Too Much For Less

"Too much happiness can make someone less happy," as studies shows. I still uncertain about whether this is true to everyone or to just a few individuals. As for me, it IS. I don't know how to explain it very detailed. Whenever I was happy, sooner it feels like sadness covers up ALL the happiness I have had. It happens when I was all alone.

It always happens to me, one way or another. It seemed to be an uncommonly common routine--I feel too much happiness then will fill with sadness, sooner or later. Unseemly favorable with my life, this cycle gives me reason to keep going with what I have at hand and striving for what I want to be in my grasp. 

The happiness I had is not genuine. For most of the time, whenever people see me happy, I am just hiding what i feel inside. What is my reason? I don't want people to think about my recent situation. I am always running from my loneliness, and it seemed that my loneliness always overtakes me whenever I do. That is how miserable my life was. 

With all of these happenings, I still thank the One who made me for, I am uniquely created this way; I am blessed to feel two emotions one after the other; and, I am capable of resisting some occurrence to dwell in only one feeling and forget that I do also have another.

A Night to Remember

It has been four days ago since i have this thought of bring back the feeling I have with this special person. A promise finally come to pass is the reason I felt this way.

It is Monday when I contacted her to have a dinner with me. Actually, we have agreed upon this so-called date very long time ago. I promised her to treat in a very well-known coffee shop as my gift for her special day. But, since we got conflicting schedules, the treat was postponed until Monday.

Funny was it when we agreed not to schedule the "date" since every time we tried to schedule it, it always had to be postponed due to one reason or another. Monday morning, I received a text from our principal that though the classes were suspended, we need to report. I asked if I could stay in school until 12NN since I've got some tutorial sessions to attend at. He allowed me. So, I sent her a message right away, asking whether she's free at night. She responded, she could free her schedule and would come at the time we agreed to the place we talked about.

While tutoring, I was a bit excited and a bit nervous. It is the first time I dated a girl I have affection to. Time came, when I have to leave the center and go to the place we talked where we would meet. Nerve shaking was I sat on one bench and waited for her patiently. I was thinking what words to tell her first, what things to talk about during our  secret time together. Yes, it is a secret since we are not known to be close enough to have such moment; we have been preventing issues to arise again, just like what happened several years ago;  we are known to be separated like forever for the same reason that we are not supposed to feel affection with each other.

The Dinner we shared together

She arrived in pink jacket. She's beautiful in any angle I looked at her. That's the first time I have the chance to look and talk to her with nothing to think about. It is a friendship date, anyway, so we have nothing to worry about. We decided to eat at Tokyo Tokyo since I was hungry that time. We ensured first that no one would come and would ask us why we're together. Then, I ordered and challenged her to eat as many cups of rice as she could. The deal went nowhere as we talked about our own separated lives and update each other of what is up with our own busyness. We have one common friend who knows all these things, and we're comfortable that she would not put us to a spotlight of rumors and false accusations. She shared her plans of going abroad, and I told her of my recent work experiences.

Moments passed by as if we own the night. The food we ordered lasted soon before we decided to transfer from one restaurant to another. We went to Starbucks to order some frappucino drinks as what I have promised her months ago.We ordered the tall-sized coffee since we're already full and we just want to spend some more time together.

Our Tall-sized Frapp

We talked more about the friends we have, about the things we used to do and are doing, about almost everything except about the two of us. I prevented from opening such topic for I know it is not the right time to ask about it. Well, I don't know when will it be, but soon we're going to discuss about the feelings we have killed years ago.

It's getting late when we realized we just need to go. I felt sad, seriously. I don't know whether that moment would happen again. If it would, when? She's going and she's leaving the country soon before I knew it. She didn't tell me the exact date (because she's still waiting for her visa) and I don't know if she has plan to do so. I want to hold her hands and tell her I would miss her, but I held myself. Instead I told her a million thanks for spending the night with me.

I will definitely miss this moment of spending a night with the people I love. I will definitely miss hanging out with my friends, especially those who make my stay here on earth worthwhile. I will definitely wish for another night with her. I will definitely miss her.