Goodbye to the Good I

Every one of us is in the journey to fulfilling one’s destiny. Everyone is in search for his worth and for his destiny. Though blurry it may seem, we tried our best to find our own places. Sadly, some failed to fulfill their own destiny before the clock strikes. As for me, I think I have already found my place, and the destiny I am about to fulfill all throughout my stay in this world called life.

 All that I have been doing is to be an agent of goodwill to the community I am into. Not that I want to become a superhero or whatsoever, but, I want everyone to have at least someone to lean on, someone to go to whenever they are in need or whenever they feel the burden laid upon their shoulders gets heavier. I want a world that is filled with so much love and so much compassion with each other. I don’t want a world in which love is not the language spoken by everyone. I don’t want a world where peace is not priceless, where war is so affordable. I am ready to sacrifice my own happiness just to give way to somebody else’s. I am willing to give up my freedom if it means freeing someone. I am willing to embrace death to give life to those who are worthier to live. Why am I doing this? I love the people who I get connected with. I don’t expect something in return with all the sacrifices I have made, been doing and have to do.

However, it breaks my heart every time I am turned down. Maybe I am asking too much? Or maybe I am way too expectant. Maybe I want the people to realize my worth or maybe I am unworthy of their attention. Some friends of mine are always telling me to stop being too kind, and being too selfless. I should also find time for myself, they advised. I find my place in helping people with their problem; I fulfill my self-worth with giving what I can give and doing what I can do for the benefit of others. It is just saddening to know that people do not know how to appreciate every little thing done for their sake.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to change the way I live my life. Yes, I need to change the way I live my life. I am not supposed to live this way. I am not supposed to sacrifice much and gain nothing. Maybe, I need to bury the good me and start living badly. Besides, nobody cares for; nobody loves; nobody thinks about me. I am just nobody in the eyes of those people who I helped before. They just know me whenever they need something. After which, they forget that someone, who is also in need, helped them; someone, who is unloved, loved them; someone, who lacks, had given much; someone, who also gets weary and tired, strengthened them.

To the good me, and to every good thing I have done and I have to do yet, so long. I will be missing the times that I lived the way you taught and lead me. However, I hope I would not regret the decision I am making. No, I will not definitely regret this thing. After all, I have received too much hurt and have done too many sacrifices that I have forgotten who I really am.

To the good me, and to every little good thing I have done and I have to do yet, good bye. This is the end of my goodness and would be the start of something bad. To the good me, and to my life, I am about to embrace the loneliness of being aloof and the sadness of being selfish. I hope I would be happier this time.

- A.K. Gonzales III 

An Open Letter to my Students

Dear Beloved Students,


I am writing this letter not to ask for something you could not do. I am not writing this letter to ask you to remember me and to give me a piece of space in your memory. I am writing this letter to remind everyone of the only thing I want you to learn from our class.

I know you find Mathematics so intangible and unrelated with what you are doing now. I know some find it the most difficult subject and unimportant since you wouldn't use the lessons directly on a regular basis. I know it gives you hard times and, sometimes, tears on your eyes. But, we have no choice but to take it. We have no choice not because it is part of your curriculum and you should pass this subject to proceed to another level. We have no choice because, aside from it teaches us to solve for the values of some variables, it also exposes us to what life might bring into our lives. Moreover, it gives us hope and positivity, if you could only notice it.

Mathematics teaches us life lessons. It prepares us to face the real world we would be living in after graduation. It disciplines us to become a better person. All topics in Mathematics, if I may say that, gives us opportunity not just to learn how to solve for some variables or to look for the solution sets, but also a chance to at least expose ourselves with some uncommonly common life problems we would face in the future. I am not joking. Although Mathematics is intangible and unreal, it views some realistic situations in the real world. Mathematics shows us how to solve problems. It enables us to solve our problems. Remember, there are lots of solutions to come up with that would lead us to one final answer. This means there are lots of ways to solve your problems so long as you arrive at the right answer and the path you would take is logical. Mathematics requires logical mind and analytic thinking ability. If you have neither, that is OK. Mathematics will help you develop these two skills you would be needing in solving the problems you would face.

As your teacher, I don't care whether you get low grades in Mathematics as long as you really learn. Grades are just mere numbers. They do not tell what kind of person you are or what kind of life you would be living for the rest of your life after graduation. They do not direct the path you would be taking. You should bear in mind that Mathematics is not just about numbers. It is about developing the right attitude and a positive outlook in life. Mathematics develops your attitude, which will determine who you are. Yes, it is about having the right attitude on every situation.

It saddens me to know that, just recently, some of you cheated. What would cheating bring about your life? Lies? You wouldn't get any good thing in cheating. Rather, it would lead you into condemnation. I don't know why you have to commit such a great mistake.

My beloved ones, if Mathematics pressures you too much, you could ask for my help. I am not just your teacher, remember? Moreover, I am your friend. I want to help you develop the right attitudes towards life through Mathematics. I don't want you to develop the wrong outlook in life because of this subject. If you did, that would break my heart. It really will! If you find Mathematics a difficult subject, you are deceived. Mathematics is not difficult. I want to help you find Mathematics not a difficult subject, rather it is fun. If you cannot comprehend our lessons, tell me. We can always repeat the discussion or I can provide more examples and more exercises (as how we are doing during our meetings) if it is necessary.

Days are gone so fast. Semester is about to end. Sooner we will be taking our last talks and our last conversations inside our classroom. When this moment comes, I want you to remember that indeed Mathematics helps you become a better you. I love you and I want to help you develop positive attitude towards life.


With Great Love,

Sir JM Casis

Always Listen to That Small Voice

“You must go straight home!” This phrase continued rolling over my head as I was thinking whether to go to Manila that night or not. It was Friday night when a traumatic incident happened to me. Never did I imagine I would be in such hopeless scene that is commonly seen on TV.

                A small yet audible voice that came from somewhere played over my mind. I know, in some point, it was God telling me to go straight home, not to explore or to meet anyone anywhere that night. However, I refused from listening. I just ignored it. In pursuit to having a “break” after a weeklong work, I decided to follow what my flesh wanted to do. I went to Manila with a heavy heart.

                On the trail of taking a ride, the small voice became loud and clearer in my heart. “Go straight home! Go straight home!” it said. I closed my ears from hearing it, however it almost struggle me from within. It just stopped when I arrived to that place.

                It was getting dark when I decided to go home. I was nervous. I never had this feeling before. Someone from nowhere suddenly followed me and captured me from behind. He has a knife straightly pointing to my side. He grabbed me. He asked for my money and phone. In fear I surrendered. He pulled me to a dark side, and got every valuable thing he saw in my bag. I was shaking. I can hardly shout for help. I was in shock. He got my purse, where I put my salary, and my phone. I almost fainted. The moment he ran from me, I gradually recovered. I came to my being by then. I seemed like a crazy boy thinking about the things stole from me. “Yung phone ko. Yung pera ko. Paano ako uuwi? WHaaaaaa….” I cried but no tear fell. I asked God why that thing happened. I almost have given up!

                Suddenly, I was reminded of the small voice telling me to go straight home. I said to myself, if only I listened to it, I might have not be in that awful hopeless situation. If only I went straight home, I should have still my phone and my money with me; I could be safer. I shouted all my lungs out, signaling I wanted to give up. But, God is too merciful! The moment I almost have ended my life by crossing the busy street and letting a car hit me, a man approached me. I was reminded of the SOP. I asked where the nearest Police Station is. He told me the direction. My fading hope suddenly became stronger. I came about the Police Station. All the officers noticed me and asked what happened. They did it without a little condemnation. They comforted me and relaxed my being. I told them the whole story. They quickly contacted other stations and reported what had happened. Thirty minutes had passed; they decided to lead me home. But because of what happened, I was broke. I did not have a single coin in my pocket. They gave me enough money to go home.

                On my way home, I rode an FX so I would at least safer. The driver saw me shaking. He noticed it and told me everything will be fine. I was comforted. I came about home. My mom hugged me and my father patted my back. They asked me what happened. I told them the story while sobbing. That was traumatic! They comforted me.

                My mom told me she also had the feeling to text me and said go home straight. She just didn’t do for she trusted me I would. She said, if only she did that, I would have not experienced such traumatic incident.

                No one wanted that incident to happen. No one wanted me to be such a situation as that. No one has to be blame. However, those if only thoughts keep me haunted of the incident. I can hardly sleep that night. I was traumatized. “Why did it happen to me?” I asked. I never blame God for what had happened. Instead, I asked Him what He wants me to learn. I was at peace when I finally realized that things I supposed to do yet I refused. Yes it’s hard to come to a point it was all my point, but He comforted me through His mercy and grace. He helped me accept I lost a lot of material things. In the same moment, He made me realize He is big enough to replace what I have lost.

                Yes, I lost a big amount of money. Yes, I lost an important thing in my life—my phone. Yes, I almost have given up and ended my life. But, God is too good! He is! Though I refused to listen to Him, He never let anyone hurt me, at least, physically. He never let any worse thing happen to me. I may have lost these things, but I gained an experience and I learned a lesson: ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT SMALL VOICE.

                One thing is for sure; His voice is still audible to those who believe in Him. He is always guiding us to what He wants us to do and to where He wants us to go. We should only have to be sensitive and we should always have to obey Him. Trust Him though the road may seem dark and unsafe. Let Him be the navigator of your journey, rather than the driver. He know what is best for us! He loves us, He really does! 

Pulled Out

Have you ever felt like you are trusted, yet after just one mistake the trust was suddenly gone? Have you been in a place where trust and mistrust meet; where decisions seem to be too tough to make, too risky to have; where you have to take a position and stand on it for a little longer time?  I had. And to tell you honestly, it is difficult.

Being amidst of the crossroads of life seems to be an easy word, yet when experienced, it is not. You have to make a stand whether or not you like to do so. You have to choose which side you’re about to join in, though you would rather choose being in the neutral corner.

Last Friday, this surprising life has stricken me hard. Friday is usually the most tiring day for all the unsettled tasks and unfinished businesses need to be done, in rush. Friday, for me, is the most exciting day wherein I am not doing, or should I say teaching, my comfort subject—Math. I am a Speech Teacher, then. Excitingly I went to school for aside from teaching six grade levels, I was going to be the Grade 1 substitute teacher. Sadly, the day became unfavorable. Some unexpected and unwanted happening took place. The administration received a complaint on the very same day. I admit it is my fault. That made my weekend gloomy. Days after, the admin took some actions with which lead to pulling me out of the class eventually. As for me, it is well; nothing to worry, nothing to feel bad.  An admin staff talked to me about what had happened. I told my side of the story. (Of course, there are many sides of the story.) He, I think, gave me the benefit of the doubt.

The unexpected occurrence taught me things I thought I already knew. The moment I felt tired is the same moment I feel God’s embrace. Yes, though not in a physical realm, He hugged me. The moment I suddenly exploded is the same moment I realized I indeed am a limited creation. Yes, I am limited. I cannot do all things on my own. The very moment I raised my voice is the very moment I reached my limitation. It is when I came to realize my limitation. It when I realized I cannot go beyond it on my own. It is when I realized God’s grace starts when my own will fails me, when my own strength fades, when my own wisdom leave me.

Despite of what had happened, my heart is still filled with thankfulness that God let me went through this path and taught me lessons I can keep for the rest of my life. Though I am pulled out, I know I can push through and will win this race eventually. However, I can only do this with the strength that comes from God.  

Sticky Notes

Ten days have passed since the first day of 2013 came in. It is just about time to have ALL the goals and plans, for this year, finalized complete with the deadlines and steps on how these goals be achieved. As for me, I haven't written one yet. Since 2012 ended, I found myself drowning by tons of works to do. 

I have been practicing writing my TTD's (Things-To-Do) before the week start, and trying to accomplish every task written on it. Unfortunately, I haven't achieved a 100% accomplishment. Well, the typical react would be frustrations. I have been there, and done that. So, as this year has started, I told myself not to take the same road again, and try to look for a "new' old path done by the successful people I know. 

Someone told me, just before this day ends, that what she is doing is write her TTD's on a daily basis, and accomplish everything before the day ends. Insofar, she's successful with it. In the line of our conversation, we see the following pro's of writing TTD's on a daily basis.

• Writing TTD's on a daily basis gives you a shorter list. Therefore, it is a lot easier to accomplish.
• Daily TTD's tells you to properly and accordingly plan your day: what to do when, what comes after, etc.
• Since, you are going to organize you day, there would be no more rooms for biglaang gala.
• You will learn to schedule your plans accordingly, and prioritize the more important ones.
• Daily TTD’s means daily deadlines to meet.
• There would be no more “may bukas pa” excuses since the only deadline you have is end of the day.
• Daily TTD's helps you become more responsible. Yes, by just writing your TTD’s will make you responsible, but having your daily deadlines will make you even more.
• Daily TTD’s means daily accomplishments. The more accomplishments you achieve, the more motivated you become.
• Soon, you would just notice the number of tasks you have done in a long run.

And since, my unwritten goal for this month is to find a way to minimize the number of unfinished businesses, I might as well try doing such—daily TTD’s—and see whether it would be a great help.

As per the moment, I need to grab a pen, take my notebook, and maybe my sticky notes; and write my year-round goal—make my long-time goal list, and start doing my daily TTD’s.

2012: A Year of Wandering

Page 366 of 366. The last day of the year, on its last hours. They say, it is, well, the loneliest, saddest moments of the year. Ironically, it is also the happiest and the most promising moments when hopes are being renewed, goals and plans are set, and new things are about to come. However, before I totally close this book, let me recall for what happened to me this year.

To start off, let me say this year is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and everything that goes in between. This is not a typical year for me. I have been in a wilderness, not the dark-forest-with-creepy-sound-produced-by-monster-like-animals-unseen wilderness or the plains-with-green-scenery-atop-of-a-peaceful-hill-with-lots-of-wild-flowers-and-sweet-scented-air wilderness. The wilderness I have been through is intangible, unseen yet felt. If I may call it, it is the so-called spiritual wilderness.

Looking at what happened way back 2011, my life isn't well.  That year hasn't ended well also. There were things undone and things unsettled. These things needs settlement early this year, supposedly. However, I chose not to think over these things during the first months of 2012. Instead, I chose to set these issues aside, go on with my life without moving on. I lived my life as if I only live to earn money, spend on the things I love, eat and try the bestsellers of famous restaurants, drink and live well as if I am going to die the next day. Sadly, every night I spent sobbing, brokenhearted with uncertain reasons. Until the day I found out what's missing. I forgot God. No, I chose to forget God during these epic moments of my life. Due to the heartbreaking issues and condemnations put about my being during 2011, I learned to focus my attention on the temporary things, rather than on the eternal. I learned to live my life unfavorably for Him.

Despite of my selfish decisions, still His mercy overflew, overflows, and is overflowing. He gave me reasons to celebrate and reasons to give Him the glory and gratefulness. However, I halfheartedly give Him the glory He deserves. I know this is not right and fair, but my heart is still filled with angst. I just ignored, again.

First quarter has come. The much-awaited moment had to happen. I graduated alas! I miss being my family's pride. I became for this moment. Though I was, I didn't feel it much. Yes, I finally graduated from the most prestigious university, but I graduated without any award. That saddens me most. After graduation, I applied for a work, not to a point of frustrating my self to have one. I was accepted in three schools where I passed my resume. Turned down the first two, and accepted the one in which I think I would learn more. (In this time of my life, compensation is not at my top priorities) I believe, God just put me in this place to learn more about teaching kids and loving them despite of their low scores. I am learning. And, I am thankful for this.

Midyear passed. I am still living my life the way I want it. I worked to earn money; I earned money to spend it luxuriously. In the end, my pocket only had coins. Months later, my parents demanded from me to help out paying bills. In this time the fact that I am working not for my own's sake finally sank in. All I was thinking was I work because I need to support my way of living my own--independent, not asking for my parents' support anymore (only in the means of giving me allowance). I repulsed the idea of me paying our electricity bill considering I seemed like a boarder in our house. The resolution was I'd give them at most half of my gross income and let them spend it the way they want. No repulsion nor problem happened during the first months of implementing this resolution. However, I find it very hard to sustain my "other" expenses. I sacrifice my luxury; decided to spend less. It's hard, but I finally find a way to live this way.

During this months also, some relationships I once lost during 2011 have been restored. One is with my best bestfriend. We've been friends since 2007, and it would be hard for me to stay away from him. I thank the Almighty for restoring our friendship. Though not as how we celebrate our friendship together for almost weekly, we spend quality time together in a monthly basis. That is okay, at least we have regular bonding time.

I think it would be enough to have this one relationship being restored. I am wrong. God told me and reminded me of the people who used to hurt me. He's been telling me to at least reach out for them, forgive them genuinely, and hope for the restoration of the relationship we had. Still I ignore the call. Until one time, a close friend reminded me of how good God is in my life, and how much He wants me to live a life that is God-centered--with no unsettled issues whatever. I was convicted. So, inasmuch as I can, I started reaching for people who hurt me, of course, with His guidance and wisdom.

I experienced a lot of new things during this year. I was invited to judge a singing contest though I wasn't a professional one. I became an MTAP instructor, one of the things I wished I could do since elementary. I taught in Quezon City Science High School for MTAP--another dream come true. I achieved a lot during this year. More than anything else, I am getting into the right track again. It's hard, though, but I finally see the light. I am always thankful to the people who never rested from reminding me how beautiful life is and how awesome His love is.

I started 2012 unwell, but as days went by things are getting good, sooner becoming better. There are a lot more things to thank about in the year that is about to end. When one door closes, another opens. When one year ends, another one starts. I promise I will start my 2013 well.

Happy new year every one!

Lost for Words

It has always been my joy to have adventure going to unfamiliar places. Last Saturday, my friend asked me to go to their place for some personal favor. Unluckily, I am innocent of their place. Fortunately, I love the task and the challenge to get there ALONE. So I was in another quest to unfamiliar place.

Going there is quite an easy assignment. I just have to ride a jeep from my home to FX terminal at SM Fairview; ride FX from SM Fairview to SM North EDSA; another jeep to Munoz, then LRT to Monumento. (Whew, so easy!) I chose this path, though more expansive than some other suggested ways because I am more familiar with what to ride where. From there, I needed to go to a mall so-called Victory Mall, then looked for the Mcdo branch in there. Upon arriving at the Monumento Terminal of LRT 1, I noticed how creepy and how crowded the place is. Creepy in a sense that just across the street is the Ever Grand Central Mall, and along the side of the street where I was walking are the street vendors and lots of bystanders. Due to my demophobia, the excitement I had faded, and the uneasiness started to take place. It always happens whenever I go to crowded places.

I came in to our meeting place five minutes earlier. He said he would be late. So, instead of staying, I decided to roam around the mall to see what's in it. All I was seeing were people going to and fro, vendors of different goods inviting people to check in their products and probably, deceive them to buy some; "concerned" persons who constantly reminding the shoppers to keep their eyes on their valuables for snatchers are just around the corner; and, of course, the number of bystanders inside the mall. The uneasiness I feel gets too strong for me to become irritated and agitated. I decided to go to a food chain and stay there until he arrived. Of course, with due respect to the food chain, I ordered some drinks to have a "pass". Sadly, I only have big bills in my pocket in which the counter didn't accept. She aggravated the uneasiness I have. I still stayed inside and waited for his arrival. One hour after, he arrived. We left the food chain with some unfavorable memoirs. I asked if we can wander around the mall and look for some amusement/ entertainment area to unleash my uneasiness. We found one, but instead of giving me some relaxation, it worsen my feeling. To at least give myself some air to breath, I asked him to accompany me to an isolated area. There, I gave what he asked for and decided to move out of the mall and go home.

The crowd gets bigger as we went outside the mall. It's dark, and the place became creepier. I don't know how I can get home from there since I am undecided whether to take the same route I took or to challenge myself to try new path. All I was thinking was I need to get into a PUV which is not too crowded. I cannot take a bus ride since it's dark and everyone was going home. So, instead of going to a new journey, I took the same path.

From LRT Monumento Station to Roosevelt Station, I was staring outside, getting myself familiar with the landmarks and buildings. I came about Roosevelt Station just in time before it got darker. From there, I needed to take a ride to SM North EDSA. Upon walking down the footbridge, I saw a father, carrying his weak and sick son, sobbing and asking for some help. I wanted to give him some of my coins, but I was thinking he needs more than that. Despite of the tragic scene pictured right in front of me, I still walked through them, with a heart breaking into million pieces. "I need to go. I need to go. I need to go." these statement rolled in my mind as I rushed into a bus and had my second ride. However, before I got into the bus, I saw a boy sleeping in a corner, thin and had nothing, holding a plastic cup silently asking for some alms. My heart was then pounded to dust.

Arriving at the SM North EDSA, the father-and-son picture still stocked in my mind. I walked over the footbridge, waving this scene out of my mind. I was discouraged when I saw the crowd fell in line to get a ride to SM Fairview. What I did was to go inside SMNE and kill some time by wandering around until I met a friend who asked me to join her journey to finding a planner. We went from one stall to another, until we finally found a planner just fit for her. The sadness I felt for the sobbing father suddenly gone.

When I got home, all I was thinking is the lessons I learned in my one-day-lost-for-words journey. Yes, I almost lost some words to describe what is going on. First the journey is so tiring that I almost gave up trying. Yet, the urge to help my friend pushed me to give a little more effort. And, yes, I did! The uneasiness I felt almost killed me from the inside out. It choked me and the patience to wait for him. The crowd and the fear about losing something caused me to almost quitting. The sobbing father and the young kid reminds me how blessed I am having enough food to eat, and a healthy body. The traffic and the long line saying life is never an easy road. My friend who I accompanied with tells someone, in the middle of misfortune, will surprise you in one way or another. And a lot more.

More than anything, the place we I went put me into my being. Its impression tells something that I almost forget--simplicity. The people there, though the place isn't great, learn to appreciate things and enjoy what life brings about. Inside the amusement center, people are busy playing and enjoying with their things put just in a corner near them. They ignore the fact that anytime, their valuables might be stolen. On one game, someone who played after me, smiled at me first, probably saying, thank you for giving me a chance to play and good luck for the next game. It is a total odd thing for me to receive a smile for a totally stranger, yet his smile gave me an assurance of nothing to fear and nothing to hide for. Everyone inside the room enjoy playing unconsciously, one thing I didn't feel when I am in an amusement center nearby. Their life is simple and they are contented with it.

The journey I had is never an incident. Every little thing I encountered gives me some lesson I definitely didn't learn inside the classroom. I just hope everything would be fine with the sobbing father and his son.