Too Much For Less

"Too much happiness can make someone less happy," as studies shows. I still uncertain about whether this is true to everyone or to just a few individuals. As for me, it IS. I don't know how to explain it very detailed. Whenever I was happy, sooner it feels like sadness covers up ALL the happiness I have had. It happens when I was all alone.

It always happens to me, one way or another. It seemed to be an uncommonly common routine--I feel too much happiness then will fill with sadness, sooner or later. Unseemly favorable with my life, this cycle gives me reason to keep going with what I have at hand and striving for what I want to be in my grasp. 

The happiness I had is not genuine. For most of the time, whenever people see me happy, I am just hiding what i feel inside. What is my reason? I don't want people to think about my recent situation. I am always running from my loneliness, and it seemed that my loneliness always overtakes me whenever I do. That is how miserable my life was. 

With all of these happenings, I still thank the One who made me for, I am uniquely created this way; I am blessed to feel two emotions one after the other; and, I am capable of resisting some occurrence to dwell in only one feeling and forget that I do also have another.

A Night to Remember

It has been four days ago since i have this thought of bring back the feeling I have with this special person. A promise finally come to pass is the reason I felt this way.

It is Monday when I contacted her to have a dinner with me. Actually, we have agreed upon this so-called date very long time ago. I promised her to treat in a very well-known coffee shop as my gift for her special day. But, since we got conflicting schedules, the treat was postponed until Monday.

Funny was it when we agreed not to schedule the "date" since every time we tried to schedule it, it always had to be postponed due to one reason or another. Monday morning, I received a text from our principal that though the classes were suspended, we need to report. I asked if I could stay in school until 12NN since I've got some tutorial sessions to attend at. He allowed me. So, I sent her a message right away, asking whether she's free at night. She responded, she could free her schedule and would come at the time we agreed to the place we talked about.

While tutoring, I was a bit excited and a bit nervous. It is the first time I dated a girl I have affection to. Time came, when I have to leave the center and go to the place we talked where we would meet. Nerve shaking was I sat on one bench and waited for her patiently. I was thinking what words to tell her first, what things to talk about during our  secret time together. Yes, it is a secret since we are not known to be close enough to have such moment; we have been preventing issues to arise again, just like what happened several years ago;  we are known to be separated like forever for the same reason that we are not supposed to feel affection with each other.

The Dinner we shared together

She arrived in pink jacket. She's beautiful in any angle I looked at her. That's the first time I have the chance to look and talk to her with nothing to think about. It is a friendship date, anyway, so we have nothing to worry about. We decided to eat at Tokyo Tokyo since I was hungry that time. We ensured first that no one would come and would ask us why we're together. Then, I ordered and challenged her to eat as many cups of rice as she could. The deal went nowhere as we talked about our own separated lives and update each other of what is up with our own busyness. We have one common friend who knows all these things, and we're comfortable that she would not put us to a spotlight of rumors and false accusations. She shared her plans of going abroad, and I told her of my recent work experiences.

Moments passed by as if we own the night. The food we ordered lasted soon before we decided to transfer from one restaurant to another. We went to Starbucks to order some frappucino drinks as what I have promised her months ago.We ordered the tall-sized coffee since we're already full and we just want to spend some more time together.

Our Tall-sized Frapp

We talked more about the friends we have, about the things we used to do and are doing, about almost everything except about the two of us. I prevented from opening such topic for I know it is not the right time to ask about it. Well, I don't know when will it be, but soon we're going to discuss about the feelings we have killed years ago.

It's getting late when we realized we just need to go. I felt sad, seriously. I don't know whether that moment would happen again. If it would, when? She's going and she's leaving the country soon before I knew it. She didn't tell me the exact date (because she's still waiting for her visa) and I don't know if she has plan to do so. I want to hold her hands and tell her I would miss her, but I held myself. Instead I told her a million thanks for spending the night with me.

I will definitely miss this moment of spending a night with the people I love. I will definitely miss hanging out with my friends, especially those who make my stay here on earth worthwhile. I will definitely wish for another night with her. I will definitely miss her.

Metro Ligaw

"Minsan, okay lang maligaw para malaman mo na hindi lahat ng daang nais mong tahakin ay tama. (Sometimes, it is okay to get lost to realize that not all the path you want to take are right.)"

Madalas kapag may spare time ako, isa sa mga ginagawa ko ang mag-road trip. Hindi naman madalas, pero mas nakakapag-isip ako kapag gumagala kesa nag-i-stay sa isang lugar at nagmumukmok.


Kanina, may spare time ako at nais ko talagang pumunta sa kung saan man. Iniisip ko kung saan nang may nag-text sa akin at pinapapunta ako sa Quiapo. "Ayos to," sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ayos kasi hindi pa talaga ako nakakagala sa Quiapo. Ang alam ko lang ay ang Quiapo Church pero yung pasikot-sikot dun, hindi pa. Kaya nagmadali akong ayusin ang gamit ko paalis ng school para bumyahe at tumungo dun. Ang alam kong daan ay yung sa Quezon Avenue kung saan malaki ang posibilidad na ma-traffic ako. Buti na lang, may isa akong co-teacher na nakasabay paalis ng school at nagsabing puede akong mag-LRT papunta. May isang station lang ako na bababaan, tapos sasakay ng jeep o tricycle papunta sa Isetann. Agad kong tinext yung kaibigan ko na nagyaya sa akin. "Papunta na ako," sabi ko. Nang nasa LRT na ako, bigla siyang nag-text na may kasama na raw siya at wag na lang daw akong pumunta kasi nakakahiya. "Okay." sabi ko.


Inisip ko kung bababa na lang ako sa isang station at bumalik sa Muñoz para umuwi. Pero, naisip ko, sayang yung binayad ko kaya pinagpatuloy ko. Pagdating ko sa Carriedo Station, sinubukan kong maglibot-libot. Hanggang sa naisip ko na pumunta na lang sa Divisoria para bumili ng kailangan ko. Mula Carriedo, sa totoo hindi ko talaga alam kung paano pumunta sa Divisoria, buti na lang may mga napagtanungan ako. At nakarating na ako sa Divisoria, medyo nag-ikot ikot dun. Binili ang dapat bilhin at tumingin tingin ng iba pang gamit. Naalala ko, hindi ko masyadong kabisado ang lugar na iyon, at gabi na ako natapos sa pag-iikot. Dali dali akong lumabas ng Tutuban Center at hinanap ang daan pauwi. Sinundan ko lang ang agos ng mga tao. Minsan hindi rin pala maganda iyon. Sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan, nakarating na pala ako sa Tondo, Manila, bandang Binondo ata. Ligaw na ako, sa isip ko. Iniisip ko kung sasakay na ako ng kahit anong jeep at magpababa na lang sa kung saang malapit na sakayan pauwi. Pero, hindi ko iyun ginawa. Naglakad lakad pa ako at nagpakaligaw hanggang sa marating ako ang Sto. Niño Parish. Doon ko iniisip na magpahati na lang sa isang pedicab driver sa lugar kung saan ako puede sumakay pauwi.


Nagahap ako ng batang driver para puede ko siyang tanungin ng tanungin tungkol sa lugar na iyon, at para mas komportable ang byahe. Sa totoo kasi, takot ako sa mga matatandang drayber ng pedicab o tricycle lalo kapag hindi ko alam ang lugar. Medyo naging mahaba ang byahe namin nang maisip kong medyo usisain ang buhay nya. Naa-amaze kasi ako sa mga ganung trabaho dahil, una mabigat iyon at pangalawa nakakapagod. Nalaman ko na mas matanda pa ako sa kanya at mas bata siyang nagsimulang magtrabaho kesa sa akin. Matagal na rin siyang nagpi-pedicab at ginagawa nya iyon para makatulong sa mga magulang nya.


Nang narinig ko iyon, para bang may kurot sa dibdib ko. Pakuwari'y may kung anong hindi ko maisip ang tumama sa akin. Naalala ko yung na-realize ko sa loob ng simbahang pang-Katoliko nung araw ring iyon. Marami akong naisip. Isa na sa mga iyon ang "reklamo" ko na sa aming magkakapatid, ako pa lang ang nakaranas na magtrabaho habang nag-aaral. Isa pa ay ang hindi matapos tapos na usapin tungkol sa pagtulong sa magulang. Oo, tumutulong ako pero hindi ata iyon ang inaasahan nila sa akin. Parang kulang pa. At dahil dun, medyo nagri-reklamo ako.


Sa maikling pag-uusap namin, na-realize ko na mapalad nga ako na nakatapos ng pag-aaral at nagkaroon ng trabaho na hindi kinakailangan ng labis na pagpapakapagod kapalit ng kakaunting barya. Na-realize ko na hindi hadlang ang katayuan sa buhay para mabuhay.


Nang dumating kami sa sasakyan ko, nagpasalamat ako sa kanyang kwento dahil marami akong natutunan tungkol sa Tondo, sa buhay-Tondo, sa pagpi-pedicab at sa hirap na dulot nito, sa buhay. Nagpasalamat din ako sa paghatid nya sa akin. Nagbayad ako ng higit pa sa siningil nya dahil ramdam ko ang pagod nya.


Sa pag-uwi ko sa bahay, na-realize ko na sa pagkaligaw, marami kang matututunan. Kaya, imbes na mainis, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa kaibigan ko na nagyaya at biglang nag-bawi ng paanyaya sa akin na samahan siya. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makakapunta sa Carriedo; kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako maliligaw sa Tondo.

Reality Checked

My official first week as Elementary just ended last Thursday. And to think it was fun, indeed it IS fun! The chance to touch these kids lives is one of a kind. The opportunity to be their math teacher and help them love the subject is challenging, yet satisfying on my part.

I remember when I was in college, a colleague asked me to shift from B SEd (Secondary Education) to B EEd (Elementary Education) so I would have more chance of molding young minds to love the subject hated by most--Math. I refused not because I don't want the challenge and the chance. I declined for I want to continue what I started with.

So, then, I thought I would not be teaching in Elementary. During summer of this year, I started sending application letters and resumes to my prospect school. My prayer is this: to let God lead me to the school where He wants me to teach at least for a year and to a community where I would learn more about life. Of the six schools I applied in, three responded and accepted me (including the school I am working at). I declined the first two schools for low compensation and lost inner peace. The third one is different. I have been called by the Principal and asked if I could apply for a teaching position. I said yes. Then, I processed my application and accepted just last Tuesday. I was requested to start teaching the next day. So I did.

The first steps are always the hardest. Then, the next ones are getting easier. The key is adaptation. I have never been good enough for this kind of game. I hardly adapt in my environment. But, this time is unusual. The warm welcome of the faculty and staffs, and the hungry minds of the kids to learn more about Math make me realize that indeed I am in a right place.

My first day is quite typical. I came in late for my first class, and unprepared for the second one. This always happens. Because of excitement? Not really. I came in late because of the epic traffic, and unprepared for the second class because I didn't have the materials yet.

Anyway, the first class is in Grade 3. (Wheew!) It is not easy to handle such class as this. There are kids standing and walking to and fro, talking to their seatmates as if there were no teacher; doing stuffs not related to Math, etc. The typical scenario happens in a room full of kids. I felt depressed after the class. I came to the point of questioning whether or not I really can handle elementary classes. I think of whether or not accept the challenge of teaching in Grade 3 or not. But, it is not easy to drop one class down. The students started to know about me, and that is just our first meeting. I decided to accept. I just need some adjustments with my teaching style and my approach.

After which, I met the Grade 5 students. The principal told me that class speaks English fluently so I have to prepare with how I talk to them. OK, I said. It is easy since I have been talking to a student in straight English. Well, I did a good job, the principal commended. But, I still have to adjust since I seemed like teaching big kids. Then, I met the Grade 6 again. They showed interest to the subject and to me as well. And that ended my first official day.

Several days have passed, I started asking and knowing my students in a more personal manner. I asked about their background privately. Some openly tell me their story, some hold back a little. After knowing some of the backgrounds, I re-checked it with their advisers and ask more about them. They said what I observed and what I knew about these kids.

Some of the kids are products of broken families. Yes, it is sad! It affects their performances and their lives. It saddens me. Why are there people who are irresponsible to leave their kids? These kids, though rich in material things, lack in a more important and more significant thing in life--love. And it feels like I have something more to do than mere teaching. It feels like aside from helping this kids love Math, I need to make them feel loved. And I know it is just started to happen not because of what I did but because of what God did through me. Say one of my colleagues, there are more to come and more to experience. I am way excited to teach these kids and make them love Math and realize Math is indeed fun!

Point of Intersection

Walking in a busy street, I saw myself hanged by a moment thinking of what might happen in the years to come. After graduating in college, the norm is to find a full time job vacancy and fill it with fresh ideas come from a fresh graduate like me. It was the norm!

Should I go forward or should I have a sudden shift of course?
I don't know still.

However, I have a very different case. I am working even before I got the chance to grab the most defining moment of my life--college graduation. It is two years now since I was accepted and hired in a tutorial center. All I was thinking the moment I got there is I might just work for two months. But, two months became three and months became years. And, I hope years will be counted continuously.

After graduation, the moment when everyone is busy passing resume here and there, praying some of the companies phone them up and call for an interview. Later, hoping to pass the interview and proceed to the other steps. Sooner, sign a paper indicating of being hired. I did the same. I did passed resumes to some schools. Some of which responded to my application and scheduled me for an interview. And a fewer number gets to contact me again for some other stuffs needed to accomplish. Until, one school asks if I was interested to join in the team and work there for at least 10 months. Things are yet to do so the contract signing was still undone.

One question, during the interview, really made me doubtful whether or not working in their school is what I want. In full honesty, I want to have a full time job in as early as possible. Our conversation went like this:

Interviewer (I): Are you planning to have other work outside the school?
Me (J): Yes, Ma'am. Actually, I am working in a tutorial center and it will continue by next school year.
I: I see. But, are you willing to sacrifice some of your time there? I mean, in this school, we ask teachers to go here during Saturdays to do other stuffs like lesson planning, etc.
J: Yes, Ma'am.
I: That was good. Even if it tells you that your time in the tutorial center you are telling will be lessened?
J: (in doubting voice) Yes?

In fact, it makes me cry every time I think of leaving the company I call home and the students I call friends. Yes, they are my precious gems. It is hard to leave such group where almost everything is in harmony. I have been so in love with these students I have handled and it will break my heart if I get no chance to teach them.
Yes, I want to be in a formal school and have a full time job. But, I can't compromise my position to teach these kids for the year to come.

I asked how the salary would be, and got no definite answer. A neighbor tells my mom that the school where I would be working at gives salary that is fair enough to live but low enough to save. If I would do some calculation, I can say I would earn more in the tutorial center than in school.

I don't know. Everything is still uncertain. It feels like I want chocolate cake and Mocha cake, but I only got one cake to choose and eat. Which will I choose? I don't know.

I don't know if I would continue my journey forward or I would have this sudden shift of course. I was in the point of intersection, if I may say this.

To the one who first called me JEM

                One o’clock in the morning, I am still awake. I can’t sleep not just because of the hot weather condition, but because I was thinking about the friendship I once have had with you.

                Yes, I know it is my fault to depend on you. Yes, it is wrong to expect something from you: something that you really cannot give. It hurt me to know that you have turned me down several times, but it never taught me to give up hoping that one day, some time, you would give what I asked; you would be with me at last. It never happened though, and I know it would not!

                I got mad at you for turning me down. I showed you and I made you feel I am indeed angry with you. You were sorry, you said. I accepted your apologies, though I didn’t feel it. I accepted it for the very reason I just want to move on. I don’t want another negative vibe in my life that is filled with negative powers. You were sorry because I don’t know. Do you want our friendship be back? Are you trying to capture my trust again? These are the questions flying around the corners of my room.

                To tell you the truth, I feel guilty with letting our friendship sink in the middle of the dark blue sea. It is not wholly my fault. You have yours. I tried to seal the little hole we had, but you let it became bigger. The misunderstanding we had—that only us could settle—became the conflict we have WITH our loved ones. I blame you for sharing them our problem. I tried to hide it from my side so you could have an image white as snow, but you just let mine be stained. People kept on asking what happened on us; if we have problem or whatever. I have no other choice but to tell my loved ones the whole story. What’s their reaction? Of course, they got mad and disappointed with you. Inasmuch as I want to wash your image with them, I can’t. I can’t because I was hurt. I was hurt because you’re inept enough to tell the world what is happening with us.

                At the end of our last conversation, I tell you I can no longer consider you a friend. Yes, I mean it! With all the disappointments and all the discouragements you brought to my life, how could I consider you as one? It is my fault to call you a friend. It is my fault to choose you a buddy. It is my fault to consider you a best friend. It is my lament to consider you a brother. It is my biggest regret to consider you a twin brother. To cope with all these faults, I choose to drop you out of my list of friends.

                It is hard, though. But I believe it is just right! I treasure all the memories we have done, all the joys and the tears we have shared, the laughter and the cries, the journeys and the adventures. I will try to hide my tears so you won’t be asked what happened after we have talked. I gave you the only item we have both not to mess things around but to show I am ready to, somehow, walk the path alone.

                To you, who give the name “Jem” to me, thank you and good bye! 

WRITTEN: 22 April 2012, 1:05AM

Climbing a Sycamore-fig Tree

Almost everyone knows very well the story of this short man who used to climb a sycamore-fig tree just to have a glimpse of the Man who is known as The Messiah. This short man, by the name of Zacchaeus, was the chief tax collector of Jericho--a city where Jesus passed through before the Passover. His story, in my belief, inspires the reader and gives hope to everyone that even a sinful, a most hated man can be saved. A story that tells Jesus loves the sinners.

However, as I read and re-read this story, God revealed and showed some insights I definitely am uncertain about the first time I understood Zacchaeus' story. 

Zacchaeus is curious about who this Man, by name of Jesus, is. Jesus is so famous that even those who didn't believe at Him knew Him and knew every miracle He did. Jesus is far more than just a miraculous man. He is God! He is not just another superhero. He is THE Savior. These are just a few about who He really is. I believe Zacchaeus knew that Jesus is more than just a man who did miracles. Yes, Zacchaeus is curious about Jesus, that is why he wanted to see Him. 

In Science, something is discovered due to curiousity. Same goes with sprituality. Once we get curious about who God is and what He can do in our life, we would discover who He really is! Curiousity drives anyone to discover something. What God wants from us is to be curious about Him, and He is more than willing to show who He really is!

Driven by curiousity, Zacchaeus had this eagerness to see Jesus. But, he's short and the crowd was overwhelming. This might discourage him, but he never surrendered his eagerness. Despite of his height and of the crowd, he looked for a way to have a glimpse of Jesus. I believe his height and the crowd represent some things in our lives. The height represents our own selves. It might be our self-esteem or pride. While the crowd represents hindrances. Hindrances like our possessions, our economical status, our image, definitely our sins. Zacchaeus learned to overcome these things in his life. What he did was to climb a sycamore-fig tree and waited silently until Jesus passed through him. 

These two things--height and crowd--exist in everyone's life. We may not be aware of it, but surely they are hindering us to seeking God. We need to overcome these things to see Jesus' glory.

What makes Zacchaeus' story more interesting is that Jesus came to him and asked him to  come down and told him He should stay at his house. I believe he is not the ONLY man who climbed that tree. What amazes me is that Jesus, personally, came to the tree where Zacchaeus was and asked him to come down. Being in a high government position, Zacchaeus silently waited to see Jesus. Definitely, the crowd is noisy the moment Jesus passed through the tree, but, still, Jesus noticed him. God knows who really wants to see Him; who really wants to know Him; who really has the heart to follow Him and He is more than willing to show them who He really is. Because Zacchaeus has it, Jesus came to the very place where he was and called him by his name.

Amazing encounter happened to Zacchaeus that moment. First, Jesus noticed him though there are a lot more people who, maybe, shouting at His name and calling forth the Name of the Lord. Second,Jesus called him by his name. Third, Jesus asked him to come down for He will stay at his house. Lastly, Jesus saved him from darkness. What a wonderful encounter, isn't it?

Touched by the Holy Spirit, Zacchaeus hurriedly came down the tree and gladly welcomed Jesus to his house. And salvation came to his house, then. This part talks about a sinner welcoming God to his house (life). This is the very key to salvation--we must open our hearts and recieve Jesus into it, and ask Him to be the Lord of our lives.

To truly walk into the salvation, Zacchaeus told Jesus he would reconcile with the people he cheated by giving half of his possessions to the poor and paying back four times the amount for those he has cheated. One Pastor I talked with told me that when you are okay with God, you are okay with people. Another preacher I heard states it this way, "Remember the cross. When you are vertically strong, you are horizontally steady." 

When God revealed these things to me, I am left with nothing but teary eyes and broken heart. He reminded me of my spiritual status and how He wants to help me fix the brokenness I have within. He told me I could be in Zacchaeus' shoes and experience the sycamore-fig tree encouter. 

All I want now is to climb my own sycamore-fig tree where I can see God's glory shine upon me.