The Things I Learned in Trusting

There are times when trusting became a big mistake. There are times when you need to stop trusting not because you are tired of it but because you are saving yourself from brokenness; not because you learned nobody's trustworthy, but because no one would do anything to help you out of what you're undergoing. Some emotions are better left hidden. Some truths are better left unsaid. Not because you are worried about what other people would think about it, but because you know no one cares about it. You have to think about yourself first. Nothing is wrong when you start to prioritize yourself. Learn to shut the door of your heart when needed. Learn to isolate yourself from the world you're living if you must. Self-love is better than masochism. 

It has been my proclivity to always extend my help to those who ask for it. It has been my practice to always be available when my friends need assistance as long as I can, and as far as I could go. I know how difficult it is having no one when you need someone.  I never asked for anything in return. It is my pleasure to always help. (Maybe that is the reason why I was always tagged as kind and generous.) If they give me something in return for whatever I did for them, I accept it; if not, it is fine as well. However, most of the time, those who I helped have given promises that, in effect,  I hold onto. Promises that are kept for a moment and forgotten forever. I know I should have not given all my trust with words. How easy it is to utter words and not mean it! I know I should have not held wholly to it. But, it is my nature to give my trust easily, even without the assurance of having them true to what they have said. I trusted easily. I think it is my weakness that I really cannot overcome. I trust even after knowing that a person is not trustworthy. I trust, even more, hoping that the words and promises will become true, for another chance and the chances thereafter. I don't know why I keep trusting, even if my heart is breaking.

Just recently, for how many times now, I have been broken. I don't know why I always receive false hopes and broken promises when all I ever did was to be true and generous. Is this how my truthfulness and generosity get repaid? I do not need promises that mean something but later become nothing. I do not need words that mean a lot on the surface but shallow in the inside. I need words that are true and will be true whatever happens, even if it seemed difficult to keep. 

I wonder why it seems keeping words and promises a difficult thing to do. I wonder why giving shallow words and breaking promises become a trend these days. Are we not giving our words high importance that we can easily just utter promises that are shallow in the first place? Do we not think that it is more hurtful to receive lies and broken promises than to know that it is impossible, at any cost,  for whatever reason there maybe,  at any chance there would be, for the kindness we gave to be reciprocated?  It is difficult, far more hurtful to learn that the promises made will be broken. It is heartbreaking as well. 

I need to learn my lesson now. It is not a mistake to doubt, and not trust. It is the right time to free myself from broken promises, and never let myself to receive another. It is the right time to move on from it, and move forward with my life. It is rightful to let those promise-breakers do the hard job to have me trust them fully again. I am not closing my doors. Yet. But soon, maybe, I need to learn not to trust again.