Headbutt With Reality

So I was sitting on the edge of the reality, that made me think over and over again about the decision I have done several months ago. I was overwhelmed with how UP can bring me to some avenues I, myself, could not even imagine I might go to. It is hard to quench yourself with the reality that really sucks and really, if I may consider, regretful.

Six years. I spent six years in UP. Yes, I am proud of it not because I spent longer time than I supposed to, but because during that span of time I learned things I think I couldn't learn outside. 

I was hooked up with the "ultimate" freedom we, Isko and Iska, enjoyed whenever we are inside the campus. I enjoyed it and was captured wholly by it. Never did I realize, UP is not the real world. UP, if I could say, is the ideal world where people experience things in the time frame they choose for themselves--no deadlines, no limitations. We can choose the courses we want to enroll at, and we can choose when we will take it. 

After graduation came the fact that I have to step out of the world I was once in and face the real world I am about to be in. Supposedly I should have enough preparation to face it, but I failed. Up to this very moment, I am longing to the UP experiences I have done. Well, they said, it is a norm for a UP grad to experience such. "Graduation / Separation Anxiety," they said. Whatever it may be, I am convicted to have it.

Now that all I have were memories of my UP life, I need to move forward and face the fact that I am now living in the real world where chances are not always fair and the road to success is not always smooth. Yes, it is hard but same as how I survived UP life, I know I can survive it all.

Me as a Counselor

It has been a routine that every time I enter my Grade 5 room, they always tell something happened wrong. One time, I saw a kid crying because he is bullied. Another, they asked they haven't had their recess yet. What an experience is it, right. However, despite of all the commotions happened before our Math time, there is this boy who always ask for my hand and "bless" me. He is always greeting me with a smile. Because of his instigation, almost all of his classmates do the same.

Unfortunately, yesterday everything seemed to be uneasy. The boy who is asking and greeting me with a smile greeted me with his teeth gnashing in anger and his fist closed as if he was going to hit somebody's face. I asked what happened. Of course, angles of stories arisen as everyone told his insight of what REALLY happened. I, being a teacher, don't want to start with our lesson with unsettled issues. So, instead of reviewing them for their upcoming exam, I used my time to hear and know what really happened. So, I asked them one by one of their side of the story. I weaved their insights and formulated the whole story. (Of course, I won't disclose what really happened.) I was astonished to what I heard. So, in my position, I asked those who are involved to stay inside their room so I may talk to them privately and rebuke them. I was not satisfied with what I did, so I asked those who started the commotion to have a talk with me, individually. 

The first one, I asked why he mentioned that thing. He said, he just want to add something to burst the issue being built up. I rebuke him and asked him to stop researching about that thing. He promised me he'll do.

The second one was different and a bit intense. I heard a lot about his misconduct. He was always the mastermind of teasing and noise inside their room. When I asked where he got the idea he has raised up, he said on their vicinity. I continuously asked him some questions until I got the very root of the problem--FAMILY.

He shared his problems with his family. All I thought was he gets all the attention of his family since he is the youngest. And that is why he wants to get all the attention in school.  It is a very different story. His father beats him whenever he gets low grades; his mother shouts at him and mocks him for not being an achiever as his other siblings; his ate always pressures him to be perfect; he feels unloved and unnoticed. While he is telling me his story, he is weeping. 

At the back of my mind, I said, "Oh no, what have I done?" But then, I realized it is supposed to happen that way for me to know the reason behind his misbehavior. I finally understand him. It is only when we listen, we understand things clearly. I tell him that if he doesn't feel his parents love him, I love him as my child (though I haven't had one yet). I also assure him that whenever he feels sad and he wants someone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen to his every story. 

The people who supposed to be his refuge and resting arms become now the thorns that hurt his young heart very severely. It saddens me ultimately. But then again, I have nothing to do but to help him out of the sea of pressure he is in, by believing in his potential and guiding him to be the best child he could be.

Too Much For Less

"Too much happiness can make someone less happy," as studies shows. I still uncertain about whether this is true to everyone or to just a few individuals. As for me, it IS. I don't know how to explain it very detailed. Whenever I was happy, sooner it feels like sadness covers up ALL the happiness I have had. It happens when I was all alone.

It always happens to me, one way or another. It seemed to be an uncommonly common routine--I feel too much happiness then will fill with sadness, sooner or later. Unseemly favorable with my life, this cycle gives me reason to keep going with what I have at hand and striving for what I want to be in my grasp. 

The happiness I had is not genuine. For most of the time, whenever people see me happy, I am just hiding what i feel inside. What is my reason? I don't want people to think about my recent situation. I am always running from my loneliness, and it seemed that my loneliness always overtakes me whenever I do. That is how miserable my life was. 

With all of these happenings, I still thank the One who made me for, I am uniquely created this way; I am blessed to feel two emotions one after the other; and, I am capable of resisting some occurrence to dwell in only one feeling and forget that I do also have another.

A Night to Remember

It has been four days ago since i have this thought of bring back the feeling I have with this special person. A promise finally come to pass is the reason I felt this way.

It is Monday when I contacted her to have a dinner with me. Actually, we have agreed upon this so-called date very long time ago. I promised her to treat in a very well-known coffee shop as my gift for her special day. But, since we got conflicting schedules, the treat was postponed until Monday.

Funny was it when we agreed not to schedule the "date" since every time we tried to schedule it, it always had to be postponed due to one reason or another. Monday morning, I received a text from our principal that though the classes were suspended, we need to report. I asked if I could stay in school until 12NN since I've got some tutorial sessions to attend at. He allowed me. So, I sent her a message right away, asking whether she's free at night. She responded, she could free her schedule and would come at the time we agreed to the place we talked about.

While tutoring, I was a bit excited and a bit nervous. It is the first time I dated a girl I have affection to. Time came, when I have to leave the center and go to the place we talked where we would meet. Nerve shaking was I sat on one bench and waited for her patiently. I was thinking what words to tell her first, what things to talk about during our  secret time together. Yes, it is a secret since we are not known to be close enough to have such moment; we have been preventing issues to arise again, just like what happened several years ago;  we are known to be separated like forever for the same reason that we are not supposed to feel affection with each other.

The Dinner we shared together

She arrived in pink jacket. She's beautiful in any angle I looked at her. That's the first time I have the chance to look and talk to her with nothing to think about. It is a friendship date, anyway, so we have nothing to worry about. We decided to eat at Tokyo Tokyo since I was hungry that time. We ensured first that no one would come and would ask us why we're together. Then, I ordered and challenged her to eat as many cups of rice as she could. The deal went nowhere as we talked about our own separated lives and update each other of what is up with our own busyness. We have one common friend who knows all these things, and we're comfortable that she would not put us to a spotlight of rumors and false accusations. She shared her plans of going abroad, and I told her of my recent work experiences.

Moments passed by as if we own the night. The food we ordered lasted soon before we decided to transfer from one restaurant to another. We went to Starbucks to order some frappucino drinks as what I have promised her months ago.We ordered the tall-sized coffee since we're already full and we just want to spend some more time together.

Our Tall-sized Frapp

We talked more about the friends we have, about the things we used to do and are doing, about almost everything except about the two of us. I prevented from opening such topic for I know it is not the right time to ask about it. Well, I don't know when will it be, but soon we're going to discuss about the feelings we have killed years ago.

It's getting late when we realized we just need to go. I felt sad, seriously. I don't know whether that moment would happen again. If it would, when? She's going and she's leaving the country soon before I knew it. She didn't tell me the exact date (because she's still waiting for her visa) and I don't know if she has plan to do so. I want to hold her hands and tell her I would miss her, but I held myself. Instead I told her a million thanks for spending the night with me.

I will definitely miss this moment of spending a night with the people I love. I will definitely miss hanging out with my friends, especially those who make my stay here on earth worthwhile. I will definitely wish for another night with her. I will definitely miss her.

Metro Ligaw

"Minsan, okay lang maligaw para malaman mo na hindi lahat ng daang nais mong tahakin ay tama. (Sometimes, it is okay to get lost to realize that not all the path you want to take are right.)"

Madalas kapag may spare time ako, isa sa mga ginagawa ko ang mag-road trip. Hindi naman madalas, pero mas nakakapag-isip ako kapag gumagala kesa nag-i-stay sa isang lugar at nagmumukmok.


Kanina, may spare time ako at nais ko talagang pumunta sa kung saan man. Iniisip ko kung saan nang may nag-text sa akin at pinapapunta ako sa Quiapo. "Ayos to," sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ayos kasi hindi pa talaga ako nakakagala sa Quiapo. Ang alam ko lang ay ang Quiapo Church pero yung pasikot-sikot dun, hindi pa. Kaya nagmadali akong ayusin ang gamit ko paalis ng school para bumyahe at tumungo dun. Ang alam kong daan ay yung sa Quezon Avenue kung saan malaki ang posibilidad na ma-traffic ako. Buti na lang, may isa akong co-teacher na nakasabay paalis ng school at nagsabing puede akong mag-LRT papunta. May isang station lang ako na bababaan, tapos sasakay ng jeep o tricycle papunta sa Isetann. Agad kong tinext yung kaibigan ko na nagyaya sa akin. "Papunta na ako," sabi ko. Nang nasa LRT na ako, bigla siyang nag-text na may kasama na raw siya at wag na lang daw akong pumunta kasi nakakahiya. "Okay." sabi ko.


Inisip ko kung bababa na lang ako sa isang station at bumalik sa Muñoz para umuwi. Pero, naisip ko, sayang yung binayad ko kaya pinagpatuloy ko. Pagdating ko sa Carriedo Station, sinubukan kong maglibot-libot. Hanggang sa naisip ko na pumunta na lang sa Divisoria para bumili ng kailangan ko. Mula Carriedo, sa totoo hindi ko talaga alam kung paano pumunta sa Divisoria, buti na lang may mga napagtanungan ako. At nakarating na ako sa Divisoria, medyo nag-ikot ikot dun. Binili ang dapat bilhin at tumingin tingin ng iba pang gamit. Naalala ko, hindi ko masyadong kabisado ang lugar na iyon, at gabi na ako natapos sa pag-iikot. Dali dali akong lumabas ng Tutuban Center at hinanap ang daan pauwi. Sinundan ko lang ang agos ng mga tao. Minsan hindi rin pala maganda iyon. Sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan, nakarating na pala ako sa Tondo, Manila, bandang Binondo ata. Ligaw na ako, sa isip ko. Iniisip ko kung sasakay na ako ng kahit anong jeep at magpababa na lang sa kung saang malapit na sakayan pauwi. Pero, hindi ko iyun ginawa. Naglakad lakad pa ako at nagpakaligaw hanggang sa marating ako ang Sto. Niño Parish. Doon ko iniisip na magpahati na lang sa isang pedicab driver sa lugar kung saan ako puede sumakay pauwi.


Nagahap ako ng batang driver para puede ko siyang tanungin ng tanungin tungkol sa lugar na iyon, at para mas komportable ang byahe. Sa totoo kasi, takot ako sa mga matatandang drayber ng pedicab o tricycle lalo kapag hindi ko alam ang lugar. Medyo naging mahaba ang byahe namin nang maisip kong medyo usisain ang buhay nya. Naa-amaze kasi ako sa mga ganung trabaho dahil, una mabigat iyon at pangalawa nakakapagod. Nalaman ko na mas matanda pa ako sa kanya at mas bata siyang nagsimulang magtrabaho kesa sa akin. Matagal na rin siyang nagpi-pedicab at ginagawa nya iyon para makatulong sa mga magulang nya.


Nang narinig ko iyon, para bang may kurot sa dibdib ko. Pakuwari'y may kung anong hindi ko maisip ang tumama sa akin. Naalala ko yung na-realize ko sa loob ng simbahang pang-Katoliko nung araw ring iyon. Marami akong naisip. Isa na sa mga iyon ang "reklamo" ko na sa aming magkakapatid, ako pa lang ang nakaranas na magtrabaho habang nag-aaral. Isa pa ay ang hindi matapos tapos na usapin tungkol sa pagtulong sa magulang. Oo, tumutulong ako pero hindi ata iyon ang inaasahan nila sa akin. Parang kulang pa. At dahil dun, medyo nagri-reklamo ako.


Sa maikling pag-uusap namin, na-realize ko na mapalad nga ako na nakatapos ng pag-aaral at nagkaroon ng trabaho na hindi kinakailangan ng labis na pagpapakapagod kapalit ng kakaunting barya. Na-realize ko na hindi hadlang ang katayuan sa buhay para mabuhay.


Nang dumating kami sa sasakyan ko, nagpasalamat ako sa kanyang kwento dahil marami akong natutunan tungkol sa Tondo, sa buhay-Tondo, sa pagpi-pedicab at sa hirap na dulot nito, sa buhay. Nagpasalamat din ako sa paghatid nya sa akin. Nagbayad ako ng higit pa sa siningil nya dahil ramdam ko ang pagod nya.


Sa pag-uwi ko sa bahay, na-realize ko na sa pagkaligaw, marami kang matututunan. Kaya, imbes na mainis, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa kaibigan ko na nagyaya at biglang nag-bawi ng paanyaya sa akin na samahan siya. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makakapunta sa Carriedo; kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako maliligaw sa Tondo.

Reality Checked

My official first week as Elementary just ended last Thursday. And to think it was fun, indeed it IS fun! The chance to touch these kids lives is one of a kind. The opportunity to be their math teacher and help them love the subject is challenging, yet satisfying on my part.

I remember when I was in college, a colleague asked me to shift from B SEd (Secondary Education) to B EEd (Elementary Education) so I would have more chance of molding young minds to love the subject hated by most--Math. I refused not because I don't want the challenge and the chance. I declined for I want to continue what I started with.

So, then, I thought I would not be teaching in Elementary. During summer of this year, I started sending application letters and resumes to my prospect school. My prayer is this: to let God lead me to the school where He wants me to teach at least for a year and to a community where I would learn more about life. Of the six schools I applied in, three responded and accepted me (including the school I am working at). I declined the first two schools for low compensation and lost inner peace. The third one is different. I have been called by the Principal and asked if I could apply for a teaching position. I said yes. Then, I processed my application and accepted just last Tuesday. I was requested to start teaching the next day. So I did.

The first steps are always the hardest. Then, the next ones are getting easier. The key is adaptation. I have never been good enough for this kind of game. I hardly adapt in my environment. But, this time is unusual. The warm welcome of the faculty and staffs, and the hungry minds of the kids to learn more about Math make me realize that indeed I am in a right place.

My first day is quite typical. I came in late for my first class, and unprepared for the second one. This always happens. Because of excitement? Not really. I came in late because of the epic traffic, and unprepared for the second class because I didn't have the materials yet.

Anyway, the first class is in Grade 3. (Wheew!) It is not easy to handle such class as this. There are kids standing and walking to and fro, talking to their seatmates as if there were no teacher; doing stuffs not related to Math, etc. The typical scenario happens in a room full of kids. I felt depressed after the class. I came to the point of questioning whether or not I really can handle elementary classes. I think of whether or not accept the challenge of teaching in Grade 3 or not. But, it is not easy to drop one class down. The students started to know about me, and that is just our first meeting. I decided to accept. I just need some adjustments with my teaching style and my approach.

After which, I met the Grade 5 students. The principal told me that class speaks English fluently so I have to prepare with how I talk to them. OK, I said. It is easy since I have been talking to a student in straight English. Well, I did a good job, the principal commended. But, I still have to adjust since I seemed like teaching big kids. Then, I met the Grade 6 again. They showed interest to the subject and to me as well. And that ended my first official day.

Several days have passed, I started asking and knowing my students in a more personal manner. I asked about their background privately. Some openly tell me their story, some hold back a little. After knowing some of the backgrounds, I re-checked it with their advisers and ask more about them. They said what I observed and what I knew about these kids.

Some of the kids are products of broken families. Yes, it is sad! It affects their performances and their lives. It saddens me. Why are there people who are irresponsible to leave their kids? These kids, though rich in material things, lack in a more important and more significant thing in life--love. And it feels like I have something more to do than mere teaching. It feels like aside from helping this kids love Math, I need to make them feel loved. And I know it is just started to happen not because of what I did but because of what God did through me. Say one of my colleagues, there are more to come and more to experience. I am way excited to teach these kids and make them love Math and realize Math is indeed fun!

Point of Intersection

Walking in a busy street, I saw myself hanged by a moment thinking of what might happen in the years to come. After graduating in college, the norm is to find a full time job vacancy and fill it with fresh ideas come from a fresh graduate like me. It was the norm!

Should I go forward or should I have a sudden shift of course?
I don't know still.

However, I have a very different case. I am working even before I got the chance to grab the most defining moment of my life--college graduation. It is two years now since I was accepted and hired in a tutorial center. All I was thinking the moment I got there is I might just work for two months. But, two months became three and months became years. And, I hope years will be counted continuously.

After graduation, the moment when everyone is busy passing resume here and there, praying some of the companies phone them up and call for an interview. Later, hoping to pass the interview and proceed to the other steps. Sooner, sign a paper indicating of being hired. I did the same. I did passed resumes to some schools. Some of which responded to my application and scheduled me for an interview. And a fewer number gets to contact me again for some other stuffs needed to accomplish. Until, one school asks if I was interested to join in the team and work there for at least 10 months. Things are yet to do so the contract signing was still undone.

One question, during the interview, really made me doubtful whether or not working in their school is what I want. In full honesty, I want to have a full time job in as early as possible. Our conversation went like this:

Interviewer (I): Are you planning to have other work outside the school?
Me (J): Yes, Ma'am. Actually, I am working in a tutorial center and it will continue by next school year.
I: I see. But, are you willing to sacrifice some of your time there? I mean, in this school, we ask teachers to go here during Saturdays to do other stuffs like lesson planning, etc.
J: Yes, Ma'am.
I: That was good. Even if it tells you that your time in the tutorial center you are telling will be lessened?
J: (in doubting voice) Yes?

In fact, it makes me cry every time I think of leaving the company I call home and the students I call friends. Yes, they are my precious gems. It is hard to leave such group where almost everything is in harmony. I have been so in love with these students I have handled and it will break my heart if I get no chance to teach them.
Yes, I want to be in a formal school and have a full time job. But, I can't compromise my position to teach these kids for the year to come.

I asked how the salary would be, and got no definite answer. A neighbor tells my mom that the school where I would be working at gives salary that is fair enough to live but low enough to save. If I would do some calculation, I can say I would earn more in the tutorial center than in school.

I don't know. Everything is still uncertain. It feels like I want chocolate cake and Mocha cake, but I only got one cake to choose and eat. Which will I choose? I don't know.

I don't know if I would continue my journey forward or I would have this sudden shift of course. I was in the point of intersection, if I may say this.