2012: A Year of Wandering

Page 366 of 366. The last day of the year, on its last hours. They say, it is, well, the loneliest, saddest moments of the year. Ironically, it is also the happiest and the most promising moments when hopes are being renewed, goals and plans are set, and new things are about to come. However, before I totally close this book, let me recall for what happened to me this year.

To start off, let me say this year is full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and everything that goes in between. This is not a typical year for me. I have been in a wilderness, not the dark-forest-with-creepy-sound-produced-by-monster-like-animals-unseen wilderness or the plains-with-green-scenery-atop-of-a-peaceful-hill-with-lots-of-wild-flowers-and-sweet-scented-air wilderness. The wilderness I have been through is intangible, unseen yet felt. If I may call it, it is the so-called spiritual wilderness.

Looking at what happened way back 2011, my life isn't well.  That year hasn't ended well also. There were things undone and things unsettled. These things needs settlement early this year, supposedly. However, I chose not to think over these things during the first months of 2012. Instead, I chose to set these issues aside, go on with my life without moving on. I lived my life as if I only live to earn money, spend on the things I love, eat and try the bestsellers of famous restaurants, drink and live well as if I am going to die the next day. Sadly, every night I spent sobbing, brokenhearted with uncertain reasons. Until the day I found out what's missing. I forgot God. No, I chose to forget God during these epic moments of my life. Due to the heartbreaking issues and condemnations put about my being during 2011, I learned to focus my attention on the temporary things, rather than on the eternal. I learned to live my life unfavorably for Him.

Despite of my selfish decisions, still His mercy overflew, overflows, and is overflowing. He gave me reasons to celebrate and reasons to give Him the glory and gratefulness. However, I halfheartedly give Him the glory He deserves. I know this is not right and fair, but my heart is still filled with angst. I just ignored, again.

First quarter has come. The much-awaited moment had to happen. I graduated alas! I miss being my family's pride. I became for this moment. Though I was, I didn't feel it much. Yes, I finally graduated from the most prestigious university, but I graduated without any award. That saddens me most. After graduation, I applied for a work, not to a point of frustrating my self to have one. I was accepted in three schools where I passed my resume. Turned down the first two, and accepted the one in which I think I would learn more. (In this time of my life, compensation is not at my top priorities) I believe, God just put me in this place to learn more about teaching kids and loving them despite of their low scores. I am learning. And, I am thankful for this.

Midyear passed. I am still living my life the way I want it. I worked to earn money; I earned money to spend it luxuriously. In the end, my pocket only had coins. Months later, my parents demanded from me to help out paying bills. In this time the fact that I am working not for my own's sake finally sank in. All I was thinking was I work because I need to support my way of living my own--independent, not asking for my parents' support anymore (only in the means of giving me allowance). I repulsed the idea of me paying our electricity bill considering I seemed like a boarder in our house. The resolution was I'd give them at most half of my gross income and let them spend it the way they want. No repulsion nor problem happened during the first months of implementing this resolution. However, I find it very hard to sustain my "other" expenses. I sacrifice my luxury; decided to spend less. It's hard, but I finally find a way to live this way.

During this months also, some relationships I once lost during 2011 have been restored. One is with my best bestfriend. We've been friends since 2007, and it would be hard for me to stay away from him. I thank the Almighty for restoring our friendship. Though not as how we celebrate our friendship together for almost weekly, we spend quality time together in a monthly basis. That is okay, at least we have regular bonding time.

I think it would be enough to have this one relationship being restored. I am wrong. God told me and reminded me of the people who used to hurt me. He's been telling me to at least reach out for them, forgive them genuinely, and hope for the restoration of the relationship we had. Still I ignore the call. Until one time, a close friend reminded me of how good God is in my life, and how much He wants me to live a life that is God-centered--with no unsettled issues whatever. I was convicted. So, inasmuch as I can, I started reaching for people who hurt me, of course, with His guidance and wisdom.

I experienced a lot of new things during this year. I was invited to judge a singing contest though I wasn't a professional one. I became an MTAP instructor, one of the things I wished I could do since elementary. I taught in Quezon City Science High School for MTAP--another dream come true. I achieved a lot during this year. More than anything else, I am getting into the right track again. It's hard, though, but I finally see the light. I am always thankful to the people who never rested from reminding me how beautiful life is and how awesome His love is.

I started 2012 unwell, but as days went by things are getting good, sooner becoming better. There are a lot more things to thank about in the year that is about to end. When one door closes, another opens. When one year ends, another one starts. I promise I will start my 2013 well.

Happy new year every one!

Lost for Words

It has always been my joy to have adventure going to unfamiliar places. Last Saturday, my friend asked me to go to their place for some personal favor. Unluckily, I am innocent of their place. Fortunately, I love the task and the challenge to get there ALONE. So I was in another quest to unfamiliar place.

Going there is quite an easy assignment. I just have to ride a jeep from my home to FX terminal at SM Fairview; ride FX from SM Fairview to SM North EDSA; another jeep to Munoz, then LRT to Monumento. (Whew, so easy!) I chose this path, though more expansive than some other suggested ways because I am more familiar with what to ride where. From there, I needed to go to a mall so-called Victory Mall, then looked for the Mcdo branch in there. Upon arriving at the Monumento Terminal of LRT 1, I noticed how creepy and how crowded the place is. Creepy in a sense that just across the street is the Ever Grand Central Mall, and along the side of the street where I was walking are the street vendors and lots of bystanders. Due to my demophobia, the excitement I had faded, and the uneasiness started to take place. It always happens whenever I go to crowded places.

I came in to our meeting place five minutes earlier. He said he would be late. So, instead of staying, I decided to roam around the mall to see what's in it. All I was seeing were people going to and fro, vendors of different goods inviting people to check in their products and probably, deceive them to buy some; "concerned" persons who constantly reminding the shoppers to keep their eyes on their valuables for snatchers are just around the corner; and, of course, the number of bystanders inside the mall. The uneasiness I feel gets too strong for me to become irritated and agitated. I decided to go to a food chain and stay there until he arrived. Of course, with due respect to the food chain, I ordered some drinks to have a "pass". Sadly, I only have big bills in my pocket in which the counter didn't accept. She aggravated the uneasiness I have. I still stayed inside and waited for his arrival. One hour after, he arrived. We left the food chain with some unfavorable memoirs. I asked if we can wander around the mall and look for some amusement/ entertainment area to unleash my uneasiness. We found one, but instead of giving me some relaxation, it worsen my feeling. To at least give myself some air to breath, I asked him to accompany me to an isolated area. There, I gave what he asked for and decided to move out of the mall and go home.

The crowd gets bigger as we went outside the mall. It's dark, and the place became creepier. I don't know how I can get home from there since I am undecided whether to take the same route I took or to challenge myself to try new path. All I was thinking was I need to get into a PUV which is not too crowded. I cannot take a bus ride since it's dark and everyone was going home. So, instead of going to a new journey, I took the same path.

From LRT Monumento Station to Roosevelt Station, I was staring outside, getting myself familiar with the landmarks and buildings. I came about Roosevelt Station just in time before it got darker. From there, I needed to take a ride to SM North EDSA. Upon walking down the footbridge, I saw a father, carrying his weak and sick son, sobbing and asking for some help. I wanted to give him some of my coins, but I was thinking he needs more than that. Despite of the tragic scene pictured right in front of me, I still walked through them, with a heart breaking into million pieces. "I need to go. I need to go. I need to go." these statement rolled in my mind as I rushed into a bus and had my second ride. However, before I got into the bus, I saw a boy sleeping in a corner, thin and had nothing, holding a plastic cup silently asking for some alms. My heart was then pounded to dust.

Arriving at the SM North EDSA, the father-and-son picture still stocked in my mind. I walked over the footbridge, waving this scene out of my mind. I was discouraged when I saw the crowd fell in line to get a ride to SM Fairview. What I did was to go inside SMNE and kill some time by wandering around until I met a friend who asked me to join her journey to finding a planner. We went from one stall to another, until we finally found a planner just fit for her. The sadness I felt for the sobbing father suddenly gone.

When I got home, all I was thinking is the lessons I learned in my one-day-lost-for-words journey. Yes, I almost lost some words to describe what is going on. First the journey is so tiring that I almost gave up trying. Yet, the urge to help my friend pushed me to give a little more effort. And, yes, I did! The uneasiness I felt almost killed me from the inside out. It choked me and the patience to wait for him. The crowd and the fear about losing something caused me to almost quitting. The sobbing father and the young kid reminds me how blessed I am having enough food to eat, and a healthy body. The traffic and the long line saying life is never an easy road. My friend who I accompanied with tells someone, in the middle of misfortune, will surprise you in one way or another. And a lot more.

More than anything, the place we I went put me into my being. Its impression tells something that I almost forget--simplicity. The people there, though the place isn't great, learn to appreciate things and enjoy what life brings about. Inside the amusement center, people are busy playing and enjoying with their things put just in a corner near them. They ignore the fact that anytime, their valuables might be stolen. On one game, someone who played after me, smiled at me first, probably saying, thank you for giving me a chance to play and good luck for the next game. It is a total odd thing for me to receive a smile for a totally stranger, yet his smile gave me an assurance of nothing to fear and nothing to hide for. Everyone inside the room enjoy playing unconsciously, one thing I didn't feel when I am in an amusement center nearby. Their life is simple and they are contented with it.

The journey I had is never an incident. Every little thing I encountered gives me some lesson I definitely didn't learn inside the classroom. I just hope everything would be fine with the sobbing father and his son.

Strive to Live

There are stories when a man, who is dying, gain just enough strength to retrieve and strive to live. We have much of those inspirational stories that are truly heartfelt and motivating. We also have stories when suddenly a man, who lost all the push to live, finds a reason to continue with this journey called life. We have much of those that it is almost going to be a cliche. Seriously, I find those stories typical and lame to give me extra strength to look beyond what is laid; to walk an extra mile; to do things beyond what is expected.

I have so much knowledge about what to do on a right time at the right place. What I am lacking is the push to do those things. Actually, I find this problem very typical when it comes to people who was expected to do and give their best without given much love and attention. In my unofficial study, people tend to seek for acceptance and love. Once found, every thing may fall into right place. The downfall is quite risky. When a certain person was unable to find acceptance and love, he tends to be suicidal. The latter happened to me. I am a seeker. I seek for acceptance and love I once lost along the way. I found nothing. And here comes the idea to end my life that way. I lost the appetite to continue with this "nightmare" and move on with another nightmare. My principle and this idea wrestled for quite a long time until something unusual happens.

We have a pet cat whose name is Fuji. Actually, she's adopted. My sister saw her along a sidewalk and took her home. At first, we are not into adopting another cat since we have Black Tiger. But, then again, she insisted to adopt Fuji. We have nothing to do but to give in with what she wanted. Fuji is weak when we adopted her. We thought her life wouldn't last long. It happened Fuji got sick that made her numb. She almost die. She used to just drop her body whereever her strength failed her to bring herself to her bed. Yes, Fuji has a bed. My sister, because of her love for Fuji, prepared a bed for her. Blezi, my sister, never left Fuji alone. She tend to give her water whenever Fuji needs to drink; food whenever shes hungry. I felt the love of my sister for her dying pet. Suddenly, it seemed like magic. Fuji regained her strength and stood as if she had no sick. It doesn't just stop there. It happens for the third time now. 

The love of my sister for her pet gives Fuji the reason to live and strive to live longer. It seems like Fuji finds her strength in my sister. Her undying love for her pet shows that love gives us reason to live and keeps us going. early this day, I was observing Fuji as how she struggled for her life. I told her if she's tired and wants to rest, she's free to do so. However, her actions told me she wants to live longer--that though it is hard for her, she wants to live for my sister and for us as well. If only she could speak a word, maybe this is what she's going to tell me: "I found reason to live, so why should I surrender easily with this sickness? Your sister's love for me is enough to motivate me to keep going. Yes, it is hard, but I know I can get through it. I have won this battle twice, I know I can do it once again." 

This brings me to my being. This pet has a reason to live. She strives for life though it is hard because she knows someone out there loves her ultimately. She pinched my heart with her low voice and  stuttering response. I almost cry, seriously. Why did I want to end my life this way though I know somebody out there loves me and loves me very much? Sometimes, we only need somebody (or something) to remind us of what life is all about. Sometimes, even the littlest things in life show us that there is something more in life that are yet to rediscover. Fuji motivates me to keep going. My principle that life is meant for Him, not for me. It is not about me, it is about Him, ALL about Him. 

I thank Him for giving Fuji and for keeping her alive. I pray she'd be fine soon. I know she will.

Headbutt With Reality

So I was sitting on the edge of the reality, that made me think over and over again about the decision I have done several months ago. I was overwhelmed with how UP can bring me to some avenues I, myself, could not even imagine I might go to. It is hard to quench yourself with the reality that really sucks and really, if I may consider, regretful.

Six years. I spent six years in UP. Yes, I am proud of it not because I spent longer time than I supposed to, but because during that span of time I learned things I think I couldn't learn outside. 

I was hooked up with the "ultimate" freedom we, Isko and Iska, enjoyed whenever we are inside the campus. I enjoyed it and was captured wholly by it. Never did I realize, UP is not the real world. UP, if I could say, is the ideal world where people experience things in the time frame they choose for themselves--no deadlines, no limitations. We can choose the courses we want to enroll at, and we can choose when we will take it. 

After graduation came the fact that I have to step out of the world I was once in and face the real world I am about to be in. Supposedly I should have enough preparation to face it, but I failed. Up to this very moment, I am longing to the UP experiences I have done. Well, they said, it is a norm for a UP grad to experience such. "Graduation / Separation Anxiety," they said. Whatever it may be, I am convicted to have it.

Now that all I have were memories of my UP life, I need to move forward and face the fact that I am now living in the real world where chances are not always fair and the road to success is not always smooth. Yes, it is hard but same as how I survived UP life, I know I can survive it all.

Me as a Counselor

It has been a routine that every time I enter my Grade 5 room, they always tell something happened wrong. One time, I saw a kid crying because he is bullied. Another, they asked they haven't had their recess yet. What an experience is it, right. However, despite of all the commotions happened before our Math time, there is this boy who always ask for my hand and "bless" me. He is always greeting me with a smile. Because of his instigation, almost all of his classmates do the same.

Unfortunately, yesterday everything seemed to be uneasy. The boy who is asking and greeting me with a smile greeted me with his teeth gnashing in anger and his fist closed as if he was going to hit somebody's face. I asked what happened. Of course, angles of stories arisen as everyone told his insight of what REALLY happened. I, being a teacher, don't want to start with our lesson with unsettled issues. So, instead of reviewing them for their upcoming exam, I used my time to hear and know what really happened. So, I asked them one by one of their side of the story. I weaved their insights and formulated the whole story. (Of course, I won't disclose what really happened.) I was astonished to what I heard. So, in my position, I asked those who are involved to stay inside their room so I may talk to them privately and rebuke them. I was not satisfied with what I did, so I asked those who started the commotion to have a talk with me, individually. 

The first one, I asked why he mentioned that thing. He said, he just want to add something to burst the issue being built up. I rebuke him and asked him to stop researching about that thing. He promised me he'll do.

The second one was different and a bit intense. I heard a lot about his misconduct. He was always the mastermind of teasing and noise inside their room. When I asked where he got the idea he has raised up, he said on their vicinity. I continuously asked him some questions until I got the very root of the problem--FAMILY.

He shared his problems with his family. All I thought was he gets all the attention of his family since he is the youngest. And that is why he wants to get all the attention in school.  It is a very different story. His father beats him whenever he gets low grades; his mother shouts at him and mocks him for not being an achiever as his other siblings; his ate always pressures him to be perfect; he feels unloved and unnoticed. While he is telling me his story, he is weeping. 

At the back of my mind, I said, "Oh no, what have I done?" But then, I realized it is supposed to happen that way for me to know the reason behind his misbehavior. I finally understand him. It is only when we listen, we understand things clearly. I tell him that if he doesn't feel his parents love him, I love him as my child (though I haven't had one yet). I also assure him that whenever he feels sad and he wants someone to talk to, I am more than willing to listen to his every story. 

The people who supposed to be his refuge and resting arms become now the thorns that hurt his young heart very severely. It saddens me ultimately. But then again, I have nothing to do but to help him out of the sea of pressure he is in, by believing in his potential and guiding him to be the best child he could be.

Too Much For Less

"Too much happiness can make someone less happy," as studies shows. I still uncertain about whether this is true to everyone or to just a few individuals. As for me, it IS. I don't know how to explain it very detailed. Whenever I was happy, sooner it feels like sadness covers up ALL the happiness I have had. It happens when I was all alone.

It always happens to me, one way or another. It seemed to be an uncommonly common routine--I feel too much happiness then will fill with sadness, sooner or later. Unseemly favorable with my life, this cycle gives me reason to keep going with what I have at hand and striving for what I want to be in my grasp. 

The happiness I had is not genuine. For most of the time, whenever people see me happy, I am just hiding what i feel inside. What is my reason? I don't want people to think about my recent situation. I am always running from my loneliness, and it seemed that my loneliness always overtakes me whenever I do. That is how miserable my life was. 

With all of these happenings, I still thank the One who made me for, I am uniquely created this way; I am blessed to feel two emotions one after the other; and, I am capable of resisting some occurrence to dwell in only one feeling and forget that I do also have another.

A Night to Remember

It has been four days ago since i have this thought of bring back the feeling I have with this special person. A promise finally come to pass is the reason I felt this way.

It is Monday when I contacted her to have a dinner with me. Actually, we have agreed upon this so-called date very long time ago. I promised her to treat in a very well-known coffee shop as my gift for her special day. But, since we got conflicting schedules, the treat was postponed until Monday.

Funny was it when we agreed not to schedule the "date" since every time we tried to schedule it, it always had to be postponed due to one reason or another. Monday morning, I received a text from our principal that though the classes were suspended, we need to report. I asked if I could stay in school until 12NN since I've got some tutorial sessions to attend at. He allowed me. So, I sent her a message right away, asking whether she's free at night. She responded, she could free her schedule and would come at the time we agreed to the place we talked about.

While tutoring, I was a bit excited and a bit nervous. It is the first time I dated a girl I have affection to. Time came, when I have to leave the center and go to the place we talked where we would meet. Nerve shaking was I sat on one bench and waited for her patiently. I was thinking what words to tell her first, what things to talk about during our  secret time together. Yes, it is a secret since we are not known to be close enough to have such moment; we have been preventing issues to arise again, just like what happened several years ago;  we are known to be separated like forever for the same reason that we are not supposed to feel affection with each other.

The Dinner we shared together

She arrived in pink jacket. She's beautiful in any angle I looked at her. That's the first time I have the chance to look and talk to her with nothing to think about. It is a friendship date, anyway, so we have nothing to worry about. We decided to eat at Tokyo Tokyo since I was hungry that time. We ensured first that no one would come and would ask us why we're together. Then, I ordered and challenged her to eat as many cups of rice as she could. The deal went nowhere as we talked about our own separated lives and update each other of what is up with our own busyness. We have one common friend who knows all these things, and we're comfortable that she would not put us to a spotlight of rumors and false accusations. She shared her plans of going abroad, and I told her of my recent work experiences.

Moments passed by as if we own the night. The food we ordered lasted soon before we decided to transfer from one restaurant to another. We went to Starbucks to order some frappucino drinks as what I have promised her months ago.We ordered the tall-sized coffee since we're already full and we just want to spend some more time together.

Our Tall-sized Frapp

We talked more about the friends we have, about the things we used to do and are doing, about almost everything except about the two of us. I prevented from opening such topic for I know it is not the right time to ask about it. Well, I don't know when will it be, but soon we're going to discuss about the feelings we have killed years ago.

It's getting late when we realized we just need to go. I felt sad, seriously. I don't know whether that moment would happen again. If it would, when? She's going and she's leaving the country soon before I knew it. She didn't tell me the exact date (because she's still waiting for her visa) and I don't know if she has plan to do so. I want to hold her hands and tell her I would miss her, but I held myself. Instead I told her a million thanks for spending the night with me.

I will definitely miss this moment of spending a night with the people I love. I will definitely miss hanging out with my friends, especially those who make my stay here on earth worthwhile. I will definitely wish for another night with her. I will definitely miss her.

Metro Ligaw

"Minsan, okay lang maligaw para malaman mo na hindi lahat ng daang nais mong tahakin ay tama. (Sometimes, it is okay to get lost to realize that not all the path you want to take are right.)"

Madalas kapag may spare time ako, isa sa mga ginagawa ko ang mag-road trip. Hindi naman madalas, pero mas nakakapag-isip ako kapag gumagala kesa nag-i-stay sa isang lugar at nagmumukmok.


Kanina, may spare time ako at nais ko talagang pumunta sa kung saan man. Iniisip ko kung saan nang may nag-text sa akin at pinapapunta ako sa Quiapo. "Ayos to," sabi ko sa sarili ko. Ayos kasi hindi pa talaga ako nakakagala sa Quiapo. Ang alam ko lang ay ang Quiapo Church pero yung pasikot-sikot dun, hindi pa. Kaya nagmadali akong ayusin ang gamit ko paalis ng school para bumyahe at tumungo dun. Ang alam kong daan ay yung sa Quezon Avenue kung saan malaki ang posibilidad na ma-traffic ako. Buti na lang, may isa akong co-teacher na nakasabay paalis ng school at nagsabing puede akong mag-LRT papunta. May isang station lang ako na bababaan, tapos sasakay ng jeep o tricycle papunta sa Isetann. Agad kong tinext yung kaibigan ko na nagyaya sa akin. "Papunta na ako," sabi ko. Nang nasa LRT na ako, bigla siyang nag-text na may kasama na raw siya at wag na lang daw akong pumunta kasi nakakahiya. "Okay." sabi ko.


Inisip ko kung bababa na lang ako sa isang station at bumalik sa Muñoz para umuwi. Pero, naisip ko, sayang yung binayad ko kaya pinagpatuloy ko. Pagdating ko sa Carriedo Station, sinubukan kong maglibot-libot. Hanggang sa naisip ko na pumunta na lang sa Divisoria para bumili ng kailangan ko. Mula Carriedo, sa totoo hindi ko talaga alam kung paano pumunta sa Divisoria, buti na lang may mga napagtanungan ako. At nakarating na ako sa Divisoria, medyo nag-ikot ikot dun. Binili ang dapat bilhin at tumingin tingin ng iba pang gamit. Naalala ko, hindi ko masyadong kabisado ang lugar na iyon, at gabi na ako natapos sa pag-iikot. Dali dali akong lumabas ng Tutuban Center at hinanap ang daan pauwi. Sinundan ko lang ang agos ng mga tao. Minsan hindi rin pala maganda iyon. Sa hindi ko malaman na dahilan, nakarating na pala ako sa Tondo, Manila, bandang Binondo ata. Ligaw na ako, sa isip ko. Iniisip ko kung sasakay na ako ng kahit anong jeep at magpababa na lang sa kung saang malapit na sakayan pauwi. Pero, hindi ko iyun ginawa. Naglakad lakad pa ako at nagpakaligaw hanggang sa marating ako ang Sto. Niño Parish. Doon ko iniisip na magpahati na lang sa isang pedicab driver sa lugar kung saan ako puede sumakay pauwi.


Nagahap ako ng batang driver para puede ko siyang tanungin ng tanungin tungkol sa lugar na iyon, at para mas komportable ang byahe. Sa totoo kasi, takot ako sa mga matatandang drayber ng pedicab o tricycle lalo kapag hindi ko alam ang lugar. Medyo naging mahaba ang byahe namin nang maisip kong medyo usisain ang buhay nya. Naa-amaze kasi ako sa mga ganung trabaho dahil, una mabigat iyon at pangalawa nakakapagod. Nalaman ko na mas matanda pa ako sa kanya at mas bata siyang nagsimulang magtrabaho kesa sa akin. Matagal na rin siyang nagpi-pedicab at ginagawa nya iyon para makatulong sa mga magulang nya.


Nang narinig ko iyon, para bang may kurot sa dibdib ko. Pakuwari'y may kung anong hindi ko maisip ang tumama sa akin. Naalala ko yung na-realize ko sa loob ng simbahang pang-Katoliko nung araw ring iyon. Marami akong naisip. Isa na sa mga iyon ang "reklamo" ko na sa aming magkakapatid, ako pa lang ang nakaranas na magtrabaho habang nag-aaral. Isa pa ay ang hindi matapos tapos na usapin tungkol sa pagtulong sa magulang. Oo, tumutulong ako pero hindi ata iyon ang inaasahan nila sa akin. Parang kulang pa. At dahil dun, medyo nagri-reklamo ako.


Sa maikling pag-uusap namin, na-realize ko na mapalad nga ako na nakatapos ng pag-aaral at nagkaroon ng trabaho na hindi kinakailangan ng labis na pagpapakapagod kapalit ng kakaunting barya. Na-realize ko na hindi hadlang ang katayuan sa buhay para mabuhay.


Nang dumating kami sa sasakyan ko, nagpasalamat ako sa kanyang kwento dahil marami akong natutunan tungkol sa Tondo, sa buhay-Tondo, sa pagpi-pedicab at sa hirap na dulot nito, sa buhay. Nagpasalamat din ako sa paghatid nya sa akin. Nagbayad ako ng higit pa sa siningil nya dahil ramdam ko ang pagod nya.


Sa pag-uwi ko sa bahay, na-realize ko na sa pagkaligaw, marami kang matututunan. Kaya, imbes na mainis, nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa kaibigan ko na nagyaya at biglang nag-bawi ng paanyaya sa akin na samahan siya. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako makakapunta sa Carriedo; kung hindi dahil sa kanya, hindi ako maliligaw sa Tondo.

Reality Checked

My official first week as Elementary just ended last Thursday. And to think it was fun, indeed it IS fun! The chance to touch these kids lives is one of a kind. The opportunity to be their math teacher and help them love the subject is challenging, yet satisfying on my part.

I remember when I was in college, a colleague asked me to shift from B SEd (Secondary Education) to B EEd (Elementary Education) so I would have more chance of molding young minds to love the subject hated by most--Math. I refused not because I don't want the challenge and the chance. I declined for I want to continue what I started with.

So, then, I thought I would not be teaching in Elementary. During summer of this year, I started sending application letters and resumes to my prospect school. My prayer is this: to let God lead me to the school where He wants me to teach at least for a year and to a community where I would learn more about life. Of the six schools I applied in, three responded and accepted me (including the school I am working at). I declined the first two schools for low compensation and lost inner peace. The third one is different. I have been called by the Principal and asked if I could apply for a teaching position. I said yes. Then, I processed my application and accepted just last Tuesday. I was requested to start teaching the next day. So I did.

The first steps are always the hardest. Then, the next ones are getting easier. The key is adaptation. I have never been good enough for this kind of game. I hardly adapt in my environment. But, this time is unusual. The warm welcome of the faculty and staffs, and the hungry minds of the kids to learn more about Math make me realize that indeed I am in a right place.

My first day is quite typical. I came in late for my first class, and unprepared for the second one. This always happens. Because of excitement? Not really. I came in late because of the epic traffic, and unprepared for the second class because I didn't have the materials yet.

Anyway, the first class is in Grade 3. (Wheew!) It is not easy to handle such class as this. There are kids standing and walking to and fro, talking to their seatmates as if there were no teacher; doing stuffs not related to Math, etc. The typical scenario happens in a room full of kids. I felt depressed after the class. I came to the point of questioning whether or not I really can handle elementary classes. I think of whether or not accept the challenge of teaching in Grade 3 or not. But, it is not easy to drop one class down. The students started to know about me, and that is just our first meeting. I decided to accept. I just need some adjustments with my teaching style and my approach.

After which, I met the Grade 5 students. The principal told me that class speaks English fluently so I have to prepare with how I talk to them. OK, I said. It is easy since I have been talking to a student in straight English. Well, I did a good job, the principal commended. But, I still have to adjust since I seemed like teaching big kids. Then, I met the Grade 6 again. They showed interest to the subject and to me as well. And that ended my first official day.

Several days have passed, I started asking and knowing my students in a more personal manner. I asked about their background privately. Some openly tell me their story, some hold back a little. After knowing some of the backgrounds, I re-checked it with their advisers and ask more about them. They said what I observed and what I knew about these kids.

Some of the kids are products of broken families. Yes, it is sad! It affects their performances and their lives. It saddens me. Why are there people who are irresponsible to leave their kids? These kids, though rich in material things, lack in a more important and more significant thing in life--love. And it feels like I have something more to do than mere teaching. It feels like aside from helping this kids love Math, I need to make them feel loved. And I know it is just started to happen not because of what I did but because of what God did through me. Say one of my colleagues, there are more to come and more to experience. I am way excited to teach these kids and make them love Math and realize Math is indeed fun!

Point of Intersection

Walking in a busy street, I saw myself hanged by a moment thinking of what might happen in the years to come. After graduating in college, the norm is to find a full time job vacancy and fill it with fresh ideas come from a fresh graduate like me. It was the norm!

Should I go forward or should I have a sudden shift of course?
I don't know still.

However, I have a very different case. I am working even before I got the chance to grab the most defining moment of my life--college graduation. It is two years now since I was accepted and hired in a tutorial center. All I was thinking the moment I got there is I might just work for two months. But, two months became three and months became years. And, I hope years will be counted continuously.

After graduation, the moment when everyone is busy passing resume here and there, praying some of the companies phone them up and call for an interview. Later, hoping to pass the interview and proceed to the other steps. Sooner, sign a paper indicating of being hired. I did the same. I did passed resumes to some schools. Some of which responded to my application and scheduled me for an interview. And a fewer number gets to contact me again for some other stuffs needed to accomplish. Until, one school asks if I was interested to join in the team and work there for at least 10 months. Things are yet to do so the contract signing was still undone.

One question, during the interview, really made me doubtful whether or not working in their school is what I want. In full honesty, I want to have a full time job in as early as possible. Our conversation went like this:

Interviewer (I): Are you planning to have other work outside the school?
Me (J): Yes, Ma'am. Actually, I am working in a tutorial center and it will continue by next school year.
I: I see. But, are you willing to sacrifice some of your time there? I mean, in this school, we ask teachers to go here during Saturdays to do other stuffs like lesson planning, etc.
J: Yes, Ma'am.
I: That was good. Even if it tells you that your time in the tutorial center you are telling will be lessened?
J: (in doubting voice) Yes?

In fact, it makes me cry every time I think of leaving the company I call home and the students I call friends. Yes, they are my precious gems. It is hard to leave such group where almost everything is in harmony. I have been so in love with these students I have handled and it will break my heart if I get no chance to teach them.
Yes, I want to be in a formal school and have a full time job. But, I can't compromise my position to teach these kids for the year to come.

I asked how the salary would be, and got no definite answer. A neighbor tells my mom that the school where I would be working at gives salary that is fair enough to live but low enough to save. If I would do some calculation, I can say I would earn more in the tutorial center than in school.

I don't know. Everything is still uncertain. It feels like I want chocolate cake and Mocha cake, but I only got one cake to choose and eat. Which will I choose? I don't know.

I don't know if I would continue my journey forward or I would have this sudden shift of course. I was in the point of intersection, if I may say this.

To the one who first called me JEM

                One o’clock in the morning, I am still awake. I can’t sleep not just because of the hot weather condition, but because I was thinking about the friendship I once have had with you.

                Yes, I know it is my fault to depend on you. Yes, it is wrong to expect something from you: something that you really cannot give. It hurt me to know that you have turned me down several times, but it never taught me to give up hoping that one day, some time, you would give what I asked; you would be with me at last. It never happened though, and I know it would not!

                I got mad at you for turning me down. I showed you and I made you feel I am indeed angry with you. You were sorry, you said. I accepted your apologies, though I didn’t feel it. I accepted it for the very reason I just want to move on. I don’t want another negative vibe in my life that is filled with negative powers. You were sorry because I don’t know. Do you want our friendship be back? Are you trying to capture my trust again? These are the questions flying around the corners of my room.

                To tell you the truth, I feel guilty with letting our friendship sink in the middle of the dark blue sea. It is not wholly my fault. You have yours. I tried to seal the little hole we had, but you let it became bigger. The misunderstanding we had—that only us could settle—became the conflict we have WITH our loved ones. I blame you for sharing them our problem. I tried to hide it from my side so you could have an image white as snow, but you just let mine be stained. People kept on asking what happened on us; if we have problem or whatever. I have no other choice but to tell my loved ones the whole story. What’s their reaction? Of course, they got mad and disappointed with you. Inasmuch as I want to wash your image with them, I can’t. I can’t because I was hurt. I was hurt because you’re inept enough to tell the world what is happening with us.

                At the end of our last conversation, I tell you I can no longer consider you a friend. Yes, I mean it! With all the disappointments and all the discouragements you brought to my life, how could I consider you as one? It is my fault to call you a friend. It is my fault to choose you a buddy. It is my fault to consider you a best friend. It is my lament to consider you a brother. It is my biggest regret to consider you a twin brother. To cope with all these faults, I choose to drop you out of my list of friends.

                It is hard, though. But I believe it is just right! I treasure all the memories we have done, all the joys and the tears we have shared, the laughter and the cries, the journeys and the adventures. I will try to hide my tears so you won’t be asked what happened after we have talked. I gave you the only item we have both not to mess things around but to show I am ready to, somehow, walk the path alone.

                To you, who give the name “Jem” to me, thank you and good bye! 

WRITTEN: 22 April 2012, 1:05AM

Climbing a Sycamore-fig Tree

Almost everyone knows very well the story of this short man who used to climb a sycamore-fig tree just to have a glimpse of the Man who is known as The Messiah. This short man, by the name of Zacchaeus, was the chief tax collector of Jericho--a city where Jesus passed through before the Passover. His story, in my belief, inspires the reader and gives hope to everyone that even a sinful, a most hated man can be saved. A story that tells Jesus loves the sinners.

However, as I read and re-read this story, God revealed and showed some insights I definitely am uncertain about the first time I understood Zacchaeus' story. 

Zacchaeus is curious about who this Man, by name of Jesus, is. Jesus is so famous that even those who didn't believe at Him knew Him and knew every miracle He did. Jesus is far more than just a miraculous man. He is God! He is not just another superhero. He is THE Savior. These are just a few about who He really is. I believe Zacchaeus knew that Jesus is more than just a man who did miracles. Yes, Zacchaeus is curious about Jesus, that is why he wanted to see Him. 

In Science, something is discovered due to curiousity. Same goes with sprituality. Once we get curious about who God is and what He can do in our life, we would discover who He really is! Curiousity drives anyone to discover something. What God wants from us is to be curious about Him, and He is more than willing to show who He really is!

Driven by curiousity, Zacchaeus had this eagerness to see Jesus. But, he's short and the crowd was overwhelming. This might discourage him, but he never surrendered his eagerness. Despite of his height and of the crowd, he looked for a way to have a glimpse of Jesus. I believe his height and the crowd represent some things in our lives. The height represents our own selves. It might be our self-esteem or pride. While the crowd represents hindrances. Hindrances like our possessions, our economical status, our image, definitely our sins. Zacchaeus learned to overcome these things in his life. What he did was to climb a sycamore-fig tree and waited silently until Jesus passed through him. 

These two things--height and crowd--exist in everyone's life. We may not be aware of it, but surely they are hindering us to seeking God. We need to overcome these things to see Jesus' glory.

What makes Zacchaeus' story more interesting is that Jesus came to him and asked him to  come down and told him He should stay at his house. I believe he is not the ONLY man who climbed that tree. What amazes me is that Jesus, personally, came to the tree where Zacchaeus was and asked him to come down. Being in a high government position, Zacchaeus silently waited to see Jesus. Definitely, the crowd is noisy the moment Jesus passed through the tree, but, still, Jesus noticed him. God knows who really wants to see Him; who really wants to know Him; who really has the heart to follow Him and He is more than willing to show them who He really is. Because Zacchaeus has it, Jesus came to the very place where he was and called him by his name.

Amazing encounter happened to Zacchaeus that moment. First, Jesus noticed him though there are a lot more people who, maybe, shouting at His name and calling forth the Name of the Lord. Second,Jesus called him by his name. Third, Jesus asked him to come down for He will stay at his house. Lastly, Jesus saved him from darkness. What a wonderful encounter, isn't it?

Touched by the Holy Spirit, Zacchaeus hurriedly came down the tree and gladly welcomed Jesus to his house. And salvation came to his house, then. This part talks about a sinner welcoming God to his house (life). This is the very key to salvation--we must open our hearts and recieve Jesus into it, and ask Him to be the Lord of our lives.

To truly walk into the salvation, Zacchaeus told Jesus he would reconcile with the people he cheated by giving half of his possessions to the poor and paying back four times the amount for those he has cheated. One Pastor I talked with told me that when you are okay with God, you are okay with people. Another preacher I heard states it this way, "Remember the cross. When you are vertically strong, you are horizontally steady." 

When God revealed these things to me, I am left with nothing but teary eyes and broken heart. He reminded me of my spiritual status and how He wants to help me fix the brokenness I have within. He told me I could be in Zacchaeus' shoes and experience the sycamore-fig tree encouter. 

All I want now is to climb my own sycamore-fig tree where I can see God's glory shine upon me. 

Awakened Sentiment

Tuesday that was when this feeling of longing for a best friend is awaken by some unexpected occurrence.

I am a tutor of at least ten different people, not to mention the group tutees I handle. Every time my tutees undergo tutelage under my supervision, I see to it that we have to talk about something that is off the course,  neither to waste their time nor to be sycophantic but to at least give them time to rest from our discussion and comprehend what has been discussed, and to build a rapport with them on a personal basis. This what I believe: an effective teacher is someone who befriends his students. I just want them to be comfortable with me not just with regard to what they have to be tutored at.

One of my tutees reminds me of someone. I have been tutoring this boy from a prestigious school for, I think, about half a year now. He is in his first year of being a high school student. He is not my regular student since he only goes to our Center every time he needs help for a particular subject. I think we have met for ten times already. The last time he went was last Tuesday.

That day was, if I may consider it, is different. I have this regard of that would be our last chance to see each other, and my last time to be his tutor. I may be teaching in a school by next school year, which,in effect, will lessen my time to spend in the center. To console my being, I bought a bag-full of chocolate,and share it with my tutees that day. He was the first. So he has the chance to eat more chocolates than the other.

Moment came, he arrived at the center, seemingly tired and sleepy from the past exams he had earlier that day. I was once a student so I know exactly how it feels when exams and deadlines are constraining the time you have left. He said he doesn't feel like studying that time. We stopped for a while and chat. He shared stories about his school; about the person we know in common; about the pen he is using and his family's US trip; about how he watch films--from what he eats to what he watches; about almost everything, except love life. (I don't know why we have not talked about it yet. Maybe because he is too young for it. I don't know.)

What is weird is that I see my best friend in him--from the outward appearance to his inner being; from the way he tells stories to the way he mimics the characters; from the way he jokes to the way he giggles at it; from the way he smiles to the way he laughs--that day. The fragile bottle where I put loneliness and longing for my best friend was broken and torn into million pieces during our conversation. If I may say it, he has remanded me behind bars of missing him. I don't accuse him of it. It is just that the dying awareness of losing a friend for some uncertain reason suddenly regains its strength to reinstate me of self accusation.

This is not my tutee's fault, it was mine. I should have become stronger than my emotion since the incident ("misunderstanding" with my best friend) happened almost half a year now. Yes, I gained strength to at least forget what happened, and to at least take the thought of having a best friend out of my mind. But it has just happened the strength I gained lost at that very moment.

When we decided to go into business again, I held back my tongue from saying he reminds me of my best friend. At the back of my mind, I say I just missed him and I need to fight this feeling and kick it out of my mind. I won.

We continued with the same routine--study, then chat; eat chocolates and laugh--until the tutelage ended. We said our goodbyes, and reminded each other of our secret not to be retold. He left the center with his mom. He nodded and smiled at me, signalling me he enjoyed our tutelage. In return, I smiled and waved at him.

Later that day, I decided to regain strength to forget about the incident of losing my best friend. I should have not just forget it but take this out of my head for good, this time.
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