Monotonous

Life is but a routine. 
It never changes nor diverts. 
It always seems to circle. 
One time you’re up there. 
The next time you’re down. 
It just circles and circles. 
All seems not to change. 
Nothing seems to be progressing. 
Neither does a thing declining. 
Life is nothing more, perhaps. 
It is nothing less, also. 
It may always get boring. 
Seemingly routinely 
upgrading and downgrading. 
Life is good or bad. 
It’s a matter of choosing. 
You can only choose one. 
Or you can be both. 
Life’s not black or white. 
You may always put colors. 
You may win or lose. 
Sometimes, you may lose more. 
Oftentimes, the winning is rare. 
Maybe that’s what life is. 
Darker than what you expect. 
Sun shines not for you. 
You were doomed and neglected. 
You were nothing but loser. 
You were just nothing, perhaps. 
You were definitely a less. 
You should not exist still. 
You are better got lost. 
That is who you are. 
That is what you are.  

The Effects of Giving False Hopes

"Words are mightier than sword or any other weapon you may think of." Its damage passes through the very soul, leaving an eternal wound that nothing could heal. We may always find uttering words easy, however its effect may linger on forever. Inasmuch as a fish can get caught through its mouth, so does a person through his words. Someone says for you to know the kind of person you are talking to, you just have to listen to how he talks and how he uses words. Words are powerful. It breaks or makes someone's heart. Words are mightiest. It gives power to those who know how to use it. Words are limitless. It may give endless hopes to those who receive. However, some times, words are deceiving. One may tell something, but mean the opposite. Each word that has been said leaves a permanent ink to the heart of those who receive it. It may be an ink of encouragement or an ink of false hopes.

Lately, I came to realize something: people may tell you one thing but mean the other. In the desire of not directly breaking someone's heart, we tend to give them false hopes. However, we may not be aware of the effects these hopes might bring upon. False hopes darken the heart of those these hopes are given. False hopes kill the light. False hopes discourage. False hopes lead to destruction. False hopes break the heart to million pieces. Giving false hopes may cause depression to whoever received it. Giving false hopes may cause heartbreaks and heartaches. Giving false hopes may discourage and make a man a monster in the process. 

I cannot comprehend the reason why it seemed to give false hopes as easy as ABC. Someone just told me maybe because the giver is shy and unable to just reject directly due to timidity. I just cannot think of any logical reason for it. If you cannot do what is asked of you, then just tell them you cannot; not that you would say you'd do but in the end you wouldn't. How difficult is it to just tell the truth even if it hurts the recipient? 

It is saddening to know that giving false hopes is becoming a norm now. Why can we just give a yes for a yes and a no for a no? No maybes, no IDK's. Why can we not be just true to the words we say? Will it make you less of a man if you tell the truth? Will it make you more of a man if you lie? You may not know that at some point, the one you lied to prioritizes you because you give him your words. Why can we not be men of our words, honoring the words we said no matter what or how much it may cost us?

Yes, it is difficult to stand on what we have said. Yes, it is difficult to stand for our truth. However, we should know how fulfilling it is to be true to our words. Let us become the truths in this world full of falsity. Let us become the light in this darkening world. Let us not contribute to the multitude of people lying rather than telling the truths. Let us bring back the solemnity of vows and promises, and the purity of words. Let us become the man who can stand on his words no matter how difficult it may seem. Let us encourage each other not by giving false hopes but by being true to our promises. Let us not drag people down, rather let us push everyone up through the words we utter and the truthfulness that comes along it.  

Broken Cup Of Tea

How lovely it may sound to have someone telling you you are his cup of tea. How lovely it may feel that there is someone who considers you special. How lovely it may see that you are loved. How sweet it is to know that you are a reason someone is smiling today. 

However, not everyone is experiencing to be someone's cup of tea. Not everyone is fortunate to be one. If you were someone's cup of tea, be grateful of that person because you mean a lot.

I was everyone's cup of tea, or so I thought I was. It is not because I showed them some things I am capable of, but maybe because they found in me a rare jewel. I only did what I had to do. I followed what are ought to be followed. I was an epitome of a good follower, then. However, things suddenly fell apart. Everything has changed in a snap of a time. I was unaware of what was happening. Everything's seemed perfect and in order. All I was thinking was things would stay the way they were for a longer time. I was wrong. I was looking for reasons why it happened. It turned out it was me who turned everything upside down. It was me who, instead of making things better, made them worse. Maybe, I was the one who was called to be blamed for what had happened. I don't know.

I am not everyone's cup of tea, since then. That's the truth! I was a jewel on a crown, now a jewel in a drawer. I did my best to win back their hearts, I failed again and again. I do not know now what else I could do to feel loved and feel important. 

I am not someone else's cup of tea. Nobody care to let me know I am theirs. That makes things even worse--I. Am. Not. Someone's. Cup. Of. Tea.

My heart is broken, as it has always been. My spirit's dying as it has always been. I am dead tired. I am tired of trying to win back what had lost. I am tired of trying to move mountains on my own. I am tired of trying to work out what's at hand. Everything's falling apart, and it never has ended. I am losing the grip of all the promises uttered on my ears. I am losing the faith that everything would become better in just a matter of time. Maybe it is time to stop believing that there would be someone who will fight for me, and start living as a loser and accept the fact that I am not qualified to be somebody's cup of tea, even before the beginning of time. Maybe it is time to stop believing I am a precious gem, and start accepting I was just a piece of cheap glass pretending to be a diamond. Maybe it is time to stop everything once and for all. No one even cares to pick up a broken cup of tea, literally. What's more to a person with a broken heart and a dying spirit? Maybe, this is the cue to just let the dirt bury me underneath. Well, anyway, I am of no use to anyone anymore because I am just another broken cup of tea. 

Photo Taken from https://d2v9y0dukr6mq2.cloudfront.net/video/thumbnail/Vv8JUGarg/white-mug-breaks-and-splinter-falls-beside-her_vhgemuqmil__F0004.png

ICU

It is not everyday that a door of opportunity opens. It is not everyday that a path to your dream becomes clearer and easier to take. These moments will lead you to choosing between taking or staying. It may put you in another crossroads of your life: to whether choose the path to your dream or to stay where you are. You have to choose only one path.

It happened to me just recently. I found an advertisement that my dream school has some vacancies. I, by the way, am teaching in a public school. People always utter that being one is beneficial. They missed some points. Anyway, I downloaded the ad, studied it, asked my parents whether they would allow me to give it a try or not, and seek some advice from my trusted colleagues about it. Most of them supported me and pushed me to try. Well, anyway, nothing is lost in trying. I did. I mailed my requirements to the campus that has vacancies. It gave me relief. I silently waited for the notification about the next steps, and perhaps push through it, and see to where it may lead me. Several days had passed, I received no notification. I thought, maybe, my requirements didn't arrive on time. I lost some of my hopes, and somehow prepared that maybe it is not for me, until last Monday. While having my breakfast, I received a text message saying my application was considered. I was invited for the next steps of the application. I was notified that a demo, an examination, and an interview were scheduled in three days time. My heart pumped more blood than normal. The butterflies once again flew in my stomach. I asked for signs to whether I would push through or not. 

Waiting time, since I mailed my requirements, gave me restless spirit and dying happiness. I don't know. All I want was to find peace in whatever I may be doing. All I want was to find happiness in whatever things I may be handling. The moment I read the text message, I doubtfully composed my response to whether I will push through or not. I replied I would go, and asked some information.

For two days, I tried to find peace and happiness. For two days, I prepared for the assigned topic, and sought ways to going there. I was halfheartedly ready as I always am whenever I faced such challenge. For two days, I camped in the crossroads, contemplating whether I would really go or not.

"Choose your battles wisely," as the saying goes. "Everything is worth the risk," as how my friend advised me. I was torn in between. I wanted to push through so I may tell myself I am ready for a bigger task. I wanted to retreat because I am happy where I am at the moment. I weighed the possibilities, something I seldom did. If only these risks come at a low cost, I will always grab every single one. But, no, some come at a high cost, some required even your own happiness.

"You will never know the price to pay, if you will not at least try." That's true. "You may only find answers to your 'what ifs' in trying." That is also true. However, I believe it is still okay to have some mystery remained unsolved. That is what makes life exciting, isn't it? 

The day before the schedule, my heart's been heavy and my mind clouded. I needed to weigh the possibilities. What if I get hired, should I be ready to live alone, a hundred kilometers away from home? What if get the position, would I become happy; would I find happiness in a strange land? What if I was chosen, which would I choose, this dream I once buried long ago or the dream I am living now? Everything's uncertain. Everything's stressing me out. Everything's wiping the peace out.

"Winners never quit, and quitters never win" but only the wise know when to keep fighting and when to step back and retreat, and think of another strategy to win. 

I was always reminded of my long time goals. I always bear in mind that once I get a stable job (which happens to be teaching in a public school), I will apply for a postgraduate course. After gaining my master's degree, I will consider upgrading myself to a more challenging job.

I projected myself living away from home in one year? In two years? In three years? Maybe I can do it, yes, but how will I take my master's degree? Although, there are open universities that offer courses, however should I settle with the program available in OU? I am doubtful.

Could I live far away from the people I love, especially to the one who opens my mind to these possibilities and probabilities? Perhaps, not. No. It is a definite no. 

The night before the schedule, I told my parents of my decision. Maybe this opportunity comes only once in a while, but my readiness of the possibilities doesn't come over the night. It'll take time. I'll take time to adjust, if I have got the job. Anyway, I have a stable job and I am still satisfied with it. If teaching in my dream school was written in my stars, sooner or later I will find myself in a similar crossroads I was in. If not, then I know there is a better plan that is waiting at the end of this road I am taking.

The moment, I finally decided not to push through, peace awakened, happiness found its way back to my being. You may call me quitter, if you want, but this is what I learned in this journey I had in the past few days: ALWAYS CHOOSE THE THINGS THAT BRING HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE. I may earn a higher compensation, yet my heart would always yearn for something any amount wouldn't compensate. I may have one of my dreams finally came true, yet my goal would be at stake. I may become someone however my happiness is compromised. 

To those who expected me to have the bacon brought home, please accept my apologies. Bacon, at this moment, came at a higher cost than expected. I'll bring the whole pig, and let you strip some bacon. Kidding.