One o’clock in the morning, I am
still awake. I can’t sleep not just because of the hot weather condition, but
because I was thinking about the friendship I once have had with you.
Yes, I know it is my fault to
depend on you. Yes, it is wrong to expect something from you: something that
you really cannot give. It hurt me to know that you have turned me down several
times, but it never taught me to give up hoping that one day, some time, you
would give what I asked; you would be with me at last. It never happened
though, and I know it would not!
I got mad at you for turning me
down. I showed you and I made you feel I am indeed angry with you. You were
sorry, you said. I accepted your apologies, though I didn’t feel it. I accepted
it for the very reason I just want to move on. I don’t want another negative
vibe in my life that is filled with negative powers. You were sorry because I
don’t know. Do you want our friendship be back? Are you trying to capture my
trust again? These are the questions flying around the corners of my room.
To tell you the truth, I feel
guilty with letting our friendship sink in the middle of the dark blue sea. It
is not wholly my fault. You have yours. I tried to seal the little hole we had,
but you let it became bigger. The misunderstanding we had—that only us could
settle—became the conflict we have WITH our loved ones. I blame you for sharing
them our problem. I tried to hide it from my side so you could have an image
white as snow, but you just let mine be stained. People kept on asking what
happened on us; if we have problem or whatever. I have no other choice but to
tell my loved ones the whole story. What’s their reaction? Of course, they got
mad and disappointed with you. Inasmuch as I want to wash your image with them,
I can’t. I can’t because I was hurt. I was hurt because you’re inept enough to
tell the world what is happening with us.
At the end of our last
conversation, I tell you I can no longer consider you a friend. Yes, I mean it!
With all the disappointments and all the discouragements you brought to my
life, how could I consider you as one? It is my fault to call you a friend. It
is my fault to choose you a buddy. It is my fault to consider you a best
friend. It is my lament to consider you a brother. It is my biggest regret to
consider you a twin brother. To cope with all these faults, I choose to drop
you out of my list of friends.
It is hard, though. But I
believe it is just right! I treasure all the memories we have done, all the
joys and the tears we have shared, the laughter and the cries, the journeys and
the adventures. I will try to hide my tears so you won’t be asked what happened
after we have talked. I gave you the only item we have both not to mess things
around but to show I am ready to, somehow, walk the path alone.
To you, who give the name “Jem”
to me, thank you and good bye!
WRITTEN: 22 April 2012, 1:05AM
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