Pulled Out

Have you ever felt like you are trusted, yet after just one mistake the trust was suddenly gone? Have you been in a place where trust and mistrust meet; where decisions seem to be too tough to make, too risky to have; where you have to take a position and stand on it for a little longer time?  I had. And to tell you honestly, it is difficult.

Being amidst of the crossroads of life seems to be an easy word, yet when experienced, it is not. You have to make a stand whether or not you like to do so. You have to choose which side you’re about to join in, though you would rather choose being in the neutral corner.

Last Friday, this surprising life has stricken me hard. Friday is usually the most tiring day for all the unsettled tasks and unfinished businesses need to be done, in rush. Friday, for me, is the most exciting day wherein I am not doing, or should I say teaching, my comfort subject—Math. I am a Speech Teacher, then. Excitingly I went to school for aside from teaching six grade levels, I was going to be the Grade 1 substitute teacher. Sadly, the day became unfavorable. Some unexpected and unwanted happening took place. The administration received a complaint on the very same day. I admit it is my fault. That made my weekend gloomy. Days after, the admin took some actions with which lead to pulling me out of the class eventually. As for me, it is well; nothing to worry, nothing to feel bad.  An admin staff talked to me about what had happened. I told my side of the story. (Of course, there are many sides of the story.) He, I think, gave me the benefit of the doubt.

The unexpected occurrence taught me things I thought I already knew. The moment I felt tired is the same moment I feel God’s embrace. Yes, though not in a physical realm, He hugged me. The moment I suddenly exploded is the same moment I realized I indeed am a limited creation. Yes, I am limited. I cannot do all things on my own. The very moment I raised my voice is the very moment I reached my limitation. It is when I came to realize my limitation. It when I realized I cannot go beyond it on my own. It is when I realized God’s grace starts when my own will fails me, when my own strength fades, when my own wisdom leave me.

Despite of what had happened, my heart is still filled with thankfulness that God let me went through this path and taught me lessons I can keep for the rest of my life. Though I am pulled out, I know I can push through and will win this race eventually. However, I can only do this with the strength that comes from God.  

Sticky Notes

Ten days have passed since the first day of 2013 came in. It is just about time to have ALL the goals and plans, for this year, finalized complete with the deadlines and steps on how these goals be achieved. As for me, I haven't written one yet. Since 2012 ended, I found myself drowning by tons of works to do. 

I have been practicing writing my TTD's (Things-To-Do) before the week start, and trying to accomplish every task written on it. Unfortunately, I haven't achieved a 100% accomplishment. Well, the typical react would be frustrations. I have been there, and done that. So, as this year has started, I told myself not to take the same road again, and try to look for a "new' old path done by the successful people I know. 

Someone told me, just before this day ends, that what she is doing is write her TTD's on a daily basis, and accomplish everything before the day ends. Insofar, she's successful with it. In the line of our conversation, we see the following pro's of writing TTD's on a daily basis.

• Writing TTD's on a daily basis gives you a shorter list. Therefore, it is a lot easier to accomplish.
• Daily TTD's tells you to properly and accordingly plan your day: what to do when, what comes after, etc.
• Since, you are going to organize you day, there would be no more rooms for biglaang gala.
• You will learn to schedule your plans accordingly, and prioritize the more important ones.
• Daily TTD’s means daily deadlines to meet.
• There would be no more “may bukas pa” excuses since the only deadline you have is end of the day.
• Daily TTD's helps you become more responsible. Yes, by just writing your TTD’s will make you responsible, but having your daily deadlines will make you even more.
• Daily TTD’s means daily accomplishments. The more accomplishments you achieve, the more motivated you become.
• Soon, you would just notice the number of tasks you have done in a long run.

And since, my unwritten goal for this month is to find a way to minimize the number of unfinished businesses, I might as well try doing such—daily TTD’s—and see whether it would be a great help.

As per the moment, I need to grab a pen, take my notebook, and maybe my sticky notes; and write my year-round goal—make my long-time goal list, and start doing my daily TTD’s.

2012: A Year of Wandering

Page 366 of 366. The last day of the year, on its last hours. They say, it is, well, the loneliest, saddest moments of the year. Ironically, it is also the happiest and the most promising moments when hopes are being renewed, goals and plans are set, and new things are about to come. However, before I totally close this book, let me recall for what happened to me this year.

To start off, let me say this year is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and everything that goes in between. This is not a typical year for me. I have been in a wilderness, not the dark-forest-with-creepy-sound-produced-by-monster-like-animals-unseen wilderness or the plains-with-green-scenery-atop-of-a-peaceful-hill-with-lots-of-wild-flowers-and-sweet-scented-air wilderness. The wilderness I have been through is intangible, unseen yet felt. If I may call it, it is the so-called spiritual wilderness.

Looking at what happened way back 2011, my life isn't well.  That year hasn't ended well also. There were things undone and things unsettled. These things needs settlement early this year, supposedly. However, I chose not to think over these things during the first months of 2012. Instead, I chose to set these issues aside, go on with my life without moving on. I lived my life as if I only live to earn money, spend on the things I love, eat and try the bestsellers of famous restaurants, drink and live well as if I am going to die the next day. Sadly, every night I spent sobbing, brokenhearted with uncertain reasons. Until the day I found out what's missing. I forgot God. No, I chose to forget God during these epic moments of my life. Due to the heartbreaking issues and condemnations put about my being during 2011, I learned to focus my attention on the temporary things, rather than on the eternal. I learned to live my life unfavorably for Him.

Despite of my selfish decisions, still His mercy overflew, overflows, and is overflowing. He gave me reasons to celebrate and reasons to give Him the glory and gratefulness. However, I halfheartedly give Him the glory He deserves. I know this is not right and fair, but my heart is still filled with angst. I just ignored, again.

First quarter has come. The much-awaited moment had to happen. I graduated alas! I miss being my family's pride. I became for this moment. Though I was, I didn't feel it much. Yes, I finally graduated from the most prestigious university, but I graduated without any award. That saddens me most. After graduation, I applied for a work, not to a point of frustrating my self to have one. I was accepted in three schools where I passed my resume. Turned down the first two, and accepted the one in which I think I would learn more. (In this time of my life, compensation is not at my top priorities) I believe, God just put me in this place to learn more about teaching kids and loving them despite of their low scores. I am learning. And, I am thankful for this.

Midyear passed. I am still living my life the way I want it. I worked to earn money; I earned money to spend it luxuriously. In the end, my pocket only had coins. Months later, my parents demanded from me to help out paying bills. In this time the fact that I am working not for my own's sake finally sank in. All I was thinking was I work because I need to support my way of living my own--independent, not asking for my parents' support anymore (only in the means of giving me allowance). I repulsed the idea of me paying our electricity bill considering I seemed like a boarder in our house. The resolution was I'd give them at most half of my gross income and let them spend it the way they want. No repulsion nor problem happened during the first months of implementing this resolution. However, I find it very hard to sustain my "other" expenses. I sacrifice my luxury; decided to spend less. It's hard, but I finally find a way to live this way.

During this months also, some relationships I once lost during 2011 have been restored. One is with my best bestfriend. We've been friends since 2007, and it would be hard for me to stay away from him. I thank the Almighty for restoring our friendship. Though not as how we celebrate our friendship together for almost weekly, we spend quality time together in a monthly basis. That is okay, at least we have regular bonding time.

I think it would be enough to have this one relationship being restored. I am wrong. God told me and reminded me of the people who used to hurt me. He's been telling me to at least reach out for them, forgive them genuinely, and hope for the restoration of the relationship we had. Still I ignore the call. Until one time, a close friend reminded me of how good God is in my life, and how much He wants me to live a life that is God-centered--with no unsettled issues whatever. I was convicted. So, inasmuch as I can, I started reaching for people who hurt me, of course, with His guidance and wisdom.

I experienced a lot of new things during this year. I was invited to judge a singing contest though I wasn't a professional one. I became an MTAP instructor, one of the things I wished I could do since elementary. I taught in Quezon City Science High School for MTAP--another dream come true. I achieved a lot during this year. More than anything else, I am getting into the right track again. It's hard, though, but I finally see the light. I am always thankful to the people who never rested from reminding me how beautiful life is and how awesome His love is.

I started 2012 unwell, but as days went by things are getting good, sooner becoming better. There are a lot more things to thank about in the year that is about to end. When one door closes, another opens. When one year ends, another one starts. I promise I will start my 2013 well.

Happy new year every one!

Lost for Words

It has always been my joy to have adventure going to unfamiliar places. Last Saturday, my friend asked me to go to their place for some personal favor. Unluckily, I am innocent of their place. Fortunately, I love the task and the challenge to get there ALONE. So I was in another quest to unfamiliar place.

Going there is quite an easy assignment. I just have to ride a jeep from my home to FX terminal at SM Fairview; ride FX from SM Fairview to SM North EDSA; another jeep to Munoz, then LRT to Monumento. (Whew, so easy!) I chose this path, though more expansive than some other suggested ways because I am more familiar with what to ride where. From there, I needed to go to a mall so-called Victory Mall, then looked for the Mcdo branch in there. Upon arriving at the Monumento Terminal of LRT 1, I noticed how creepy and how crowded the place is. Creepy in a sense that just across the street is the Ever Grand Central Mall, and along the side of the street where I was walking are the street vendors and lots of bystanders. Due to my demophobia, the excitement I had faded, and the uneasiness started to take place. It always happens whenever I go to crowded places.

I came in to our meeting place five minutes earlier. He said he would be late. So, instead of staying, I decided to roam around the mall to see what's in it. All I was seeing were people going to and fro, vendors of different goods inviting people to check in their products and probably, deceive them to buy some; "concerned" persons who constantly reminding the shoppers to keep their eyes on their valuables for snatchers are just around the corner; and, of course, the number of bystanders inside the mall. The uneasiness I feel gets too strong for me to become irritated and agitated. I decided to go to a food chain and stay there until he arrived. Of course, with due respect to the food chain, I ordered some drinks to have a "pass". Sadly, I only have big bills in my pocket in which the counter didn't accept. She aggravated the uneasiness I have. I still stayed inside and waited for his arrival. One hour after, he arrived. We left the food chain with some unfavorable memoirs. I asked if we can wander around the mall and look for some amusement/ entertainment area to unleash my uneasiness. We found one, but instead of giving me some relaxation, it worsen my feeling. To at least give myself some air to breath, I asked him to accompany me to an isolated area. There, I gave what he asked for and decided to move out of the mall and go home.

The crowd gets bigger as we went outside the mall. It's dark, and the place became creepier. I don't know how I can get home from there since I am undecided whether to take the same route I took or to challenge myself to try new path. All I was thinking was I need to get into a PUV which is not too crowded. I cannot take a bus ride since it's dark and everyone was going home. So, instead of going to a new journey, I took the same path.

From LRT Monumento Station to Roosevelt Station, I was staring outside, getting myself familiar with the landmarks and buildings. I came about Roosevelt Station just in time before it got darker. From there, I needed to take a ride to SM North EDSA. Upon walking down the footbridge, I saw a father, carrying his weak and sick son, sobbing and asking for some help. I wanted to give him some of my coins, but I was thinking he needs more than that. Despite of the tragic scene pictured right in front of me, I still walked through them, with a heart breaking into million pieces. "I need to go. I need to go. I need to go." these statement rolled in my mind as I rushed into a bus and had my second ride. However, before I got into the bus, I saw a boy sleeping in a corner, thin and had nothing, holding a plastic cup silently asking for some alms. My heart was then pounded to dust.

Arriving at the SM North EDSA, the father-and-son picture still stocked in my mind. I walked over the footbridge, waving this scene out of my mind. I was discouraged when I saw the crowd fell in line to get a ride to SM Fairview. What I did was to go inside SMNE and kill some time by wandering around until I met a friend who asked me to join her journey to finding a planner. We went from one stall to another, until we finally found a planner just fit for her. The sadness I felt for the sobbing father suddenly gone.

When I got home, all I was thinking is the lessons I learned in my one-day-lost-for-words journey. Yes, I almost lost some words to describe what is going on. First the journey is so tiring that I almost gave up trying. Yet, the urge to help my friend pushed me to give a little more effort. And, yes, I did! The uneasiness I felt almost killed me from the inside out. It choked me and the patience to wait for him. The crowd and the fear about losing something caused me to almost quitting. The sobbing father and the young kid reminds me how blessed I am having enough food to eat, and a healthy body. The traffic and the long line saying life is never an easy road. My friend who I accompanied with tells someone, in the middle of misfortune, will surprise you in one way or another. And a lot more.

More than anything, the place we I went put me into my being. Its impression tells something that I almost forget--simplicity. The people there, though the place isn't great, learn to appreciate things and enjoy what life brings about. Inside the amusement center, people are busy playing and enjoying with their things put just in a corner near them. They ignore the fact that anytime, their valuables might be stolen. On one game, someone who played after me, smiled at me first, probably saying, thank you for giving me a chance to play and good luck for the next game. It is a total odd thing for me to receive a smile for a totally stranger, yet his smile gave me an assurance of nothing to fear and nothing to hide for. Everyone inside the room enjoy playing unconsciously, one thing I didn't feel when I am in an amusement center nearby. Their life is simple and they are contented with it.

The journey I had is never an incident. Every little thing I encountered gives me some lesson I definitely didn't learn inside the classroom. I just hope everything would be fine with the sobbing father and his son.

Strive to Live

There are stories when a man, who is dying, gain just enough strength to retrieve and strive to live. We have much of those inspirational stories that are truly heartfelt and motivating. We also have stories when suddenly a man, who lost all the push to live, finds a reason to continue with this journey called life. We have much of those that it is almost going to be a cliche. Seriously, I find those stories typical and lame to give me extra strength to look beyond what is laid; to walk an extra mile; to do things beyond what is expected.

I have so much knowledge about what to do on a right time at the right place. What I am lacking is the push to do those things. Actually, I find this problem very typical when it comes to people who was expected to do and give their best without given much love and attention. In my unofficial study, people tend to seek for acceptance and love. Once found, every thing may fall into right place. The downfall is quite risky. When a certain person was unable to find acceptance and love, he tends to be suicidal. The latter happened to me. I am a seeker. I seek for acceptance and love I once lost along the way. I found nothing. And here comes the idea to end my life that way. I lost the appetite to continue with this "nightmare" and move on with another nightmare. My principle and this idea wrestled for quite a long time until something unusual happens.

We have a pet cat whose name is Fuji. Actually, she's adopted. My sister saw her along a sidewalk and took her home. At first, we are not into adopting another cat since we have Black Tiger. But, then again, she insisted to adopt Fuji. We have nothing to do but to give in with what she wanted. Fuji is weak when we adopted her. We thought her life wouldn't last long. It happened Fuji got sick that made her numb. She almost die. She used to just drop her body whereever her strength failed her to bring herself to her bed. Yes, Fuji has a bed. My sister, because of her love for Fuji, prepared a bed for her. Blezi, my sister, never left Fuji alone. She tend to give her water whenever Fuji needs to drink; food whenever shes hungry. I felt the love of my sister for her dying pet. Suddenly, it seemed like magic. Fuji regained her strength and stood as if she had no sick. It doesn't just stop there. It happens for the third time now. 

The love of my sister for her pet gives Fuji the reason to live and strive to live longer. It seems like Fuji finds her strength in my sister. Her undying love for her pet shows that love gives us reason to live and keeps us going. early this day, I was observing Fuji as how she struggled for her life. I told her if she's tired and wants to rest, she's free to do so. However, her actions told me she wants to live longer--that though it is hard for her, she wants to live for my sister and for us as well. If only she could speak a word, maybe this is what she's going to tell me: "I found reason to live, so why should I surrender easily with this sickness? Your sister's love for me is enough to motivate me to keep going. Yes, it is hard, but I know I can get through it. I have won this battle twice, I know I can do it once again." 

This brings me to my being. This pet has a reason to live. She strives for life though it is hard because she knows someone out there loves her ultimately. She pinched my heart with her low voice and  stuttering response. I almost cry, seriously. Why did I want to end my life this way though I know somebody out there loves me and loves me very much? Sometimes, we only need somebody (or something) to remind us of what life is all about. Sometimes, even the littlest things in life show us that there is something more in life that are yet to rediscover. Fuji motivates me to keep going. My principle that life is meant for Him, not for me. It is not about me, it is about Him, ALL about Him. 

I thank Him for giving Fuji and for keeping her alive. I pray she'd be fine soon. I know she will.

Headbutt With Reality

So I was sitting on the edge of the reality, that made me think over and over again about the decision I have done several months ago. I was overwhelmed with how UP can bring me to some avenues I, myself, could not even imagine I might go to. It is hard to quench yourself with the reality that really sucks and really, if I may consider, regretful.

Six years. I spent six years in UP. Yes, I am proud of it not because I spent longer time than I supposed to, but because during that span of time I learned things I think I couldn't learn outside. 

I was hooked up with the "ultimate" freedom we, Isko and Iska, enjoyed whenever we are inside the campus. I enjoyed it and was captured wholly by it. Never did I realize, UP is not the real world. UP, if I could say, is the ideal world where people experience things in the time frame they choose for themselves--no deadlines, no limitations. We can choose the courses we want to enroll at, and we can choose when we will take it. 

After graduation came the fact that I have to step out of the world I was once in and face the real world I am about to be in. Supposedly I should have enough preparation to face it, but I failed. Up to this very moment, I am longing to the UP experiences I have done. Well, they said, it is a norm for a UP grad to experience such. "Graduation / Separation Anxiety," they said. Whatever it may be, I am convicted to have it.

Now that all I have were memories of my UP life, I need to move forward and face the fact that I am now living in the real world where chances are not always fair and the road to success is not always smooth. Yes, it is hard but same as how I survived UP life, I know I can survive it all.

Me as a Counselor

It has been a routine that every time I enter my Grade 5 room, they always tell something happened wrong. One time, I saw a kid crying because he is bullied. Another, they asked they haven't had their recess yet. What an experience is it, right. However, despite of all the commotions happened before our Math time, there is this boy who always ask for my hand and "bless" me. He is always greeting me with a smile. Because of his instigation, almost all of his classmates do the same.

Unfortunately, yesterday everything seemed to be uneasy. The boy who is asking and greeting me with a smile greeted me with his teeth gnashing in anger and his fist closed as if he was going to hit somebody's face. I asked what happened. Of course, angles of stories arisen as everyone told his insight of what REALLY happened. I, being a teacher, don't want to start with our lesson with unsettled issues. So, instead of reviewing them for their upcoming exam, I used my time to hear and know what really happened. So, I asked them one by one of their side of the story. I weaved their insights and formulated the whole story. (Of course, I won't disclose what really happened.) I was astonished to what I heard. So, in my position, I asked those who are involved to stay inside their room so I may talk to them privately and rebuke them. I was not satisfied with what I did, so I asked those who started the commotion to have a talk with me, individually. 

The first one, I asked why he mentioned that thing. He said, he just want to add something to burst the issue being built up. I rebuke him and asked him to stop researching about that thing. He promised me he'll do.

The second one was different and a bit intense. I heard a lot about his misconduct. He was always the mastermind of teasing and noise inside their room. When I asked where he got the idea he has raised up, he said on their vicinity. I continuously asked him some questions until I got the very root of the problem--FAMILY.

He shared his problems with his family. All I thought was he gets all the attention of his family since he is the youngest. And that is why he wants to get all the attention in school.  It is a very different story. His father beats him whenever he gets low grades; his mother shouts at him and mocks him for not being an achiever as his other siblings; his ate always pressures him to be perfect; he feels unloved and unnoticed. While he is telling me his story, he is weeping. 

At the back of my mind, I said, "Oh no, what have I done?" But then, I realized it is supposed to happen that way for me to know the reason behind his misbehavior. I finally understand him. It is only when we listen, we understand things clearly. I tell him that if he doesn't feel his parents love him, I love him as my child (though I haven't had one yet). I also assure him that whenever he feels sad and he wants someone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen to his every story. 

The people who supposed to be his refuge and resting arms become now the thorns that hurt his young heart very severely. It saddens me ultimately. But then again, I have nothing to do but to help him out of the sea of pressure he is in, by believing in his potential and guiding him to be the best child he could be.