Even before the year 2019 has
ended, almost everyone was hopeful that 2020 would be a year of breakthrough
and new beginning. I, for one, aimed to fix myself from brokenness I have had
in the previous year. I started with trying some things that are atypical of
me.
Early January, one of my Magnolias planned to climb a nearby mountain. I joined despite of the fear that I might not be able to reach the peak. I have not had a chance to climb any mountain before due to my physical incapability (hello, asthma). With their help, I was able to reach the peak. The unspeakable joy of conquering one fear rescinded the exhaustion. From then, I promised myself to conquer my mountains one after another.
Came March, due to the pandemic, the country was placed under different quarantine classifications (for multiple times). Our hopes that the lockdown would end immediately has diminished with the drastic increase of positive cases. Our work was affected. The stress brought by the uncertainties and the urge of deliverables was unbearable. This is certainly a mountain to conquer. Conflicting personalities, beliefs, and lack of unity made conquering an impossible task. In the end, I had chosen to resign from the position. Did I fail? No. I loved my work, but the environment made it unlovable. I conquered because I chose myself more than my work. I knew it will not be beneficial to my health if I chose to stay.
A day after Mother’s Day, our lola passed peacefully in her sleep. The whole family was shocked with this untimely mishap. We are all in panic (quietly and loudly alike) to how we would accept the fact that she is gone. I, named after her and my other lola, quietly mourn for our loss. She was my protector and my comforter. Though it is inevitable, we must accept that it would happen. And it happened. With the ongoing lockdown protocols, the wake was exclusive and private. Our neighbors only had known the unfortune event during the last day. I was not able to attend her burial because of protocols.
Months have passed, I am still learning to accept the fact that she really is gone. I have not visited her tomb yet, but I will soon. I know for sure that I am conquering this mountain little by little.
Aside from lola, we also lost our sweet Bardagol. He was with us for ten years. He also has peacefully passed in his sleep. I buried him near his friends.
A lot of people have left me in the entirety of my life. However, some of those who I considered special had left me for one reason or two. Some just left without any explanation or sort of. Some left because of our conflicting views on things. Some just said they did not need me anymore. Any reason would be fine, at least I would know who will stay, and who will leave.
There are, on the other hand, some relationships that were restored during the pandemic. These restorations were unexpected. All I was thinking was there would be no more way to mend broken relationships. I was wrong. I am happy I was wrong. This is one of the most encouraging moments of the year.
I learned that not all mountains should be conquered. I learned this when I lost my enthusiasm in raising my point to those who would rather close their ears than listen to my suggestions. Some words are better left unsaid. They said you should learn to choose your battle. Not all battles are worth fighting to. It is always better to choose a fair fight, best to choose self-love over anything.
One of the highest mountains we are facing is my dad’s health issue. Early this year, he was diagnosed with a problem in his prostate. He had undergone operations for it. However, he has not recovered fully yet. October came, he was diagnosed having a rectal mass, and was advised to undergo a major operation. It hurts to see my dad suffer from an unbearable pain because of his sickness. It is financially draining, emotionally thwarting, physically exhausting, and spiritually challenging. We are always in prayer that God will heal him and make him a testimony of His unfailing love. (We chose to keep this thing private to prevent people from thinking dad had the virus.)
We might have more X’s that ΓΌ’s in our TTD list for 2020, or we might have accomplished less during the pandemic, but one thing is for sure, that is we have clearer vision about what are the most important things in life. As for me, family, health, and self-love are some of these things.
I have not written all my goals for 2021 yet, but, as what I have always believe, God will make a way. I know He will guide my path to conquering more mountains in the future and avoiding the mountains I should not climb.
