they were trying to wake Dad up. Mom wasn't able to hold her phone steadily but we heard her weeping and calling Dad's name. We, in our house, were all crying, shouting and asking Dad to wake up. A doctor urged Mom to drop the call or she'd be asked to step out of the room. She dropped the call. We were weeping, praying that God would extend Dad's life and heal him of his sickness. While praying, we received a message that Dad was pulseless. His doctors were trying to revive him to no avail. He was pronounced dead. We asked for a miracle. We wept to God to do a miracle. It happened. Dad was revived, but was about to be admitted in the ICU. Mom called us and asked us to decide what to do next. We asked his doctor to do everything just to save Dad's life. We all want him to be alive and well. His doctor promised they would do everything. We were relieved.
Kuya visited Mom in the hospital and helped her pack their things since Dad would be admitted in the ICU. He, with his wife, came home later. He told us it was a devastating scenario to see tubes inserted in Dad's body.
Just as we thought everything was at least fine, we received another call from Mom. She was weeping. She was told that while Dad was in the ICU, he had multiple seizures. The doctors were trying to revive him when Mom called. She was not allowed inside the ICU, she was all alone waiting for someone to come out and bring her news. Moments later, a doctor came out and told her they were on the ultimatum. If Dad had another seizure, they would inject the last medicine to stabilize him. However, after that, they would not do another round. While telling us the news, Dad was having seizure. We were advised to expect the worst. It was 8 in the evening. We were advised that only three of us could rush to the hospital to comfort Mom. I told Kuya, his wife, and sister to urgently go. While they were on their way, we received the news that Dad was pronounce dead. We were devastated. My younger brother, my little sister, and I were all weeping. We were told to go to the hospital to at least see Dad for the last moment. I booked a ride going there. I told Mom I won't go since we cannot just leave our house unmanned. While waiting for the ride, two of our Titas were running towards our house, asking what happened. I blankly told them that Dad's gone, and my two siblings were going there. They asked me if I wanted to go, I told them I couldn't. I requested them to go instead, and support my Mom emotionally. I chose to sacrifice going there because I am too emotional that I might pass out.
At home, while waiting, I reminisced my Dad's life and his influence to my being. I recalled all his advices and teachings. I wanted his legacies be alive in me for the rest of my life. Although he left us on eve of Father's Day, I wanted to honor him, hence I wrote a lengthy message and changed my profile picture .
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| Dad and I during our College Graduation, 2012 |
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It took the funeral homes five days before we were allowed to hold a two-day wake for Dad. During the first night, we were asked to recall the good memories we had with him, one child at a time. That was the first time I saw Kuya wept. I told the congregation the kind of a father he was to me, while weeping. I felt shortness of breath, and pain in my chest. I couldn't hold myself together. I thought I would pass out, luckily I didn't.
Daddy loved us differently, in ways he knew we would grow as good citizens. For Kuya, he was an inspiration. Dad inspired him to take his college course and followed his path to becoming a specialist engineer. To me, Daddy was my motivator. Being the second son, and a middle child, I always longed for his approval, and love. It was quite late when I realized his love language was to sarcastically let me feel I was always not enough. To my "twin" sister, he was her protector. He always stayed late, waiting for her to come home. He always asked her her wants; a typical father to his first daughter. To my younger brother, he was his inspiration and a teacher. He taught him things I couldn't do due to some health issues. To our bunso, he was her savior and her provider. To mom, he was her love of her life. Their love story always inspires us (which I would tell in another blog).
During the second night, during the necrological service, the Pastor asked some of the attendees to share one good memories they had with Dad. It was heartfelt to learn that they always considered Dad as their second father, how they always remember him as a caring, loving father. One told her story that she found her place in our family. She was a product of a broken family. She said that whenever she's in our house, she never felt like a stranger. We call her kapatid mula sa ibang pamilya, and that is just fine with her. That is how welcoming our parents are to our friends. Oftentimes, we hosted sleepovers, and that is just okay with our parents, especially Daddy.
We didn't have the grandest funeral rite when we brought Daddy to his grave. He hated grand gestures especially when it was for him. We didn't bother telling people publicly of the interment because of the pandemic, but during the parade, we saw multiple vehicles following ours in the procession. Indeed we knew that Dad was a really a good man. His high school batchmates were not able to attend due to age restriction and safety precautions. Dad was 65 years old.
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During the wake, one of my friends told me, "o, handa ka na ba? Ikaw na tatayong tatay sa inyo, kasi si kuya mo may asawa na kaya ikaw na ang tatay sa inyo." I set that idea aside for a while. I never thought of it because I always had to agree with whatever my siblings' decision. I didn't really have a voice in our house (maybe because of being a middle child?).
I only felt the pressure of being the second tatay when decisions have to be made, and Mom asked me what to do. I wasn't prepared for this kind of pressure. All I am thinking is what Dad would do. I wish Dad was still here to help me make decisions in life.
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Days had passed. We started to accept the fact that Dad had gone. During the 40 day commemoration, one of my Titas told us, "Parang hindi namatay si Kuya no? Hindi mabigat sa pakiramdam yung pagkawala n'ya. Parang nandyan lang sya lagi." Indeed, it was true, as if Daddy only went overseas. We knew for that very moment that Daddy was in a better place already.
Because of the pandemic, we only invited a few friends to commemorate with us. It was heartfelt to learn from them how good a man Dad was. We were assured that Dad had lived his life fully.
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Today marked the second month since he left us. The pain is still there, the longingness and the loneliness were still fresh. We dealt and we moved forward differently, that is certain, but in our hearts his love, his teachings, his advices are always alive.
I am moving forward with hopes that he is in a better place now. I am moving forward with all the lessons I learned from him. I am moving forward, wishing I could become a man as good, as wonderful, as kind as Dad was.
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